Husband unemployed and depressed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy, do I have experience with this. My DH was unemployed for over a year and also suffers from depression/ADHD. Does your DH want to do something about this or is he wallowing? If wants things to be different, he needs to see a Dr. about getting an anti-depressant and he needs to develop a daily routine that includes good sleep, good nutrition and exercise. If not, you need to decide how long you will put up with living with a depressed spouse. I can tell you that depression is 'contagious'. You are more at risk for developing depression and with a DC with health issues, you both are already at risk (I've also got SN kids and I know the stress they cause).

Until he gets an outside job, his job now is the house and baby. He needs to identify what he's going to do on a daily basis. Don't wing it. If he's organized and self-disciplined, he won't need as much structure. If he's like my DH, he needs a list of things to do. What helped him immensely was/is an activity log. He always had a poor sense of how long something would take him to do and he had NO idea how much a time suck the internet/TV/bathroom are. With the activity log, he was able to better understand where he (literally) lost time. He scheduled time to job hunt. HTH.

Wait, the bathroom was a time suck? Was he taking long bubble baths?

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are going through this OP. My DH was laid off and was also depressed. He ended up on mess for awhile and saw a therapist. I agree that you should really encourage him to go into therapy. However, I don't think you can make the calls for him. That said, you could ask your primary care for a list of suggestions and then give him a list.

[Anonymous]

^ "meds" not mess!

[Anonymous]

Guy here with experience with this.

Your DH needs to hear you say "Don't establish your identity around the negative things in your life" AND "Don't define yourself by your successes or failures"

Success and failures are open to the interpretation of others, but when you define yourself by who you know you are, then that is when you can CHOOSE to be happy. Successes or failures CANNOT make us happy, ever!

In other words, pick up a copy of The Power of Now, read it and model the principles for him. Let him know he is still your man and you are very proud of him because he is no failure.

If you do that, you might not only save your husband, but also your marriage.

All the best.

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel for you but now is the time to go to him and say " I got your back". We were in a similar situation, I stopped asking about the progress/status of job search in particular. If he had any developments to share, I was there to listen and offer advice, basically just gave him lots of space and support. Another thing, I did not let him decided the mood of the household, I stayed in charge and worked very hard at keeping it positive. The problem with negative thoughts and depression is that it can suck everyone in if you don't put a lid on it early on. Don't fear anything, you are a strong, capable woman who can handle this phase. This too shall pass. Keep the faith and hugs!

[Anonymous]

Wait, the bathroom was a time suck? Was he taking long bubble baths?

No, not bubble baths - at least he'd be clean if he were! He'd take his phone/tablet/laptop/book in there and hang out on the toilet. It was his 'man cave'! and no one went in there. It was disgusting and he reveled in it! I got so pissed because he was never around. It was his escape. He disappear into it, not doing anything around the house when the kids and I were gone for the day. When the kids and I were home, he'd go in there and leave me to take care of everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He got a job. Yay! Thanks for the advice all.

[Anonymous]

Just curious. What field?

[Anonymous]

Law.

[Anonymous]

Congrats. Hope things get better soon.