A narcissist or just desperate?

[Anonymous]

Yeah. I worry you are the desperate one. Why put up with that? You need to value yourself more.

[Anonymous]

I still have no idea what the OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

OP, you come from a family of codependents. This guy is a magnet for you. You want to know what's behind his behavior, but you need to shut that side of you down and just break up with him and get far away. He is very bad news.

Every siren should be blaring, every red flag should be waving. A person who tries to control you and manipulate you isn't doing it for your good. He doesn't care about you as a person. He has an idea in his head of someone, someone he can define and control and manipulate. He calls you ugly names.

For all you know, he's got a lot of BPD traits. You know what the universal advice is about this? RUN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is 29, very accomplished, great career, stable income, and good looking. He is very sweet, romantic, and a gentleman. I have been dating him for 5 months with new behavior emerging.

We met online and he had been single for 2 years. He came on a little strong, initiating a lot of texts and calls. We sometimes would talk for hours; I enjoyed it. We decided to meet although he talked about meeting for a series of dates incase the first didn't go well; kind of insecure, maybe. We met after two weeks of talking and hit it off. He initiates " the talk" to be exclusive on the first date. We take the next few moths enjoying getting to know each other. He still comes on heavy with constant text/calls and wanting to see me. Sex is beyond amazing.

He suddenly takes a turn 4 months in. I start talking about serious future matters and we don't see eye to eye on all of them. He tries to force my hand. He then goes on between a state of trying to change my mind to shutting me out when i disagree. He has a very clear picture of who I should be. He becomes controlling with regards of who I talk to and where I go. When I disagree on a matter, he shuts me out and then comes back like that scene never happened. I looked up narcissist and he has used the very same lines they use. He still has his moments of sweetness in between all this. He gets upset when I disagree and sometimes calls me ugly names. When apologizing he doesn't take responsibility. It's always " I am sorry you feel" or a but in there. He is great at playing the victim.

I won't divulge all details but I am struggling to determine what he is. Is he ultra critical because he is desperate about settling down already? Is he a narcissist who only appears to want the things I want and his true colors are emerging? Do narcissists change? I feel like I'm going crazy. Last but not least, are these red flag indicators to break it off?

OP, the bolded bits are HUGE red flags. Those things are not okay, at all. This is not the sort of thing that gets better with time. Typically, it gets worse. If you think it's bad now, wait until there are a couple of kids in the picture and you really feel trapped. Better yet, don't. There are decent, nice guys out there. This person is not emotionally healthy nor is he ready for a real relationship.

[Anonymous]

This does sound narcissistic and also BPD traits as someone else mentioned. The fact that he likes to play the victim is classic BPD. Does he tell a lot of half truths? Maybe you don't know each other well enough, but the lies will have a bit of truth embedded in them. When he talks on the phone he might exaggerate and it might not seem like a big deal, but it is all for attention.

You can only control your own actions OP. This man will never change and as others have said the behavior will only get worse. Those ugly names will turn into much worse names. He is already starting to tear you down by calling you names and by dismissing your accomplishments. Do you really want to be with someone who does that?

[Anonymous]

Name calling = deal breaker. If it's happening so early on then you're in for a nightmare unless you end it.

[Anonymous]

You are describing two of my ex boyfriends. Both presented differently, both could have been a range of disorders. What you describe has no future, no long-term potential of making you happy. Also the fantastic sex isn't worth having your head played with. Get out now. Find a girlfriend that will distract you and keep you away from his controlling messages, etc. he will not let you go without a fight and that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are describing two of my ex boyfriends. Both presented differently, both could have been a range of disorders. What you describe has no future, no long-term potential of making you happy. Also the fantastic sex isn't worth having your head played with. Get out now. Find a girlfriend that will distract you and keep you away from his controlling messages, etc. he will not let you go without a fight and that is the problem.

OR the other scenario - he will let you go (after some ugliness, I'm guessing) and within one week you'll see on FB that he's "in a relationship" with his next victim. Classic NPD.

[Anonymous]

Break up now. Things will only get worse from here. Block him on everything and don't look back.

[Anonymous]

Hint : if he does not love you, exactly as you are NOW, there is no future.

Don't diagnose him. Don't try to figure out the hand of cards he's playing. Just get the hell out. 5 months in nothing I the grand scheme when you're young.

[Anonymous]

He sounds horrible.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to know what he does in bed that is so great to offset his negative traits?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, I don't understand why you haven't broken it off and run full speed away from him already.

[Anonymous]

If you have any desire to have a reasonably normal, contented life, get out now. Narcissists do not improve with age. They get worse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YES, these red flags mean you should break it off.

Why does it matter whether he's a narcissist or desperate? Either way, you won't change him, and it's not your job to.

Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!!
OP, do you see what you're doing? You're distracting yourself from taking action by trying to decide what is really wrong with this guy. But the issue is that there is something seriously wrong with him. Who cares what it is? Run, don't walk, away from this relationship.