How much do you tell your parents -- good or bad news?

[Anonymous]

I got a big promotion at work. Told my mom right away. She disapprovingly told me not to "take on too much". Ugh, DH told his mom, and she started screaming for FIL to come immediately to hear the news. Guess who gets more info...

Also, my mom's latest response to any worry or concern is "it will all work out". It's almost like she's not even listening anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm not close with my parents. But my husband is super close with his - they talk almost daily. So he tells them most things - like when he was worried he was going to be laid off, when he was thinking about starting his own firm, when we absorbed a relatives baby into our family (we ALL had many talks about that as it was happening).

Every once in a while I ask him not to tell his parents things. I asked him way in the beginning to not discuss our sex life with them. I asked him not to tell his mom when I was scared to have sex after giving birth, for example.

His parents are very supportive and good listeners. They're the type to say "It sounds like you've thought about this from every angle; I'm sure you'll make a great decision and make whatever decision you make work for you and the family; I love you no matter what." So overall super supportive.

The fact you had to ask him not to discuss your sex life with his parents is absolutely ridiculous.

I'm super close with my parents the way her DH is and I wouldn't in a million, billion, trillion years talk about my sex life with my parents! I highly doubt her DH would either but I am guessing PP just wanted to put that out there "to be safe", since often when you aren't close with your parents, its not as easy to understand that you can be very close and share a lot, but also private when necessary!

[Anonymous]

Usually we tell both sides pretty early on about any news (usually we have good news). But if there are a ton of details yet to be worked out...we may wait until more specifics are available to talk about it. So I guess it depends..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is hyper critical and unsupportive so I share as little as possible.

I need to learn this lesson. Instead I just keep going back for more pain.

[Anonymous]

My mom is very judgemental so I avoid telling her things because I do not care to listen to it. She also is easily jealous of others so she would not be genuinely happy for my good news. I tell her after the fact because it lets me enjoy my good news that she will ruin if she knows or work out bad news myself which she will just make me feel worse about.

My MIL tends to take any possibility that is a maybe as written and stone, goes crazy over any and everything and has a million questions and worries. She is a helicopter mom and we find telling her things after the fact is easier.

Both fathers a very easy going and easy to talk to. If it wasn't for our mothers we would share more with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm not close with my parents. But my husband is super close with his - they talk almost daily. So he tells them most things - like when he was worried he was going to be laid off, when he was thinking about starting his own firm, when we absorbed a relatives baby into our family (we ALL had many talks about that as it was happening).

Every once in a while I ask him not to tell his parents things. I asked him way in the beginning to not discuss our sex life with them. I asked him not to tell his mom when I was scared to have sex after giving birth, for example.

His parents are very supportive and good listeners. They're the type to say "It sounds like you've thought about this from every angle; I'm sure you'll make a great decision and make whatever decision you make work for you and the family; I love you no matter what." So overall super supportive.

I think this is the key. My husband's mother was also like this and I loved talking to her. My parents, on the other hand, have a critical and judgmental tone and offer countless "suggestions" that are filled with pressure if they are not taken. So I often edit or gloss over issues because it's difficult to deal with their hectoring and know-betterism. I've learned from therapy that it's a product of their anxiety, but it's still hard to take. They can't even accept good news.

+1. For that reason I rarely tell my mom anything of value. I'll hear about it not only on the phone, but on follow-up emails, forwarded articles, pressuring me to make the right choice (her choice), etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm not close with my parents. But my husband is super close with his - they talk almost daily. So he tells them most things - like when he was worried he was going to be laid off, when he was thinking about starting his own firm, when we absorbed a relatives baby into our family (we ALL had many talks about that as it was happening).

Every once in a while I ask him not to tell his parents things. I asked him way in the beginning to not discuss our sex life with them. I asked him not to tell his mom when I was scared to have sex after giving birth, for example.

His parents are very supportive and good listeners. They're the type to say "It sounds like you've thought about this from every angle; I'm sure you'll make a great decision and make whatever decision you make work for you and the family; I love you no matter what." So overall super supportive.

[Anonymous]

I just like to feel like I have a handle on things in my own head before we tell news to other people. That way I'm ready for any questions that might come my way.

For instance, if one of the kids was getting an award, I would want to know about the specifics of the award, how it was earned and when/where the award was being given. If something good *might* happen if X happens too, then I would probably wait for X to actually happen.

[Anonymous]

I tell my mom very little. She can't take any good news from me and simply congratulate me. She has to push some (lesser) accomplishment of my sister's and demands that my sister's "news" be given equal footing.

[Anonymous]

My mom is judgmental and reacts/responds emotionally, so I'm careful with how/when I tell her things. Good things are normally pretty quick, DD and I facetime her daily. The in-laws get info as needed. I normally leave that contact up to DH, which means he talks to them once or twice a month.

[Anonymous]

yes, I tell my parents stuff pretty quickly but we are in touch every day, since they watch the kids. But even when we weren't living close together we shared a lot of info. I'd tell them that I was interviewing for a job or whatever. They don't second guess me and are generally very encouraging and enthusiastic, and are also very responsive when it comes to negative news, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is judgmental and reacts/responds emotionally, so I'm careful with how/when I tell her things. Good things are normally pretty quick, DD and I facetime her daily. The in-laws get info as needed. I normally leave that contact up to DH, which means he talks to them once or twice a month.

Why don't you FaceTime with his parents too, with your DD? Are they not as interested in her as your parents are? Or are there issues with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom is judgmental and reacts/responds emotionally, so I'm careful with how/when I tell her things. Good things are normally pretty quick, DD and I facetime her daily. The in-laws get info as needed. I normally leave that contact up to DH, which means he talks to them once or twice a month.

Why don't you FaceTime with his parents too, with your DD? Are they not as interested in her as your parents are? Or are there issues with them?

I asked because it just seems thoughtless otherwise, of both you and your DH.

[Anonymous]

Does FaceTime mean Skype? Serious question, I don't know!

We recently moved away from both sets of grandparents (job relocation opportunity). We used to see my mom almost every day because we lived close to her, we saw dh's parents regularly but not on a daily basis. Now that we've moved, the kids tend to call my mom more often just because they are used to her being a daily part of their lives - it's what they are used to. They also still talk to dh's folks regularly, again what they are used to.

[Anonymous]

I share almost nothing with my parents. Growing up, we were not close because they were focused on my sister, who had major issues. Because I was the "normal" one, they didn't really pay any attention to me and left me to my own devices. When I left home at 18, they believed it was the child's responsibility to keep in touch. They also really never got to know me because they never asked me about my life or did anything with me. I speak to my dad maybe once a month and I have dinner with my mom once a month (they are married still but do their own thing a lot of the time). I don't really talk about anything deep or interesting and we tend to just talk about my sister a lot. They have no idea that I went through years of miscarriages and infertility, or the sheer hell of my previous job, or that my husband and I went to marriage counseling.

My husband talks to his dad a couple of times a year. FIL is another one who thinks it's the child's responsibility to keep in touch. My husband talks to his mom weekly, if not more. He shares big things with her (like getting a promotion, new job, etc.), but doesn't tell her negative things because she gets very emotional and takes things quite personally - like she's overly empathetic. I talk to her at least once a month on the phone, and we are Facebook friends and comment on each others' statuses and email each other pretty regularly. She's a nice woman, but her super emotional behavior is pretty foreign to me.

In light of my situation, I am actively trying to figure out how to create a lasting, loving relationship with my kids so that we remain in touch and in each others' lives once they leave home. It would kill me for them to not want to talk to me at all or think of me as not caring.