MIL highly offended that we dont keep the stuff she gives us,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you don't have room anymore, but would love for her to hold onto the items so that they can be around for the next generation.

Agreed.

And hope and pray you can toss them from MIL's house before she becomes a great-grandmother and pressures the next generation with the same stuff?

No, it is not worth the OP's time and energy to manage her MIL's feelings in the way, let alone schlep outdated furniture around. Unless it's something very small and easily transportable, not to mention actually usable, this is not the way to go.

Is MIL asking about every item? I'd find some way to deflect it, or simply re-direct her to DH and ask him to handle these questions.

Considering that's probably 16-18 years from now, that might be a case of crossing that bridge when you get to it. If it would make her happy now, and get the stuff out of OP's house, why go looking for reasons to make it more difficult? Just give it back to MIL and let your kids worry about it later. Who knows, they could LOVE the stuff from great-grandma. Let them decide.

Or, of course, MIL is dead before then and then OP can be all happy and giggly and excited about throwing out the stuff she hated.

[Anonymous]

Can you compromise and keep a few of the more sentimental things she saved for you and tell her before younger rid of the rest so she can have the option of taking it back? I am very sentimental and appreciate that my MIL saved many things from DH's childhood, but I have asked her to limit what she sends to us. We have a small apartment with limited storage and don't need or want everything in her attic. So she sends 2 or 3 of DH's outfits a year for DS and I don't care what she does with the rest. I will save those outfits for our future grand kids, though I expect by then they won't be useful anymore. Random crap she bought in the 90s shouldn't turn into something you have to keep forever, but maybe she wants to keep it in her basement for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Can you give her a heads up when you are going to get rid of "major" stuff of things that she seems particularly sentimental about?

"Dear MIL:

I was cleaning out the kitchen and culled a bunch of things we don't use any more, including X, Y, and Z. Would you like them returned to you or should I go ahead and donate them with the rest of the items?"

Minimal effort on your part, acknowledges her "gift" and feelings, but does not take ownership of her emotional attachment.

[Anonymous]

I would peruse the book "The life changing magic of tidying up" by Marie Kondo. It specifically has a chapter on "giving" away things to family members and how often it is a way to pass the guilt of letting go of something. She recommends not giving something to a family member unless you know they have a specific need and/or it is something they would willingly go out and buy today. I.e. it sounds like she cannot bear to throw things out or donate them so she manages those feelings of guilt by foisting the items onto your family and when you pass the items along she has to deal with her guilt ( likely due to the era she grew up in, "waste not want not" type mentality.) I agree with a previous poster that it may help to frame for her where the items went into a "brighter" (in her mind) light via charity choice I.e. if she notices big play kitchen missing you could talk up the charity you donated to, emphasizing how much use the play kitchen will get and how grateful the recipients are. I would not return the items to her as it merely perpetuates the cycle and will simply allow her to accumulate unused clutter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think (and say this to myself when my mother did the same to me) that "things" were more valuable and valued in yesteryears. Today stuff is so inexpensive (and in many cases better quality) that we don't associate the same emotions with it as our parents did. We are all drowning in "things" and frankly, there are so many choices we can usually find exactly what we are looking for without much effort.

Which is a long way of saying, she's not insane. She's just of a different generation. We don't attach our emotions to "stuff" in the same way.

Op here. THANK YOU for pointing this out!

PP again. With my mom we talked about it and it turns out one of the reasons she held on to things/gave them to me was because she wanted me to see a piece of what life was like back in the day. I suggested she take some photos and then write a story to go with each one about the item and her memories attached to it. No idea if she'll actually follow through, but it helped that I acknowledged how this stuff had meaning for her. She was better able to let me toss it thereafter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would peruse the book "The life changing magic of tidying up" by Marie Kondo. It specifically has a chapter on "giving" away things to family members and how often it is a way to pass the guilt of letting go of something. She recommends not giving something to a family member unless you know they have a specific need and/or it is something they would willingly go out and buy today. I.e. it sounds like she cannot bear to throw things out or donate them so she manages those feelings of guilt by foisting the items onto your family and when you pass the items along she has to deal with her guilt ( likely due to the era she grew up in, "waste not want not" type mentality.) I agree with a previous poster that it may help to frame for her where the items went into a "brighter" (in her mind) light via charity choice I.e. if she notices big play kitchen missing you could talk up the charity you donated to, emphasizing how much use the play kitchen will get and how grateful the recipients are. I would not return the items to her as it merely perpetuates the cycle and will simply allow her to accumulate unused clutter.

This is my MIL exactly. She wants to give us so much family crap ALL the time. And the only reason she wants to pass it along is not because she thinks it's valuable or meaningful, but because she doesn't want to get rid of it herself. So by making it our problem, she is off the hook. I seriously resent her for it. She is offended that I don't want random knick-nacks she's been saving for years. Sure, I'm happy to take some things that are useful (say, some nice china dishes from her mother or MIL) but I do NOT want your random precious moments figurine collection.

If people want to empty out their houses, fine. But then don't complain when I throw it all away! I don't want your stuff! I have enough of my own stuff to deal with.

[Anonymous]

OP, why can't you just say "No thank you." You're taking stuff you know you can't/won't use. Do it politely and kindly, not dripping with contempt like your posts.

Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

My MIL gets offended and indignant when I tell her repeatedly that we do not have room for;

- her great aunt's china
- an elaborate inflatable indoor ball tent
- the contents of her semi-annual basement cleanout (old books, cookware, appliances)

For years, I've repeated that we simply do not have the storage space, but thanks. Apparently, she had enough of this response because she just told me that "if she ever wins the lottery/has extra money, she's going to build us an addition so we have more storage space."

[Anonymous]

I found out recently my pos DIL sold every gift I have ever given to them and the kids on Ebay.

Now the bitch will get nothing, the kids will no longer get gifts and my son better not be licking his lips for an inheritance because I'm leaving everything I own to my sister.

I'm glad I never have to see her ugly face again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her you don't have room anymore, but would love for her to hold onto the items so that they can be around for the next generation.

Agreed.

And hope and pray you can toss them from MIL's house before she becomes a great-grandmother and pressures the next generation with the same stuff?

No, it is not worth the OP's time and energy to manage her MIL's feelings in the way, let alone schlep outdated furniture around. Unless it's something very small and easily transportable, not to mention actually usable, this is not the way to go.

Is MIL asking about every item? I'd find some way to deflect it, or simply re-direct her to DH and ask him to handle these questions.

Considering that's probably 16-18 years from now, that might be a case of crossing that bridge when you get to it. If it would make her happy now, and get the stuff out of OP's house, why go looking for reasons to make it more difficult? Just give it back to MIL and let your kids worry about it later. Who knows, they could LOVE the stuff from great-grandma. Let them decide.

Or, of course, MIL is dead before then and then OP can be all happy and giggly and excited about throwing out the stuff she hated.

Or she can just throw it out now rather than have to deal with it when she cleans out MIL's house upon her death--that was what I meant. There's no happy and giggly in that moment, just resentment that she catered to a crazy person and didn't throw those things away in the first place.

It's really ok for her to toss the stuff.

[Anonymous]

I think that you should talk to her (or have DH talk to her) and say that you have more of a Spartan outlook on things, and that she is more sentimental. Therefore, it doesn't look like you're blaming her. Then say you don't want to hurt her feelings, but to not to give you anything that you don't want us to keep. Done.

FWIW, I'm on your side. If she gives you a family heirloom (assuming it's small!), of course you keep it. But regular gifts are not for keeping forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out recently my pos DIL sold every gift I have ever given to them and the kids on Ebay.

Now the bitch will get nothing, the kids will no longer get gifts and my son better not be licking his lips for an inheritance because I'm leaving everything I own to my sister.

I'm glad I never have to see her ugly face again.

You have issues. Maybe you should gift experiences rather than more crap. Have you asked them what they want as gifts?

[Anonymous]

You cannot accept her things anymore. I know it's hard to say no, and probably your DH should say this, but it saves her pain down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out recently my pos DIL sold every gift I have ever given to them and the kids on Ebay.

Now the bitch will get nothing, the kids will no longer get gifts and my son better not be licking his lips for an inheritance because I'm leaving everything I own to my sister.

I'm glad I never have to see her ugly face again.

Maybe the children no longer used/outgrew your gifts? Maybe they didn't have the storage space? Maybe they wanted to minimize clutter?

You would deny your son and grandchildren an inheritance because you hate their mother?

Gifts are supposed to be given out of love....what someone does with the gift you give them is their choice. Did you give the gifts out of love?

[Anonymous]

She is insufferably sentimental (or I'm insufferably stoic) and becomes highly anxious or upset when we tell her we donated what she gave us to Goodwill ...the veiled hurt looks from her just plain irk me...

MY MIL used to unload whatever she had onto me, then go buy some more, then get all huffy. After awhile I just got tired of being manipulated. You are not obliged to say yes when other people use your home as a dumping ground ... however they describe it. Many trips to the dump after she died.