Did I handle this correctly, or am I a bad mom?

[Anonymous]

Kids' elementary school was celebrating Earth Day today, and they were encouraged to wear blue and green. My 2nd grade daughter was talking about drawing an earth on her cheek with some face paint that we have, which I thought would be fine. She came down this morning with her entire face covered in blue and green face paint. It was intended to be the earth but really just looked like she smeared blue and green face paint all over her face. It really looked ridiculous, so I was concerned that a. kids would tease her (and she is particularly sensitive and emotional), and b. the paint would end up all over her hands and clothes by the end of the day (she also goes to aftercare). So I basically made her take it off. I feel guilty because she was really into it and thought is was the best idea, and I was honest about my concerns. Was I wrong?

[Anonymous]

So she looked like a soccer hooligan or something? Yeah, you made the right call. A little earth on a cheek would have been acceptable.

[Anonymous]

It's too small a deal to make you a bad mom even if you got it wrong. I would have asked her to make it smaller (earth on cheek as she originally requested) if she wants to wear it. Then it's her choice. But again, just not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

I probably would have done the same thing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So she looked like a soccer hooligan or something? Yeah, you made the right call. A little earth on a cheek would have been acceptable.

Yes! That's exactly what it looked like -- one of those crazy fans who covers their whole face with paint on game day.

[Anonymous]

Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

[Anonymous]

Jesus the pp's treacly post was obnoxiously long and condescending.

You handled it fine, OP. I wouldn't send my child to school with her face entirely colored in paint. For one thing, the school would probably call and tell me to come get her. That's just disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

I would have said, "What do you think you are doing? Go wash your face."

[Anonymous]

I probably would have left it... but I am a bad mom, so there is that.

My 2nd option would have been to wash it off and painted a small earth on her cheek.

[Anonymous]

You handled it correctly op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

Actually, this is exactly what I did. I told her that I thought kids would laugh/tease and that the paint would end up all over everything. I gave her a washcloth to take to school in case she wanted to take it off, and reminded her again that she had been warned. A few minutes later she was in the bathroom washing it off. Of course, by the time I had helped her scrub it off, we were going to be late, so there was not even time for me to do a small earth.

[Anonymous]

I'd have had her take it all off, and then drawn a globe on her cheek.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I can't answer your subject line as written.

I think you're a good mom who was coming from a wonderful place of love for your child and wanting only the best for her. In isolation knowing only this about you, it seems likely your DD is lucky to have a caring and attentive mom like you.

That said, based on my parenting philosophy, yes I do think you probably handled this a bit wrong. When you say you made her take it off by being honest about your concerns... was the discussion completely open where it was her choice after caution but NOT judgement from you, or was it either obvious what choice you wanted her to make or not actually her decision?

The first option is the only way I would have handled it, as I would consider the other two to be sending my child a de-legitimizing message about her own control of her body. In this case, likely not a major or catastrophic one, but not something I'd want to do regardless.

Considering others' reactions to how we look can be good to make sure we're ok with the likely result, but I'm trying to teach my DD that insofar as it respects others' boundaries she may do anything she's comfortable with to her body and that others' judgement of her shouldn't matter.

In general, we are to follow rules, but if this was in the school rules I would have explained possible reactions and then "allowed" it (although that's not the word I would use) while probably also providing a means of removing the facepaint if she should decide at some point during the day that she no longer wishes to wear it, as I would with any new fashion choice she's not sure she will like if I suspect there's a chance the whole day committed to it may become uncomfortable.

I don't think you messed up badly or anything, but I would consider the situation carefully, including the message you think you sent versus what message you would prefer to send, and analyze why you are doubting yourself here. Why do YOU think your handling of it may have been a mistake? Maybe it wasn't and is fully in line with perfectly reasonable values of yours. But since it made you uncomfortable, maybe reflect and try to decide how you intentionally want to handle similar things in the future, because this likely won't be the last time something like this comes up.

Actually, this is exactly what I did. I told her that I thought kids would laugh/tease and that the paint would end up all over everything. I gave her a washcloth to take to school in case she wanted to take it off, and reminded her again that she had been warned. A few minutes later she was in the bathroom washing it off. Of course, by the time I had helped her scrub it off, we were going to be late, so there was not even time for me to do a small earth.

Well in that case, I apologize for misunderstanding your wording about making her take it off, and I think what you just described was handling it fine. You told her from your experience what might happen, then by letting her be the one to make the choice you empowered her to decide what to do with that additional info. I might have skipped the second warning, but that's just a style thing. I think the lesson she probably learned is that you will stand by her reasonable choices but you'll try not to allow her to be blindsided by something unexpected or make decisions without all the pertinent information, including the unpleasant info that some people judge and tease which isn't ok but happens. That sounds like a good job by a good mom, to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have had her take it all off, and then drawn a globe on her cheek.

Me too! It's nice that she's excited about earth day but if her feelings get hurt easily you don't want her to spend the entire day with paint smeared all over her face (if no one else does). It could irritate her eyes after a while. Don't be too hard on yourself. There is still time for the two of you to do a fun earth day activity and end the day on a good note!

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing! I might have snapped a photo before making her wash it off if she was actually proud of it.

She'll thank you someday!