stepdad won't care for his wife

[Anonymous]

Ok if he never did anything domestic before why all of a sudden do you think he would now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok if he never did anything domestic before why all of a sudden do you think he would now?

+1. OP, if he were able and willing to take care of her, he would be taking care of her now and you wouldn't be in this situation. She doesn't have to get divorced, but you can't send her back. Does he even take her to medical appointments?

Call the church.

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like your mom needs nursing home care. If she goes to the hospital this week, talk to the social worker. Following a qualifying hospital stay, Medicare will pick up the cost of nursing home care for a period of time (at most 100 days, but actual time depends on progress and condition).

As far as divorce, let's face it, if she is becoming demented, she may not have the mental capacity. Also, there are financial consequences of that for your mom. Be sure to talk to an elder care attorney before going this route.

Lots of people have difficulty seeing their loved one decline. Sometimes they are in denial. Sometimes they get depressed. Sometimes they are incapable of acting regardless of what they say. Also, it's difficult for elderly people, like your step father, to leave what and whom they know for a cross country move, so the longer term plan must include consideration of him as well and seeking long term care back home may be the best alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like your mom needs nursing home care. If she goes to the hospital this week, talk to the social worker. Following a qualifying hospital stay, Medicare will pick up the cost of nursing home care for a period of time (at most 100 days, but actual time depends on progress and condition).

As far as divorce, let's face it, if she is becoming demented, she may not have the mental capacity. Also, there are financial consequences of that for your mom. Be sure to talk to an elder care attorney before going this route.

Lots of people have difficulty seeing their loved one decline. Sometimes they are in denial. Sometimes they get depressed. Sometimes they are incapable of acting regardless of what they say. Also, it's difficult for elderly people, like your step father, to leave what and whom they know for a cross country move, so the longer term plan must include consideration of him as well and seeking long term care back home may be the best alternative.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like your mom needs nursing home care. If she goes to the hospital this week, talk to the social worker. Following a qualifying hospital stay, Medicare will pick up the cost of nursing home care for a period of time (at most 100 days, but actual time depends on progress and condition).

As far as divorce, let's face it, if she is becoming demented, she may not have the mental capacity. Also, there are financial consequences of that for your mom. Be sure to talk to an elder care attorney before going this route.

Lots of people have difficulty seeing their loved one decline. Sometimes they are in denial. Sometimes they get depressed. Sometimes they are incapable of acting regardless of what they say. Also, it's difficult for elderly people, like your step father, to leave what and whom they know for a cross country move, so the longer term plan must include consideration of him as well and seeking long term care back home may be the best alternative.

Since she has been in rehab, she is already 40 days into her 100 days. If she stays here she'll have to go into a nursing home and is VERY opposed. She thinks she can just get an apartment in a senior living community. There is no way she could do that if he isn't here to watch over her. I can hire a cleaning service every couple weeks and get food help for them (or feed them myself) but I work full time, DH works in another state and only comes home every other weekend and our kids are still grade schoolers.

The main reason I was trying to get her home is to shock him into realizing that she needs full time care. The rest of us (me, DH, my sister and her family) already are fully aware of this.

My sister just wants me to hire a lawyer and "take control" but in reality, I don't want to do all this alone either, and I think he owes it to her to help care for her in this stage of her life, while he still can. I don't want to ruin my relationship with him, either. In a few more years, he will need help too and I want to still be his daughter and be ther for him when that time comes, even if she isn't still alive.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am really sorry you are in this difficult situation. It seems like your sister and stepfather are really letting the family down, and your mother is being unrealistic, and it is all falling on you.

This is going to sound harsh. But the bottom line is, your stepfather is neglecting your mother, and it is unsafe for her to live with him. It's nice that you love him, but that doesn't change the fact that your mother is unsafe. You are spinning your wheels trying to find a way out of an impossible situation. Sending her home is not going to shock him. He is already neglecting her and being in denial of the obvious need for care. Sending her home sick and vulnerable will just prolong this situation. Yes, he owes it to her, but so what? You can't force someone to be a caregiver.

Something has to give, and maybe that should be your relationship with your stepfather. Seriously, he is treating your mother badly, and he will not listen to reason. You can mend fences with him later, after your mother is SAFE.

[Anonymous]

Don't fly your mother back. Fly him here.

Whether she wants to or not, it sounds like nursing home care is what she needs. Neither your nor SD can care for her at this point.

[Anonymous]

OP, I work in this field so here are some steps for you to take tomorrow:
1. Ask for the social works at the rehab, tell them you want a family care plan meeting (that will include social work, nursing, and the PT/OT).The purpose of this meeting will be for the staff to give their opinions on placement options for your mother and for you to give them all the details as you have described here. If the social worker does not know the details already, inform them. If there is no SW, the director of rehab or director of nursing is your next step.
2. Make an appointment with an elder care attorney for a consultation where you will lay out everything about the situation, what you know about their assets, your mothers mental status, etc. Your mother may be incapacitated to the point of not being able to make her own decisions, but her husband still has rights as her husband, so this may get tricky regarding payment for care, etc. You need someone knowledgeable about this to help. Don't assume your mother can just drain their assets to pay for care, or you can force her husband to sell the house, before you make plans for her.
I wouldn't tell your stepfather anyone than he asks until you have the above professionals guiding this process.
As PP's have pointed out, your stepfather was unable, for whatever reasons, to care for your mother. Period. Moving him across country will not change that. You will end up with your mother in a nursing facility or assistive living and your step FIL in an apartment. She obviously requires more care than he can provide. Fighting that is futile IMO.
If your family was under my care, I would advise transitioning your mother first to her new environment and stabilizing her, then worrying about your step father.
Would your sister agree to helping with stepfather since you are helping with mother?
If you have to throw money at her, can you do it? She may respond better now that you are clearly 100% in charge of your mother

[Anonymous]

Ok, the big elephant in the room but I have to ask to everyone suggesting nursing care… how is op's mother going to pay for it if they only have 10k in assets and together make 50k/year?

Is she even going to be accepted into a private nursing home? Do public (as in, free) nursing homes even exist in this country? If public NH exist, how is the quality of care? I can only imagine have seen the private ones…

I can say for a fact that a average private nursing home will cost between 7 to 11k/month.

[Anonymous]

What happens is Medicaid pays after you have spent down your assets to a certain point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens is Medicaid pays after you have spent down your assets to a certain point.

Have you seen the kind of places that accept medicaid? I'd rather die at home alone then be in some of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happens is Medicaid pays after you have spent down your assets to a certain point.

No
You have to apply for Medicaid, and just because you are broke does not mean you qualify
BTDT

[Anonymous]

No such thing as a free nursing home, are you serious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I work in this field so here are some steps for you to take tomorrow:
1. Ask for the social works at the rehab, tell them you want a family care plan meeting (that will include social work, nursing, and the PT/OT).The purpose of this meeting will be for the staff to give their opinions on placement options for your mother and for you to give them all the details as you have described here. If the social worker does not know the details already, inform them. If there is no SW, the director of rehab or director of nursing is your next step.
2. Make an appointment with an elder care attorney for a consultation where you will lay out everything about the situation, what you know about their assets, your mothers mental status, etc. Your mother may be incapacitated to the point of not being able to make her own decisions, but her husband still has rights as her husband, so this may get tricky regarding payment for care, etc. You need someone knowledgeable about this to help. Don't assume your mother can just drain their assets to pay for care, or you can force her husband to sell the house, before you make plans for her.
I wouldn't tell your stepfather anyone than he asks until you have the above professionals guiding this process.
As PP's have pointed out, your stepfather was unable, for whatever reasons, to care for your mother. Period. Moving him across country will not change that. You will end up with your mother in a nursing facility or assistive living and your step FIL in an apartment. She obviously requires more care than he can provide. Fighting that is futile IMO.
If your family was under my care, I would advise transitioning your mother first to her new environment and stabilizing her, then worrying about your step father.
Would your sister agree to helping with stepfather since you are helping with mother?
If you have to throw money at her, can you do it? She may respond better now that you are clearly 100% in charge of your mother

OP here, thank you for this advice. The folks at the rehab have been really supportive as were the case managers at the hospital. Part of our issue is that she is not a resident of this state so there are limits to assistance until she establishes domicile here, according to them.

I will look for an attorney in my town and see what advice they offer. I'm pretty sure that if I got her into a nursing home here, he would just stay in their house and that would be that.

My sister is not going to help anyone with anything unless she's offered money or something in return. In all honesty, my childhood was a hot mess and my mom a terrible parent (verbal, physical abuse and neglect out the wazoo) but I haven't lived at home for 25 years and I've made peace with her behavior and have the insight to see how it was a result of her terrible upbringing and mental health issues. Sadly, her mother sucked, she learned from her and now it seems my sister is carry the torch forward for self-centered, heartless person of the year. I have some money to contribute but it will never be enough for my sister to do the right thing consistently going forward. She may jump in at first but will quickly grow bored and move on to something else (we kind of went through this last year)

[Anonymous]

13:45 here again
Another couple things to consider:
The rehab staff (most likely social worker) is in the best position to call your stepfather and lay out what is going on and what needs to happen on his end (ie, paperwork, finances). Your mother is not going to be able to just spend down on her own, or write checks to cover her expenses, and legally their finances are joined. A social worker is going to be in the best position to establish contact, I would push for that.
The lawyer, too. Let them call and explain the issues.
Thanks for clarifying about your sister, that makes more sense now and seems she is out of the picture.
Good luck to you