Did I handle this correctly, or am I a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

OP you did exactly the right thing, for the right reasons.

Why is there always a really major essay writer on every thread? - I don't have time to trawl through all your stuff.

[Anonymous]

Of course you handled it right. That amount of face paint was going to be a distraction in school to your kid (paint in the eyes hurts) and to the other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

Hey, it's "Consensual Parenting" Mom!

Did your daughter ever decide to put on her shoes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

Hey, it's "Consensual Parenting" Mom!

Did your daughter ever decide to put on her shoes?

Well, she's 8 now so we're well past that particular issue.

When she was younger, yes, almost always. I can remember a handful, literally, of times shoes weren't OK with her for the day from about age 2 through maybe starting school. As someone with sensory issues myself and a lot of foot pain, I get that and think it's totally legitimate. Fortunately it usually wasn't an issue. It may not have ended up being the shoes I thought she'd pick, and sometimes it was slippers or sandals, but yes, she generally put on her shoes and there were rarely major problems in that area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

Hey, it's "Consensual Parenting" Mom!

Did your daughter ever decide to put on her shoes?

Well, she's 8 now so we're well past that particular issue.

When she was younger, yes, almost always. I can remember a handful, literally, of times shoes weren't OK with her for the day from about age 2 through maybe starting school. As someone with sensory issues myself and a lot of foot pain, I get that and think it's totally legitimate. Fortunately it usually wasn't an issue. It may not have ended up being the shoes I thought she'd pick, and sometimes it was slippers or sandals, but yes, she generally put on her shoes and there were rarely major problems in that area.

You are exhausting.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that it was an interesting idea but that face paint is not appropriate for school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

Hey, it's "Consensual Parenting" Mom!

Did your daughter ever decide to put on her shoes?

Well, she's 8 now so we're well past that particular issue.

When she was younger, yes, almost always. I can remember a handful, literally, of times shoes weren't OK with her for the day from about age 2 through maybe starting school. As someone with sensory issues myself and a lot of foot pain, I get that and think it's totally legitimate. Fortunately it usually wasn't an issue. It may not have ended up being the shoes I thought she'd pick, and sometimes it was slippers or sandals, but yes, she generally put on her shoes and there were rarely major problems in that area.

You are exhausting.

Oh my god. Just reading this makes me want to slap her. Thank god I don't actually know her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she looked like a soccer hooligan or something? Yeah, you made the right call. A little earth on a cheek would have been acceptable.

+1. We have rules in our house for our eight year old DS re: what can be worn to school:

1. Clean
2. Weather appropriate/ activity approriate (e.g. Tennis shoes for PE)
3. It has to match (I'm somewhat loose on this one)

An entire face covered in face paint wouldn't make the cut. It's okay to tell your child "no." It won't crush their spirit if you give them logical reasons for your decision.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm going to be the lone dissenter. I'd have no problem with the face paint. Your DD got excited about school--that's always something to encourage.

I don't think you're a bad mom, though, over that one decision.

[Anonymous]

That you're even asking this question I think indicates that you're a good mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm going to be the lone dissenter. I'd have no problem with the face paint. Your DD got excited about school--that's always something to encourage.

I don't think you're a bad mom, though, over that one decision.

+1

[Anonymous]

What ate ya, new? Of COURSE you're a bad mom. There's no other kind.

[Anonymous]

What are ya, new? Of COURSE you're a bad mom. There's no other kind.