For those of you who either sought divorce after 20+ years of marriage or know someone who did,

[Anonymous]

As someone whose parents did this, I think the key (if you don't want to screw up your kids) is to try to find some sort of ground to build an amicable relationship with your spouse. Kids have their own drama and are selfish. If you can keep your issues to yourself, it will help stave off the why didn't you leave ten years ago discussion. If your throwing plates at each other and your home is just unpleasant, just go do it. You aren't doing anyone favors.

That said, I really see the reason why people divorce when the kids are grown. Beyond the financial points made above, it seems that relationships oftentimes run their course and that's fine.

Also, most kids won't truly understand until they have kids. I know I didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister recently obtained a divorce after being married for nineteen years.

Reason being:

Her husband was addicted to porn. He would never spend time w/his family, on his days off he always sat in another room + just watched his porn.

He kept insisting he would get help, and he would. For like a week, then go back to his addiction. He would also lie to my sister about not watching porn and eventually it destroyed their union.

It got to the point where she didn't even want him to touch her sexually, because she felt like he was comparing her to the women in the porn he watched. She also didn't want to cook for him either.

While she does miss him at times, ultimately she is learning self-love right now, meaning that she knows she is worth more and deserves more from a man.

I have been married a shorter time than your sister, but am ending my marriage in which there is a similar addiction. It is only recently that I've realized the depth of the addiction, and the depth of our dysfunction - meaning, how much of an enabler I am and have been, and how deeply damaging that will be if we continue on this way. We have a young child together, and it is very, very hard to separate. I still love my husband, and he is a loving father. But the addiction and enabling will destroy us all if we continue on this way, and my child will carry that dysfunction into his adult relationships. I have to do what I can to end the cycle now, as difficult and painful as it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister recently obtained a divorce after being married for nineteen years.

Reason being:

Her husband was addicted to porn. He would never spend time w/his family, on his days off he always sat in another room + just watched his porn.

He kept insisting he would get help, and he would. For like a week, then go back to his addiction. He would also lie to my sister about not watching porn and eventually it destroyed their union.

It got to the point where she didn't even want him to touch her sexually, because she felt like he was comparing her to the women in the porn he watched. She also didn't want to cook for him either.

While she does miss him at times, ultimately she is learning self-love right now, meaning that she knows she is worth more and deserves more from a man.

From what I have read, porn can be as addictive as cocaine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left after 24 years. My marriage was a mess 5-6 years in (right when the baby phase ended). I was the bread winner and would have taken a bath in child support. It was a financial decision as much as a decision to remain in my kids' life on a daily basis to stay married.

We build a strong, superficial connection and that was enough to get us through the child rearing years. She was happy enough with the appearance and I was happy enough to keep it so I could see my kids on a daily basis (this was 20 years ago, fwiw).

I do not miss my ex (the feeling is mutual) and am incredibly happy with a long term partner.

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I wonder how many guys think like this - work in your office, your neighbor, but would never guess it......

[Anonymous]

Separated now after 18 years together, heading for divorce. We met too young and I wanted a chance to get some space and both of us grow up, but he decided it's just over. I'm fine with that--really looking forward to living on my own terms (financial challenges ahead notwithstanding).

Both of our parent sets also divorced after 20+ years, in both cases because our dads had more active lives (professionally and socially) and wound up meeting someone that was a better fit. Our situation is basically the same, gender roles reversed.