attending weddings of relatives you hardly know

[Anonymous]

I am in the camp of go if you want but don't feel obligated to either- your mom is coming from that facing mortality/looking back place like PP mentioned probably- so her intentions are good, not sure if she is being pushy or not though.

I think some of these responses are kind of rigid though- there is no need to have a "personal policy/ procedure" that you follow for everything in your life- go if you want, don't if you don't- realize that sometimes you might want to go to these things and sometimes you would rather skip them- there is no wrong or right answer.

Spending a night with more distant family doesn't negate opportunity to spend a night with a close friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in the camp of go if you want but don't feel obligated to either- your mom is coming from that facing mortality/looking back place like PP mentioned probably- so her intentions are good, not sure if she is being pushy or not though.

I think some of these responses are kind of rigid though- there is no need to have a "personal policy/ procedure" that you follow for everything in your life- go if you want, don't if you don't- realize that sometimes you might want to go to these things and sometimes you would rather skip them- there is no wrong or right answer.

Spending a night with more distant family doesn't negate opportunity to spend a night with a close friend.

+1

I'm debating a similar situation right now. We were invited to the wedding of my 1st cousin's daughter. I haven't seen her in years but like her parents (her dad is my much-older cousin). The big plus of going is that I rarely get to the state where all that part of my family lives and the bride's grandmother is my favorite aunt, who probably won't be with us many more years. So, it would be great to see all of them. The wedding is just a reason to go. I could also see my out-of-state parents and sister who will attend. However, vacation time and travel $$ are limited so I'm not sure where I'll end up. If I go, it will likely only be me, not DH and kids (see limited $$ for travel!).

[Anonymous]

Don't go if you don't want to, but I don't see why you are upset about being invited, especially of you know it's not the bride's attempt at a gift grab. I'm with PP that if I didn't go to weddings and funerals, I would never see my family. I love family weddings, even if I don't know the couple gettin married, because it's a chance to get to know my extended family. Where else am I going to hear stories about my mom's failed attempt to steal a pony from her aunt's farm when she was 10, or meet my Dad's 100 year old great aunt who lives across the country? If you don't have any desire to get closer to your family then skip it. But weddings are big reunions for my family so I would go if you have the means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go and I wouldn't even send a gift. Just because you get an invitation doesn't mean you have to send a gift.

+ 1,000

[Anonymous]

I went to my cousins weddings. None of them came to mine. So that pretty much lets me know how much interest they have in maintaining a relationship with me.

If they made effort to come to yours, then I would try and go to theirs.

It's really up to you and what matters to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mother is getting older and thinking about mortality. If she's gone, who will be your family? She doesn't want to leave you all alone. That's where she's coming from.

If you want to get to know your cousins better, then start going to all family events. If you don't care, send a check and let that be the end of it. Either one is really okay.

Bingo. Exactly what I thought when I read the post. Mom is seeing all the adult kids are having milestone events in their lives like marriages, and she's realizing she would like to build more family ties for you and for herself before she is gone. That's pretty normal for parents as they age, and I hope you can be understanding about where she's coming from even if she's not fully aware of it herself.

OP, you do not have to go to this wedding, so send a reasonable wedding gift (no shower gift necessary) and a really nice card with a written note. Tell your mom that finances and time don't allow you to go. If she tries to guilt you, distract and divert: Make plans to do something with mom when the wedding's over. And keep making plans with her. She won't be around forever. Unless she is truly incessant about guilting you or is toxic with you in other ways -- if this is just about this one wedding and this one cousin you don't care about (understandably) -- then let this be your notice that mom is feeling her age and looking ahead to when she's not around.

As for destination wedding as vacation: Unless that destination would absolutely be my own choice for a vacation, if I were choosing with no wedding or other obligation involved, I wouldn't use a wedding as "Oh, well, it's a nice place to be so I'll go for that reason." I'd rather spend that money on going somewhere I truly want to be, on my own terms, with my own family members. If you really feel you'dl ike the "family reunion" aspect enough to go, then go for that plus the destination, but otherwise, say no nicely to mom.

[Anonymous]

If this were a first cousin, I would take the advice of the prior posters but it sounds like this is a second cousin so I would say don't go.

Unless the destination is someplace really cool and you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

When I got married I invited my moms cousins because we saw them on a yearly basis at a family reunion, plus any other random extended family events. While we may not have seen each other or talked on a regular basis, I knew them well enough to want them there. I did not extend the same invite to my dads side because we do not have the same relationship. Hardly ever saw them and did not know names or who belongs to who. I would not go if it is not a local wedding for you. It costs your cousin or her family money to host you and will cost you more to travel there. Send a semi nice gift and call it a day.

Not saying this is the case, but I had a cousin invite all the aunts and uncles to her wedding out of state hoping they would send nice gifts but not attend. It backfired and they sent cheap gifts! She was not kind to my aunt, and everyone knew what she was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this were a first cousin, I would take the advice of the prior posters but it sounds like this is a second cousin so I would say don't go.

Unless the destination is someplace really cool and you can afford it.

We're closer to some second cousins than to my half-sibling! Families grow in strange ways. If you want to strengthen the ties with that side of the family, and especially to have time to visit with the relatives who will be there who won't be directly busy with the wedding, go.

[Anonymous]

Don't go, and I wouldn't send a gift, but I don't know what the etiquette is.

[Anonymous]

Totally up to you. Don't let your mother pressure you. A wedding is not going to be quality time with the bride. No need to send any gifts if you don't go.