MIL photographs our belongings (not people)

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to SIL about this?

"Hey SIL. What's up with MIL taking photos all the time? Does she do this to you?"

If your SIL is normal, you will both have a good laugh over this, or she'll clue you in to other strange behavior, or--at the very least--you will have someone to tell you if you are over reacting or not.

My opinion is that it sounds so crazy as to be harmless.

[Anonymous]

Ask her why.

Then tell her to stop.

And if she keeps doing it, then she doesn't get invited back, does she?

[Anonymous]

OP here. ITA with PP, MIL definitely has anxiety, depression, and might be on the spectrum. I am not a professional, so I have no way of diagnosing her exactly; but those things are evident. She has social issues - not sure what. She is warm with strangers, but not us. I am neutral with her. She definitely tries to direct "digs" at us, even if it is in a passive aggressive manner.

I think her behavior is hurtful, since she excludes our nuclear family in so many ways, especially not wanting to take pictures of us (when she is taking pics of the rest of the family!) She put the camera in y DC's face while they were on the way to the hospital for many stitches, one time. I found that odd, to say the least. It upset DC even more than DC already was, understandably. I am trying to give examples of how inappropriate and off kilter things seem to be in MIL's head. I can't "fix" her, I just want her to back off in this regard.

I feel like she really is out of line, especially pertaining to this. I don't take her to task, and I know I should. As if she is saying: "I don't want you or your nuclear family in the group or holiday photos, but I just HAVE to show (so and so bridge person I have never met) your closet, stove, whatever in animate object." Wouldn't any sane "friends" of hers ask her what gives?

Do you think her "friends" have said something to her about it, by now? I wouldn't normally be giving it this much thought, but it has been going on for so long, I am perplexed. And I think her behavior is deliberately hurtful, frankly.

[Anonymous]

Next time, I would just in the moment say, "I've noticed that you take photos of our things/home, but not of your grandchildren. Is there a reason why?"

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree that taking pictures of things is odd, but my sense is that you are mostly hurt by the disinterest your MIL shows in your family, especially compared to those of her other children. Have you talked with DH about this? Do you have a sense of the cause? I would just focus on that, and in terms of the house, say that you and DH request that for privacy / insurance reasons you have been told to ask that she no longer take pictures of your home or other property.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to put up a firm boundary regarding this. Simply say, politely, "You know, I'm very private and it makes me uncomfortable when you take pictures of our stove." (or whatever)

Surely she'll stop the behavior if you address it directly. If it makes you uncomfortable (and I can see how it would) you need to tell her in the plainest terms possible that it is not acceptable.

Not sure about her penchant for avoiding the pictures of your DC.

[Anonymous]

Can you fake a bewildered expression and ask "what on earth do you do with all of these pictures of stuff?"

If she answers that she shows friends, it would be a great opening to say "surely your friends would rather see pictures of your grandchildren?"

There's likely no easy solution, but it might feel good to just put it out there.

She sounds like an odd duck, diagnosable issues or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

What does your husband say? It is his mother....I would think he would know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. ITA with PP, MIL definitely has anxiety, depression, and might be on the spectrum. I am not a professional, so I have no way of diagnosing her exactly; but those things are evident. She has social issues - not sure what. She is warm with strangers, but not us. I am neutral with her. She definitely tries to direct "digs" at us, even if it is in a passive aggressive manner.

I think her behavior is hurtful, since she excludes our nuclear family in so many ways, especially not wanting to take pictures of us (when she is taking pics of the rest of the family!) She put the camera in y DC's face while they were on the way to the hospital for many stitches, one time. I found that odd, to say the least. It upset DC even more than DC already was, understandably. I am trying to give examples of how inappropriate and off kilter things seem to be in MIL's head. I can't "fix" her, I just want her to back off in this regard.

I feel like she really is out of line, especially pertaining to this. I don't take her to task, and I know I should. As if she is saying: "I don't want you or your nuclear family in the group or holiday photos, but I just HAVE to show (so and so bridge person I have never met) your closet, stove, whatever in animate object." Wouldn't any sane "friends" of hers ask her what gives?

Do you think her "friends" have said something to her about it, by now? I wouldn't normally be giving it this much thought, but it has been going on for so long, I am perplexed. And I think her behavior is deliberately hurtful, frankly.

OP, you are attributing things to her that she hasn't said or actually done. She may not be showing anyone these items. If she has difficulty acting appropriately and demonstrative among her own family members, she probably doesn't have real friends. Definitely not people who would be able to give her feedback on her behavior in any meaningful way.

You don't need to take her to task on anything. Have you actually asked her politely but in a straightforward way why she does what she does? Or even in a more conversational way, "I noticed you like to take pictures of furniture. Do you like the furniture or are you more interested in photography?"

I agree with PP, 13:10. You're more hurt by what you perceive as a lack of interest in your kids. I highly suspect that this is someone who is a square peg in a round hole who probably doesn't even understand her own behavior. Not that you should try to diagnose her, but please approach her with a whole lot of compassion. She's probably doing the best she can.

Also, read the teacher's guide to Look Me in the Eye:
http://www.johnrobison.com/downloads/LMITE-teachers-guide.pdf

I bet you'll see some commonalities between your MIL's behavior and her lack of picking up on social cues.

[Anonymous]

My mother would do this and it is just to be nosey. She would show the picture to others like her sister in order to more thoroughly discuss whoever's house she visited. Sorry OP that you are dealing with this but yes, it is very very rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother would do this and it is just to be nosey. She would show the picture to others like her sister in order to more thoroughly discuss whoever's house she visited. Sorry OP that you are dealing with this but yes, it is very very rude.

Yes, it's rude. However, my guess is that b/c the OP's MIL only takes pictures of things and shies away from taking pictures of people (except when it's extremely inappropriate like when her kid needed stitches) is it's representative of a bigger issue. OP talked about her MIL being depressed. Likely it's an anxiety issue, more a comfortability with inanimate objects than people. I think OP needs to read between the lines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to SIL about this?

"Hey SIL. What's up with MIL taking photos all the time? Does she do this to you?"

If your SIL is normal, you will both have a good laugh over this, or she'll clue you in to other strange behavior, or--at the very least--you will have someone to tell you if you are over reacting or not.

My opinion is that it sounds so crazy as to be harmless.

OP here. SIL is not very approachable. Let's just say she is her mother's daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to SIL about this?

"Hey SIL. What's up with MIL taking photos all the time? Does she do this to you?"

If your SIL is normal, you will both have a good laugh over this, or she'll clue you in to other strange behavior, or--at the very least--you will have someone to tell you if you are over reacting or not.

My opinion is that it sounds so crazy as to be harmless.

OP here. SIL is not very approachable. Let's just say she is her mother's daughter.

Bummer.

You need a partner in crime on this. Someone who can validate that her behavior is strange and keep you from going off on your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you talked to SIL about this?

"Hey SIL. What's up with MIL taking photos all the time? Does she do this to you?"

If your SIL is normal, you will both have a good laugh over this, or she'll clue you in to other strange behavior, or--at the very least--you will have someone to tell you if you are over reacting or not.

My opinion is that it sounds so crazy as to be harmless.

OP here. SIL is not very approachable. Let's just say she is her mother's daughter.

Bummer.

You need a partner in crime on this. Someone who can validate that her behavior is strange and keep you from going off on your MIL.

OP here. Agreed! I have been hoping that the BILs might marry, but they are very much like MIL, and that will not be happening any time soon, unfortunately. That would be great if it ever happened, but the BILs are not interested.

[Anonymous]

Just ASK her! Next time she takes a picture of your lamp (or whatever) say: "Why did you just take a picture of our lamp?"

Your house, your lamp = legitimate question.