My Dad told me to change my name

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you went through this. Your dad sounds like he is hurting and doesn't have the emotional capacity to own up to his own decisions in life and is taking it out on you. He said the name changing thing to hurt you, which is extremely petty.

I'd talk to a family therapist on your own if you need help processing/working through the hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry you went through this. Your dad sounds like he is hurting and doesn't have the emotional capacity to own up to his own decisions in life and is taking it out on you. He said the name changing thing to hurt you, which is extremely petty.

I'd talk to a family therapist on your own if you need help processing/working through the hurt.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, whatever you decide about the name, don't cut the tie. Your dad may be a basket case, but he is the only dad you've got. When he is gone, you will be left with regret that you at least didn't attempt a half-way decent relationship with him. Even if he doesn't visit often. Try to find it in your heart to forgive him and accept him for what he is. You can't change him, but you can work on your capacity to deal with the situation appropriately. I like the suggestion above. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to change his name and GTFO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, whatever you decide about the name, don't cut the tie. Your dad may be a basket case, but he is the only dad you've got. When he is gone, you will be left with regret that you at least didn't attempt a half-way decent relationship with him. Even if he doesn't visit often. Try to find it in your heart to forgive him and accept him for what he is. You can't change him, but you can work on your capacity to deal with the situation appropriately. I like the suggestion above. Good luck to you.

Sometimes when your parents are toxic and abusive people, accepting, forgiving, and moving on means you don't have a relationship with them. It would be great if all people who reproduce loved and respected their kids, but they don't. It's ok to accept that your parents will never be who you want them to be, and that the relationship does more harm than good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he has a mental health disorder.
Set healthy and appropriate boundaries, seek counseling for yourself so you can heal and learn how to cope with him.
I'm sorry.

All of this. And also, in case you were wondering, your name is YOUR NAME, you might share it with someone but they don't have ownership over it or you. Be that spouse or parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy personality disorder. it's all about him and it's all very distorted. You did well to get away and make a life for yourself, OP. Put him on ignore and do what you want.

+1

Try not to take it personally OP. Your Father has the fragile ego syndrome. Whenever he brings these issues up, reassure his ego and invite him to visit more. I also live across the country from my family and do realize how hard it is to have a close relationship. Despite the distance, my child loves my parents and sibling's family. It is about quality than quantity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he has a mental health disorder.
Set healthy and appropriate boundaries, seek counseling for yourself so you can heal and learn how to cope with him.
I'm sorry.

All of this. And also, in case you were wondering, your name is YOUR NAME, you might share it with someone but they don't have ownership over it or you. Be that spouse or parent.

+1

Your name is your name. Your father sounds nasty and maybe sick. Deal with him accordingly, but don't let his words have any effect on your decisions.

[Anonymous]

And THAT would be my last visit with him ever. Two times in 12 years? Yeah, I'd wash my hands of him and be done with it.

Did you give your illegitimate children your name or your now (finally) husbands? Just wondering HOW much your name means to you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And THAT would be my last visit with him ever. Two times in 12 years? Yeah, I'd wash my hands of him and be done with it.

Did you give your illegitimate children your name or your now (finally) husbands? Just wondering HOW much your name means to you...

WTF...your insults are worse than her Father's insults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my husband for 8 years. We finally married last year. I made the deliberate decision to keep my maiden name because it means a lot to me and I already have a career.

This weekend my father and I had a fight over a lot of built up frustrations. At the end, he told me to change my name because he no longer wants me to have his name. I don't know why this is bothering me. I know that he said it to be mean, but it is really is getting to me.

His problems with me are:
1) He hates that I left home and went to college on the East Coast. (This was me disowning my family in his eyes)
2) He hates that my children are not close enough for him to have a relationship with.
3) He thinks that I love my mother more than him. (Not true)
4) He thinks that I blame him for ruining my parents marriage by cheating. (Also not true)

Why we truly don't have a relationship:
1) He was an absent father
2) He has visited me 2x in the past 12 years.
3) Every time we talk he tells me how awful I am

No matter the age of the child most want the love and approval of their parents. Sometimes that is unattainable. You have a solid list here and one that does give one much hope for a close and loving relationship with your father. The sooner you can simply love him as your father and neutralize any desire you might have to see that list reversed the better you will be for it.

BTW...my impression of his actions seems to stem less from your actions/choices and more from his own guilt. Remember that a person that is unable, or unwilling, to deal with their own guilt will often try to degrade others to elevate themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And THAT would be my last visit with him ever. Two times in 12 years? Yeah, I'd wash my hands of him and be done with it.

Did you give your illegitimate children your name or your now (finally) husbands? Just wondering HOW much your name means to you...

WTF...your insults are worse than her Father's insults.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op: Thank you everyone.

I think that he is feeling lonely and possibly depressed. He has some health concerns and doesn't believe that anyone cares. I don't want to turn my back on him, I just don't know how to deal with him cordially.

The two times that he visited me were for my undergraduate graduation and law school graduation. He refused to come to my wedding because "he didn't have any money." I offered to buy him a ticket and he refused to come. My mom and sister also offered, still he refused to come. The following month, he bought a third car. So there is the priority thing.

I think that I will keep my name for now. I loved my grandparents, and my paternal grandfather meant the world to me. My dad was 19 when I was born, so his father picked up a lot of the slack. My dad blames a lot of his absence on his immaturity and age. I understand this, but wish that he would at least try to grow up now.

To the poster who asked about my children, they have my husbands last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op: Thank you everyone.

I think that he is feeling lonely and possibly depressed. He has some health concerns and doesn't believe that anyone cares. I don't want to turn my back on him, I just don't know how to deal with him cordially.

The two times that he visited me were for my undergraduate graduation and law school graduation. He refused to come to my wedding because "he didn't have any money." I offered to buy him a ticket and he refused to come. My mom and sister also offered, still he refused to come. The following month, he bought a third car. So there is the priority thing.

I think that I will keep my name for now. I loved my grandparents, and my paternal grandfather meant the world to me. My dad was 19 when I was born, so his father picked up a lot of the slack. My dad blames a lot of his absence on his immaturity and age. I understand this, but wish that he would at least try to grow up now.

To the poster who asked about my children, they have my husbands last name.

I'm glad you decided to keep it. Think of your terrific grandfather every time you sign/type your name this week, this month, etc, til the hurt of your dad's behavior (hopefully) subsides. Your grandfather would be proud of your or keeping his name and being proud of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been with my husband for 8 years. We finally married last year. I made the deliberate decision to keep my maiden name because it means a lot to me and I already have a career.

This weekend my father and I had a fight over a lot of built up frustrations. At the end, he told me to change my name because he no longer wants me to have his name. I don't know why this is bothering me. I know that he said it to be mean, but it is really is getting to me.

His problems with me are:
1) He hates that I left home and went to college on the East Coast. (This was me disowning my family in his eyes)
2) He hates that my children are not close enough for him to have a relationship with.
3) He thinks that I love my mother more than him. (Not true)
4) He thinks that I blame him for ruining my parents marriage by cheating. (Also not true)

Why we truly don't have a relationship:
1) He was an absent father
2) He has visited me 2x in the past 12 years.
3) Every time we talk he tells me how awful I am

Cut contact with him. Life is too short to spend it talking to someone like that.

And do change your name. Not because he told you to, but because he doesn't deserve to be acknowledged as your father and surnames are, unfortunately, about fathers in this patriarchal world of ours. Just don't change it to your husband's name. Change it to a name you like. Maybe your Mum's maiden surname? Or the surname of another relative you respect?