SIL sort of annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't respond to all of them. Of course thank her when you receive something, but you don't need to reply to everything. Eventually she'll ask why you haven't replied and you can let her know how busy you are and that you don't text or check your email much.

Be sensitive to the fact that she has no husband or kids (if that's what she wants), and recognize that doing this gives her some kind of purpose, but you don't need to drop everything to deal with those questions. Has she spent much time around the kids? When my ILs spend time here they leave looking like they've been through a war, and for a little while stop bugging us about little things, because they get a sense of just how busy we are.

I agree. OP, please consider cutting her a little slack. I totally agree with you that she is being overbearing with the many inquiries! But I also think a little understanding will keep this from turning into a problem that nags at you.

When she does send something, even a card, acknowledge it right away. As someone else noted, put that dress on your kid and take a few photos and send them to her - don't wait for her to ask. Same with gifts; take a few pictures of the kids with the gifts and send by snail mail, along with some kind of simple thank-you card the kids made if they're old enough to do so (and even a toddler can glue something onto paper and scribble a "picture"). Using snail mail means you aren't doing an instant reply each time, and slows the whole process down.

Don't reply to texts or e-mails immediately, or even on the same day, and screen calls to reply to them later, but also don't ignore her; reach out to her at times when she has not been contacting you, so that you and your husband are seen to be taking some initiative. Every communication from your end shouldn't just be a response to her bugging you about this or that thing arriviing; you might find the bugging slacks off some if she hears from you, husband and kids at times when she's not bombarding you about cards. Sounds like she needs assurance that your family's thinking of her. Ask about her life and interests and don't let all conversation be about the kids.

I am guessing from the post that you are not living near each other so it's not an option for her to see the kids, so she sends cards and gifts. Yes, she's overdoing it with the tracking of her cards etc. but if your kids are her only young family members, she's probably both enjoying finding things for them, and trying to reach out to her brother and you by showing interest in what she knows interests you the most -- your children. I would not brush her off over this, but learn to laugh about it with your husband in private and at the same time, contact her more when she's not begging for it.

[Anonymous]

op here:

i appreciate the helpful responses, but i already do reach out - i text her/facebook her occasionally to see how she's doing - she was recently sick and i sent her a quick message asking how things were. I also have had the kids call and say thanks and draw pictures for her. And i send her cute photos of them via text. And I sent her their school pictures to put up.

It's the constant badgering that gets to me - last year, she gave a gift that arrives monthly. I got forwarded emails of the tracking number, then a forward of the progress, then a text that she had sent both of the above, then a text asking if it had arrived ,then a text if it had been opened - and we didn't open them immediately - if it was a busy day, we waited until the next day, but it was just totally overwhelming. i actually asked her not to give a monthly type gift this year - only b/c the constant updating was SO stressful.

She's like this with EVERYTHING - for instance, when we were all flying to DH's family for Xmas: text #1: "are you guys flying on thursday for Xmas?" text 2 "ok, but what time? i want to know the exact time" text 3 "did you guys not get my message. i need the exact time b/c i want to coordinate with you guys." text 4 "i guess no one is going to reply to me, so whatever, i just booked my ticket on my own." we are flying from different cities - there is no coordination. we can't all fit in one cab or car, and we can all afford the cab/car, so no need to coordinate to the exact minute.

Anyways, that's why i'm venting here and not to her or to DH.

[Anonymous]

Could you prevent some of this by setting up a "wish list" on Amazon for things your daughter is currently into that would make nice gifts. When your SIL or the grandparents want to know what she'd like, you can send them the list. If they deviate from the list, fine, but at least the answers to their questions are all in one place.

Once you get a gift, take a photo of your kid wearing or playing with it and send it in an email saying thanks. That should suffice.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry but you are feeding into the habit by allowing her to develop an expectation that you will reply to her. Many others on this thread have made very good recommendations about keeping replies brief and limiting to one reply per issue/card/gift. And definitely allow your DH to step up; if he doesn't and SIL asks you why, refer that to DH.

[Anonymous]

At first I thought, like others had posted, she was looking for thanks. I know people like that. But after your update, it sounds more compulsive. Not that it makes it any less annoying for you.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have to contact you to see if it arrived? Are you not sending her a thank you note? That is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: last year, she gave a gift that arrives monthly. I got forwarded emails of the tracking number, then a forward of the progress, then a text that she had sent both of the above, then a text asking if it had arrived ,then a text if it had been opened - and we didn't open them immediately - if it was a busy day, we waited until the next day, but it was just totally overwhelming. i actually asked her not to give a monthly type gift this year - only b/c the constant updating was SO stressful.

You posted about her before, right? (Or there's someone else with the same problem.)

I think you need to stop with the texting--lots of things are more easily done by phone than by email or text. Sounds like she is so needy that you're either going to deal with 1000 little messages every week or one nice phone call. Make some excuse that you won't be able to text with her. (I'm trying to be less tied to the digital world. I feel more connected when I hear people's voices. I switched to a different data plan.) Then figure out a day and time you can be in touch with her by phone. Maybe you can video chat and she can see the presents in use. Be kind, be effusive, be loving, then get off the phone and be in touch the next week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry but you are feeding into the habit by allowing her to develop an expectation that you will reply to her. Many others on this thread have made very good recommendations about keeping replies brief and limiting to one reply per issue/card/gift. And definitely allow your DH to step up; if he doesn't and SIL asks you why, refer that to DH.

I agree. What she's doing is actually rude and inappropriate. Wanting to know how gifts are being used or where cards are kept is rude. I would not encourage her behavior and do not start sending her pictures of your kids wearing or playing with your gifts. That will become the norm for her and it will snowball. I would send a polite thank you for each gift and not answer any other texts or emails. At some point I would have dh explain to her that what she is doing isn't ok.

[Anonymous]

That is really stressful, OP! At first I though, oh, she's lonely, a text and pic as soon as you receive something would be nice. And I still think that would be a good thing to do, but her behavior is way beyond what I was originally thinking. I agree with a pp that you should ignore a lot of the texts but send a lovely and immediate thank you when something actually arrives. Is your dh her only sibling? Is the MIL around? Hard to say something as a SIL. Would dh say, hey sis, what gives with all these texts?

And, on another note, this gift giving manipulation drives me crazy. People, try to give gifts from your heart and once they leave your hands, be done with them. Don't count the days until the thank you note arrives. Think of how the gift recipient will be touched that you thought of them and let that be enough.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's just trying to cultivate a relationship and doesn't know what else to say or talk about.

[Anonymous]

You SIL sounds exactly like my mother. She gives gifts just so we have to be thankful and keeps track of how we use them.

There are 2 ways to handle this:
I will text you to let you know when we go the cards/gifts and send you a picture of it in use. - if she keeps up with the questions after that. I wouldn't answer them.

Or

Text a thank you for the card/gift and whenever she asks questions about them just say I don't know for you answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You SIL sounds exactly like my mother. She gives gifts just so we have to be thankful and keeps track of how we use them.

There are 2 ways to handle this:
I will text you to let you know when we go the cards/gifts and send you a picture of it in use. - if she keeps up with the questions after that. I wouldn't answer them.

Or

Text a thank you for the card/gift and whenever she asks questions about them just say I don't know for you answer.

To add: if she asks where the gifts are and how are they being used. Just say, "I really don't know that stuff is hard for me to keep track of."

[Anonymous]

I neverr see or speak to mine. Best decision ever made.

[Anonymous]

Lara: please stop sending all these texts.
Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:(The answer is never bc SIL picked a full brown dress which I countered with several DD would love and which SIL did not like).

Don't get involved in disagreeing with her choices--she obviously wants to give what she wants to give! If you want, make an Amazon wish list. If SIL asks for ideas, send the list. But otherwise don't try to shape her choices.

Then, be effusive but brief when something arrives. "Thanks for the lovely dress!"

And be prepared for her to ignore the list and buy what she wants. I am done giving MIL ideas. She asks and then buys what she wants/completely different then what I said so I am done.