Husband unemployed and depressed

[Anonymous]

What do I do? I feel so much weight on my shoulders. Not sure I have been as supportive of him as I should be.

[Anonymous]

Get him to a doctor and therapist. If his doctor thinks trying an antidepressant is a good idea be supportive. Is his resume up to date? Offer to proof it for him and offer suggestions. Try not to make this about you--I'm sure you feel a lot of pressure right now but restrain yourself from reminding hi if that, how you're pulling all the weight right now, etc. Until he has a better handle on his mental state reminders from you of how you feel pressure will only result in shame and paralysis.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. This is tough for both of you but right now you need to step it up and be very supportive. Like PP said, don't make this about you.
Let him know that this is temporary, you believe in him, and better days are ahead. He needs to feel your unconditional love, support, and confidence in him. Then ask him how you can best help him. Gentle nudges into action are better received if a person feels they are coming from a place of love.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Encourage his every move in the right direction. Forget the pills. He needs to join a weekly accountability group.

[Anonymous]

Where can someone find a weekly accountability group? How does someone find a good therapist that takes insurance?

[Anonymous]

The women's center has career counseling. They may offer support type groups.

[Anonymous]

If he is depressed, it is vital that he seeks treatment of some sort. I.e., therapy and/or medication(s).

Also, this also affects you in a negative manner too so if you feel guilt for not being as understanding as you would like, try not to be so hard on yourself.

I am quite sure you are doing the best you can under the tough circumstances.

Good luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't even know where to begin in finding a therapist. Thank God we have family coverage. Should
I just cold call from the list insurance has? This is especially tough because we have a new baby with health problems. I am feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't even know where to begin in finding a therapist. Thank God we have family coverage. Should
I just cold call from the list insurance has? This is especially tough because we have a new baby with health problems. I am feeling overwhelmed and resentful.

While there's no blame in being depressed, he needs to acknowledge the issue and seek help, right away. It's not his fault, but it is his responsibility to do whatever he can to get better. He is not an island. If he was a childless bachelor, he would have the luxury of being able deny that anything is wrong, or indulge in a misguided belief that men should be tough and not seek help for anything short of an acute emergency, but he has a wife and child that depend on him.

Try to convey that message in a way that doesn't seem like you are shaming him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do I do? I feel so much weight on my shoulders. Not sure I have been as supportive of him as I should be.

what are you advising him to do?

[Anonymous]

whats the current sex life like? yeah i know leave it to some DH to ask about how often your initiating or having sex but hear me out. Frequent sex leads to confidence, which leads to less depression , which leads to better feeling of self and projects to a job search/ interview which leads to a job and end of depression.
If the depression is also leading toward his lack of initiation this could be where you offer more support and initiate sex. If the opposite is happening and sex is non existent it can lead to further depression, lack of confidence etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sex life nonexistent. I was not so into it when I was pregnant. But I have tried to initiate many tines but have been rebuffed. He says he doesn't want sex until he gets a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sex life nonexistent. I was not so into it when I was pregnant. But I have tried to initiate many tines but have been rebuffed. He says he doesn't want sex until he gets a job.

Is he trying to punish himself for not working? This is strange. I'm sorry, OP, hang in there. I am the depressed one in a relationship, and I can tell you it's not easy. I do appreciate how hard it can be on others though...

[Anonymous]

Yes. Punishing himself is his MO

[Anonymous]

Boy, do I have experience with this. My DH was unemployed for over a year and also suffers from depression/ADHD. Does your DH want to do something about this or is he wallowing? If wants things to be different, he needs to see a Dr. about getting an anti-depressant and he needs to develop a daily routine that includes good sleep, good nutrition and exercise. If not, you need to decide how long you will put up with living with a depressed spouse. I can tell you that depression is 'contagious'. You are more at risk for developing depression and with a DC with health issues, you both are already at risk (I've also got SN kids and I know the stress they cause).

Until he gets an outside job, his job now is the house and baby. He needs to identify what he's going to do on a daily basis. Don't wing it. If he's organized and self-disciplined, he won't need as much structure. If he's like my DH, he needs a list of things to do. What helped him immensely was/is an activity log. He always had a poor sense of how long something would take him to do and he had NO idea how much a time suck the internet/TV/bathroom are. With the activity log, he was able to better understand where he (literally) lost time. He scheduled time to job hunt. HTH.