Does your spouse say mean things to you?

[Anonymous]

No. It was not modeled for me growing up, and I wouldn't tolerate it being modeled for my own children. Do spouse and I argue and have rough patches? Absolutely. But there are no nasty, biting, mean comments.

Like I say to my kids, "It's okay to feel hurt and it's okay to feel anger. But it's never okay to say mean things or to be rude to someone on purpose." That applies to everyone in the house.

[Anonymous]

Yes, unfortunately. Extremely, utterly awful things. Like the PP above, I believe he thinks it's said in a fit of anger and aren't true, and therefore all should be forgotten/forgiven/blown off. I have told him numerous times that, just so he knows, I love him less and less each time he does that. He also refuses counseling. It's been a rough go and not at all what I envisioned my marriage to be like. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Every time he says something mean to you, write it down on a piece of paper and tape it to the kitchen cabinet. Add to that paper for every hurtful and mean thing.

It sounds crazy, but he'll stop when he's confronted with the things he says.

[Anonymous]

Yes. nobody disagrees with my wife and gets out alive.

[Anonymous]

Yes, very often. He calls me names, insults me, talks condescending to me, etc. It didn't used to be like this. It kills me inside a little bit each time. At least he makes a point of not doing it in front of our kids.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends what he's saying. My husband has said I was being a bitch, etc, in the past. I don't love it, believe me, but he has never and would never say some of the things I see on here - he would never insult my appearance, say I'm worthless, stupid, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but he does it all in a "joking" way. And when I call him out on it, I'm being a nag or too uptight. Very sad.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH tells me I'm selfish, only a part-time (or absentee) mom because I work outside the home, unsupportive, "psycho" when I went through post-partum depression, and "think I'm still in my 20's" when I try to get a date night to repair our broken marriage. Bitch, c&nt, and "f@ck you" roll off my back compared to the others. I'm no perfect wife by any means, but I really hate the name-calling and cheap shots. Like others have said, he seems to think it's ok because it's during a "fight." He also justifies by saying it's in response to me insulting him, but to him, asking him to pick up his socks is an insult since it implies he does nothing around the house. I used to cry over our fights, now I don't. I just don't care what he thinks any more. We almost divorced many times. He has threatened to fight me for custody "tooth and nail" and make sure everyone knows what a bad mom I am and that I saw a therapist for depression. I know I'm a good parent and I did the right thing, but his reputation makes him believable. He is a good dad, just not a good partner for me. He has recently started anti-depressants for a semi-related condition and it has helped. I'm just not sure though if this is a long-term solution or whether I can get back to how I felt before all this. FWIW- you would be shocked to hear this if you were one of our friends. No one would ever guess and I have no one to tell. I've grown to love his family like my own and can't imagine losing them in a divorce, but I know they would be hurt if I divorced him. Whew. Didn't know it would go on so long...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH tells me I'm selfish, only a part-time (or absentee) mom because I work outside the home, unsupportive, "psycho" when I went through post-partum depression, and "think I'm still in my 20's" when I try to get a date night to repair our broken marriage. Bitch, c&nt, and "f@ck you" roll off my back compared to the others. I'm no perfect wife by any means, but I really hate the name-calling and cheap shots. Like others have said, he seems to think it's ok because it's during a "fight." He also justifies by saying it's in response to me insulting him, but to him, asking him to pick up his socks is an insult since it implies he does nothing around the house. I used to cry over our fights, now I don't. I just don't care what he thinks any more. We almost divorced many times. He has threatened to fight me for custody "tooth and nail" and make sure everyone knows what a bad mom I am and that I saw a therapist for depression. I know I'm a good parent and I did the right thing, but his reputation makes him believable. He is a good dad, just not a good partner for me. He has recently started anti-depressants for a semi-related condition and it has helped. I'm just not sure though if this is a long-term solution or whether I can get back to how I felt before all this. FWIW- you would be shocked to hear this if you were one of our friends. No one would ever guess and I have no one to tell. I've grown to love his family like my own and can't imagine losing them in a divorce, but I know they would be hurt if I divorced him. Whew. Didn't know it would go on so long...

I'm sorry you have to go through that PP.
Just in case you ever decide to leave him, take pictures of his prescriptions. Only because of his (disgusting) threats towards you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH tells me I'm selfish, only a part-time (or absentee) mom because I work outside the home, unsupportive, "psycho" when I went through post-partum depression, and "think I'm still in my 20's" when I try to get a date night to repair our broken marriage. Bitch, c&nt, and "f@ck you" roll off my back compared to the others. I'm no perfect wife by any means, but I really hate the name-calling and cheap shots. Like others have said, he seems to think it's ok because it's during a "fight." He also justifies by saying it's in response to me insulting him, but to him, asking him to pick up his socks is an insult since it implies he does nothing around the house. I used to cry over our fights, now I don't. I just don't care what he thinks any more. We almost divorced many times. He has threatened to fight me for custody "tooth and nail" and make sure everyone knows what a bad mom I am and that I saw a therapist for depression. I know I'm a good parent and I did the right thing, but his reputation makes him believable. He is a good dad, just not a good partner for me. He has recently started anti-depressants for a semi-related condition and it has helped. I'm just not sure though if this is a long-term solution or whether I can get back to how I felt before all this. FWIW- you would be shocked to hear this if you were one of our friends. No one would ever guess and I have no one to tell. I've grown to love his family like my own and can't imagine losing them in a divorce, but I know they would be hurt if I divorced him. Whew. Didn't know it would go on so long...

I'm sorry you have to go through that PP.
Just in case you ever decide to leave him, take pictures of his prescriptions. Only because of his (disgusting) threats towards you.

X2. I'm so sad for you PP. Maybe reconsider your decision not to get a divorce. There is no way he would get full custody and if you document everything you might end up with the better end of the deal.

[Anonymous]

No, never.


I did grow up in a house where my father said mean things to my mother. He had anger issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH tells me I'm selfish, only a part-time (or absentee) mom because I work outside the home, unsupportive, "psycho" when I went through post-partum depression, and "think I'm still in my 20's" when I try to get a date night to repair our broken marriage. Bitch, c&nt, and "f@ck you" roll off my back compared to the others. I'm no perfect wife by any means, but I really hate the name-calling and cheap shots. Like others have said, he seems to think it's ok because it's during a "fight." He also justifies by saying it's in response to me insulting him, but to him, asking him to pick up his socks is an insult since it implies he does nothing around the house. I used to cry over our fights, now I don't. I just don't care what he thinks any more. We almost divorced many times. He has threatened to fight me for custody "tooth and nail" and make sure everyone knows what a bad mom I am and that I saw a therapist for depression. I know I'm a good parent and I did the right thing, but his reputation makes him believable. He is a good dad, just not a good partner for me. He has recently started anti-depressants for a semi-related condition and it has helped. I'm just not sure though if this is a long-term solution or whether I can get back to how I felt before all this. FWIW- you would be shocked to hear this if you were one of our friends. No one would ever guess and I have no one to tell. I've grown to love his family like my own and can't imagine losing them in a divorce, but I know they would be hurt if I divorced him. Whew. Didn't know it would go on so long...

You have someone to tell. The people who love you. Please, stop thinking YOU will look bad if you bust the "happy marriage" façade. That's a technique by which abusers keep their victims trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH tells me I'm selfish, only a part-time (or absentee) mom because I work outside the home, unsupportive, "psycho" when I went through post-partum depression, and "think I'm still in my 20's" when I try to get a date night to repair our broken marriage. Bitch, c&nt, and "f@ck you" roll off my back compared to the others. I'm no perfect wife by any means, but I really hate the name-calling and cheap shots. Like others have said, he seems to think it's ok because it's during a "fight." He also justifies by saying it's in response to me insulting him, but to him, asking him to pick up his socks is an insult since it implies he does nothing around the house. I used to cry over our fights, now I don't. I just don't care what he thinks any more. We almost divorced many times. He has threatened to fight me for custody "tooth and nail" and make sure everyone knows what a bad mom I am and that I saw a therapist for depression. I know I'm a good parent and I did the right thing, but his reputation makes him believable. He is a good dad, just not a good partner for me. He has recently started anti-depressants for a semi-related condition and it has helped. I'm just not sure though if this is a long-term solution or whether I can get back to how I felt before all this. FWIW- you would be shocked to hear this if you were one of our friends. No one would ever guess and I have no one to tell. I've grown to love his family like my own and can't imagine losing them in a divorce, but I know they would be hurt if I divorced him. Whew. Didn't know it would go on so long...

This was my marriage. I got out when my youngest was two months old. You can too.

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.

Don't let this man define your life, or take away any potential happiness. Because I guarantee you, when you're old and approaching your last years on earth you're gonna say to yourself, "What the fuck did I do?"

Please get out. You'll never regret it.

[Anonymous]

DH here. I am alot of issues and probably have anger issues. The irony is that when DW fight I try to criticize the behavior (as I scream about the house being a mess and her daily delivery of new clothes for example). On the other hand she will be down right nasty and attack the person - ie, you are the dumbest fuck I know, you can't do anything right, basically you suck. Gets it from her Mother - there is a nastiness there. Ironically, the good times hid do much, but the bad times really show someone's true colors. I am no peach to live with but I know now that there is a difference between someone that is nice and a generosity of soul. DW may be nice when we aren't fighting but I have begun to doubt if she really is a nice person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle it?

Fwiw we generally have a good marriage but it's been a rough few years. I do love him dearly but honestly can only take so much and just want to be happy. I've been trying really hard to fix things and he is giving nothing and notices nothing wrong with our roommate status relationship. Some days are great then he says or mainly jokes really sh*tty and hurtful things. Not abusive daily but just really shitty things practically weekly.
They continue to kill me little by little. Ps. He refuses therapy. I just don't know why I try anymore. Actually I've given up this past week and now he seems hurt. I don't know why I try anymore.


Any advice please?

Yes, my husband was like his and I complained about him on this forum often. Eventually I gave him an ultimatum: counseling or he can move out. Then, the counselor called him out on the behavior immediately and basically told him keep it up and you'll end up alone. So I think he's getting better but I think we're going to be in counseling for a long, long time.