husband wants to take new job offer only $8 raise and a 65 mile commute

[Anonymous]

Do you think he's trying to get out of the house? I have a neighbor whose DH works as late as possible to make sure the kids are in bed when he gets home (though he plays with them a lot on the weekends). He also wants to take a 2-yr danger zone job starting next year, and family would not be allowed to go (kids are both toddlers). Or do you think it's it really just that he hates his job? I can understand his frustration - being in a bad job is soul-sucking - but he can't just shift the misery to you and think that's fair. He needs to keep applying and find something mutually beneficial. GL

[Anonymous]

65 miles is far. Where do you live? That is Lorton to Baltimore far.

[Anonymous]

the job is 20 miles north of baltimore.

[Anonymous]

Could you tell us your work situation since that is a big part of this equation? If you also commute, moving is not practical unless you are also willing to look for a new job. If you don't, moving should at least be on the table. Maybe this isn't the right job, but you need to discuss with your husband what are the threshold issues you would be willing to relocate for, etc. If you have a career, it's even more necessary since you would be giving up opportunities either if you move or if he has a longer commute and you have to pick up the slack.

Growing up, my father had a long commute from our rural town to a suburb of a city an hour and a half away. It did work out fine. He started it when we were already in elementary school so we were getting up really early to get on the school bus. He left the house at 6, but we left at 6:45, so it didn't feel like we were missing out. He had a job that he could leave at 5, so he was home by 6:30. This also didn't feel that late to us (and is much earlier than my DH gets home now with a 15 minute commute). My dad was really well-read and well informed because he listened to books on tape everyday in the car.

A lot of whether or not this kind of situation works is about the actual schedule of the job, your job, the age of the kids, etc. It's not just the number of miles travelled per day. Not moving was the right choice for my parents, but I don't think my life or my mom's life would have been ruined if we did move. I think it was intended to be a temporary situation for my parents but ended up lasting 18 years because it was manageable for my parents and our family. My dad was also a really responsible guy. I played a lot of high school sports and my dad made it to more games than most parents who worked close by. He was always on the sideline in a suit, but he was always there.

[Anonymous]

The wear and tear in your car (gov't uses 50 cents a mile) will be way more than $8k plus loss of time with family plus the extra taxes. It actually seems like a net loss.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like he is changing jobs for the money, but for the experience. He shouldn't be stuck in a job he hates. It sounds like you are a spoiled SAHM that doesn't get it. Move closer to his new job.

[Anonymous]

Before anyone recommends they up and move (or not), how about OP sharing more about the job offer, other than the $8K increase? Is is more responsibility, growing company, more opportunity down the road? If husband has evaluated other aspects to the offer it may be a good move. Does he tend to make decisions impulsively or does he evaluate things? Hopefully you BOTH look at the big picture here in making a decision.

[Anonymous]

What field is your husband in?

That drive is killer but your husband currently hates his job.
You realize he could leave you as a single parent and you'd lose more than $8k right?

Convince him to stick it out to find a job closer to home. Bad weather or an accident will make that drive 2 hrs on an average day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the job is 20 miles north of baltimore.

I would make him get an apartment and live up there during the week before I would uproot my family.

[Anonymous]

Towson/owings mills is very nice. Good schools, housing is cheaper, great sense of community. But it is not a commute.

I'd suggest, for the first six months, him renting a place up there mon night through thur night. After six months, if the job is secure, move your family up there and don't look back. You can get down once a week to visit your mom easily. I live in NOVA and my folks live in Baltimore, its easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move closer to his new job, particularly if you do not work. Children adapt to new friends, schools, and experiences, and you will probably find that the cheaper cost of living 65 miles outside the DC Metro area makes that $8/hour raise go even farther.

Importantly, your husband appears to be trapped in an unfavorable work environment where his current employer does not value him, and he now has the exciting opportunity to pursue a job with an employer who is equally excited about him.

Life is too short for a woman or a man to whittle away the years at a job where there is no progress -- unless they want to (and there are good, legitimate reasons for those jobs also, like less stress or more time with family). But if your husband is professionally ambitious, then he may see this as the next, necessary step to meaningfully advance his career. Take that opportunity from him, and he may come to resent you for it.

If you work in this area, then let him try the commute for a year to make sure the job is a good one before you commit to the move.

I do agree with this poster. You're talking about someone who is "trapped" and has found a job that provides a way out. It's easy for you to say he should sit tight because your life is working great for you (schools, family, community of faith), but you don't want a bitter miserable DH. You guys are a team and his job is important to your family and, doubtless, a big part of his life and identity. I don't think you want to make light of what it's like to be unhappy at work.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP; have him rent a long-stay hotel room, or something similar, IF he does take the job. At a minimum, the commute will eat up at least $3,000 after tax of his $8K pre-tax base raise. On that alone, it is not worth it economically. If this offers him better opportunities for advancement, then you should consider it. Meanwhile, you and him seem on different planets as to his work ethic, his ambition, and motivation to seek better opportunities. If he really dislikes his current job, perhaps more than 1 attempt at new employment might benefit the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here. I agree he needs to make a change, but how about a little effort closer to home? He's so desperate to get out of this job. Now he says someone wants him to apply for a job that is remote, he would work from home, and has 40% travel to asia. I can't win. Feeling so trapped and alone. I will be doing everything.

Grow up, women and men have to raise children alone (or close to it) for all sorts of reasons.

You seem to want your spouse to earn the salary to sustain your life "as-is". That is best for you, perhaps, but he is clearly unhappy working at a job where he is underused and has no opportunity for advancement. Now he has one offer 65 miles away with an employer who is excited to have him, or an interview with another employer who will keep him local, but require a good deal of international travel. Neither option seems to make you happy, but since he has been working at his current to keep you happy for the last X years, perhaps it is your turn to step up, put on a happy face, and say "go ahead, take that job if you think that it will advance your career long term, and I will be here to take care of the kids and help in any way that I can."

Better yet, share your concerns and stresses, ask him if and why he truly believes that this job will be better for his career - especially in light of the sacrifices it will entail - and then accept and support his decision.

FYI, I write this from experience. Last October, my DH took a job in the Bay Area which he is truly excited about. He commutes back home twice a month, and after six months of this, and more certainty on his part about how much he likes the new job, I am currently preparing to move our family out there as soon as the kids finish school.

[Anonymous]

If you force him to turn down the job, he's going to resent you.

MOVE and think of it as an adventure.

It wouldn't kill you to at least look at new houses and neighborhoods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here. I agree he needs to make a change, but how about a little effort closer to home? He's so desperate to get out of this job. Now he says someone wants him to apply for a job that is remote, he would work from home, and has 40% travel to asia. I can't win. Feeling so trapped and alone. I will be doing everything.

I really think you need to stop whining. You complained about the Baltimore job; well, he's telling you it could be worse. I think you need to accept that he needs a new job, that new job is not in his control, he isn't prepared to keep waiting (and to be fair if he's been miserable for years, he feels he has been waiting!), and as a family you need to go to where that new job is.