Helpful responses to wife's body image issues?

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you not use all these boring generalities. I would instead suggest pointing out specific things you like about her. It doesn't matter what they are. Specific body parts, the way she walks, her laugh.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she needs therapy. She sounds depressed!

[Anonymous]

It's nice when my DH compliments me and tells me he loves my big new butt. I believe he is attracted to me, and that's great.

It's not so nice when he comments on/visibly checks out other women's bodies and appearance on TV or elsewhere. I really hate that.

[Anonymous]

12:54 again, and had some more thoughts on this. I've struggled with negative self-image, too, and I'm thinking through my interactions with my husband.

My husband used to tell me daily that I was beautiful, and I'd cringe (sometimes internally, sometimes visibly) because I'm not. Objectively, I'm just not - I do not have, and will never have, a pretty face or anything close to it. What works better than "you're beautiful" (which I could never believe, no matter how many times it was said) is specifics. My husband will say "I love the way your smile lights up your face", or "your hair is beautiful", or "I love the color of your eyes", or "wow, you look amazing in that dress". Those are things I can believe, it makes me feel good to hear them, and I don't mentally default to 'ugh, I'm ugly' when he says them.

So - are there specifics that you really love about your wife's appearance/physical self that you can compliment sincerely and with enthusiasm? That might be something to try.

Also, do you notice there are times/situations when your wife is happy with her body/appearance? When she's dressed up, for example, or has a chance to do her hair and makeup, has time to do a particular exercise, etc? You could try to create opportunities for those situations that make her feel good about how she looks - or ask her when she feels good about how she looks, and try to find more opportunities for her to feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Repeat and repeat, and tell her she needs to tell herself this until it's automatic:

I love you. I love your body and how you look and feel. I love how womanly you are. Your body has given us children, which is amazing, and makes it that much more beautiful. We would all like to look 20 forever, but we will grow old and wrinkly together. You will always be beautiful to me, because I see you with love's eyes. Every time I look at you and feel you, I have thousands of memories of our pleasures and happiness together. Please love and enjoy yourself as you are. The more you accept yourself, the sexier you are, and the more we can enjoy each other.

This is corny, but it's the way women should see themselves, and know their partner sees them. It's insanely hard on a woman, going through the changes of childbirth, and then menopause and aging. The stuff above is what I learned to tell myself, and what my husband says to me (in his abbreviated, masculine way). Your wife needs to internalize this for herself.

[Anonymous]

Husband, I think you should drop-it entirely.

[Anonymous]

DW here. I am very sexual, so what would work for me is my DH coming on to me, telling me that my body is hot and that I was turning him on, Yadda Yadda Yadda. Actions along with words work well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife has body image issues. Objectively, she's nearing 40, has had kids, and has always battled her weight. Subjectively, I don't care. I think she looks great. It really bothers her though. I tell her she looks good. My comments don't hurt, but they don't seem to help much, if at all. I get some variation of "you have to say that." I enthusiastically and appreciatively enjoy every inch of her during sex. She works really hard at exercising and eating right. For a year or two, this produced steady results. For the last year or two, she has kind of plateaued at a level where she's not really satisfied. And it bums her out.

As a general, kind human being matter, I'd like to do what I can to make her happier about her body. As a self-centered husband issue, I don't want her body image issues getting in the way of her enjoying sex with me.

So, my question for ladies who have struggled with similar issues is how, if at all, can your husband helpfully respond to your stated (or unstated) body image complaints. Is this one of those situations where a guy can easily hurt (e.g. "yeah, you look awful") but can't do much to help (e.g. "you look great, let me explore that body of yours!")?

Dude. You are allowed to be annoyed as fuck by her self-loathing. Don't get sucked into the trap. It's NOT your job to constantly offer reassurances, since as you've noted, they have no impact at all. The best you can do is take care of yourself, say nothing at all to validate or invalidate, and protect your children from absorbing her attitude/issues, especially if you have girls

You sound like a dick. OP this is not good advice.

[Anonymous]

Husband here. There's nothing you can do. It's all on her and in her head. Nothing you can say will stop her from comparing herself to others. I would think she's annoying and play into her self-loathing game.

[Anonymous]

and protect your children from absorbing her attitude/issues, especially if you have girls

You sound like a dick. OP this is not good advice.

On the contrary, OP, this bolded part only is EXCELLENT advice.

This shit is familial, and I've been carrying around my mother's fat-shaming for 35 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

and protect your children from absorbing her attitude/issues, especially if you have girls

You sound like a dick. OP this is not good advice.

On the contrary, OP, this bolded part only is EXCELLENT advice.

This shit is familial, and I've been carrying around my mother's fat-shaming for 35 years now.

Stop carrying it. You are entirely in control of losing that baggage. I understand this kind of damage and wanting to protect your daughters from "inheriting" body image issues. But the advice was lacking in compassion - which is shitty for the marriage and also a bad example for the kids. Compassion is also an "inherited" trait.

[Anonymous]

Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

[ Edited to comply with copyright laws. ]

[Anonymous]

You could write a letter saying many things you love about her + what 12:54 said. It would be hard to dismiss a heartfelt spontaneous letter (not on her birthday/anniversary) as something you're saying because you have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I just wish my husband would turn to me and say "You know what? I want you just as much now as I did 10 pounds ago. You are as beautiful to me right now as you were then, and I really mean it." To women, those 10 pounds are a massive amount whereas to a man, it could be it is something he barely notices. But if I knew he wanted me as much now as then, I could let those stupid 10 extra pounds since the birth of my DS go. It's all so mental.
Kudos to you OP for caring! You sound like a great husband.

Some women are too smart for that and would call bullshit and be offended

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

and protect your children from absorbing her attitude/issues, especially if you have girls

You sound like a dick. OP this is not good advice.

On the contrary, OP, this bolded part only is EXCELLENT advice.

This shit is familial, and I've been carrying around my mother's fat-shaming for 35 years now.

Stop carrying it. You are entirely in control of losing that baggage. I understand this kind of damage and wanting to protect your daughters from "inheriting" body image issues. But the advice was lacking in compassion - which is shitty for the marriage and also a bad example for the kids. Compassion is also an "inherited" trait.

Riiiiight. If discarding baggage was that easy no one would have any issues.
OP, you sound like a good guy. I would echo others and say genuine complements, exercising with her and not responding to her negativity (I love you and your body and I won't respond to you treating yourself unkindly) are about all you can do. She probably will need some therapy or good books to undo the years of self-criticism.