I don't need therapy for this, but here's what I want to do.

[Anonymous]

If you want to do it, just do it. I do t quite get why you keep focusing on whether he will have another relationship. If you need it to make you happy and you feel your children will not suffer, forget about all of that and concentrate on what YOU want. Sounds like that is what u have failed to do in the last 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you need your husband's permission for this. It sounds like you would be much, much happier without him, and he sounds like a really inconsiderate jerk. No wonder his sons are emulating him.

Why don't you see a lawyer and start proceedings? Life is short. You don't have to live like this any more.

I do also bristle at your victim tone and think therapy might really help, but I don't blame you for wanting to leave.

I am self critical but I don't feel a victim. I am not entitled to love and happiness. I think I've come to realize life is what it is. I have spent all of my twenties and thirties with this man and have come to the conclusion that there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. I have not given many details about our lives because I feel passed the point of analyzing our relationship. To me to be a victim is to feel entitled to the life that I have created with with him. I would love it if my life were different. I love him a great deal and wished he felt the same about me. Some very cruel things have been said that I swept under the carpet. For many years, I thought it was impossible to not develop deep affection for someone you live with for so long. I waking up to the fact that my kids are independent and that he will do a good job guiding them. This means a great deal to me. I think it's watching the everyday misery in his face that made it okay for me to move on. I think is finding a person that is going to fit in his life that's the challenge. Some years back, I think he checked out some dating sites but decided against it at some point.

I don't need therapy. Life is what it is.

I understand that you want to divorce him so he can find happiness, but what about your happiness? Don't you deserve to be happy?
Also, I understand that your children are independent, but they still need a mother.
The other thing I don't understand is if he's the breadwinner, why aren't you asking for 50% of the money? I foresee you at the age of 70 still working because you don't have an adequate retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you need your husband's permission for this. It sounds like you would be much, much happier without him, and he sounds like a really inconsiderate jerk. No wonder his sons are emulating him.

Why don't you see a lawyer and start proceedings? Life is short. You don't have to live like this any more.

I do also bristle at your victim tone and think therapy might really help, but I don't blame you for wanting to leave.

I am self critical but I don't feel a victim. I am not entitled to love and happiness. I think I've come to realize life is what it is. I have spent all of my twenties and thirties with this man and have come to the conclusion that there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. I have not given many details about our lives because I feel passed the point of analyzing our relationship. To me to be a victim is to feel entitled to the life that I have created with with him. I would love it if my life were different. I love him a great deal and wished he felt the same about me. Some very cruel things have been said that I swept under the carpet. For many years, I thought it was impossible to not develop deep affection for someone you live with for so long. I waking up to the fact that my kids are independent and that he will do a good job guiding them. This means a great deal to me. I think it's watching the everyday misery in his face that made it okay for me to move on. I think is finding a person that is going to fit in his life that's the challenge. Some years back, I think he checked out some dating sites but decided against it at some point.

I don't need therapy. Life is what it is.

OP, I respectfully submit that you really do owe it to yourself to go through some therapy. After doing the therapy, it's entirely possible that you might end up proceeding along a course similar to what you've describe above. However, I really think you owe it to yourself to go through a process of talk therapy with a professional. I know you believe you have thought through this as much as you need to, but there is a huge difference between talking to yourself, and talking things through with a third party.

Doing this will help you learn more about how/why you are in your current situation. It can help you figure how how to improve your situation.

All of us non-professional, anonymous folks on DCUM can rattle off our opinions, but I really think you need to do therapy, where you can have a confidential conversation with a professional and really get a good sense of where you are and where you should be going.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP, you do need some therapy. You sound depressed and very resigned to life.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband lock you up in the basement during the day and feed you through an open grate?

What's exactly stopping you from making an appointment with a lawyer and starting proceedings?

And why exactly are you willing to give up all the money earned during the marriage? Get a little something to help you survive modestly your remaining years of life, and get out of this crappy marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You didn't do a great job raising your sons if they're inconsiderate and disrespectful towards you.

We all have to live with our mistakes. I tried, I tried for 19 years and I failed. Now I am trying to give everyone what they need/want.

OP - you sound depressed. Are you in therapy? Could you get in therapy to help you navigate the next step to take? I really think you should do this before taking any other action.

[Anonymous]

So, get a divorce. Go see a lawyer. Start full-time and get an apartment.

[Anonymous]

OP I hope you have a good friend you can talk to.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I have a twin. I am waiting till my oldest goes to college and then I am getting a divorce. I am also going to get my half of everything I am owed. You should too.

Good luck and I hope you find the peace you deserve.

[Anonymous]

The only thing missing from your plan is to build a positive relationship with your boys.

Don't go on outings with them and their dad.

Plan outings with them and you.

You should start with taking each boys out alone for a while and build a relationship with them that way.

For example, I have 1 son that like horror movies so I go to those with him, just us 2.
The other son loves to go for hikes, so we do that together, just us (and our dog).

They are teenagers, many times teenagers are disrespectful. I am not saying it is okay but it is not all that unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your kids and DH are reacting to your depression and victim persona and prefer not to be around you because it is unpleasant. That doesn't mean that your family doesn't love you, but you can't expect kids, even teens, to understand their mother's mental health issues. Everyone may well be better off if you divorce, but you need therapy first before you make a decision that alters everyone's life.

+1000. Nobody like being around someone who is so miserable and depressed. Op needs to be on meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your kids and DH are reacting to your depression and victim persona and prefer not to be around you because it is unpleasant. That doesn't mean that your family doesn't love you, but you can't expect kids, even teens, to understand their mother's mental health issues. Everyone may well be better off if you divorce, but you need therapy first before you make a decision that alters everyone's life.

+1000. Nobody like being around someone who is so miserable and depressed. Op needs to be on meds.

or it might resolve once she is out of the toxic situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your kids and DH are reacting to your depression and victim persona and prefer not to be around you because it is unpleasant. That doesn't mean that your family doesn't love you, but you can't expect kids, even teens, to understand their mother's mental health issues. Everyone may well be better off if you divorce, but you need therapy first before you make a decision that alters everyone's life.

+1000. Nobody like being around someone who is so miserable and depressed. Op needs to be on meds.

or it might resolve once she is out of the toxic situation.

OP is partly responsible for the toxic environment. Instead of being such a victim, she should hold herself accountable for her situation instead of running away be in all likelihood, she's just going from one miserable situation to another... All mostly of her own making.

[Anonymous]

Op was this an arranged marriage? How old are your boys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like your kids and DH are reacting to your depression and victim persona and prefer not to be around you because it is unpleasant. That doesn't mean that your family doesn't love you, but you can't expect kids, even teens, to understand their mother's mental health issues. Everyone may well be better off if you divorce, but you need therapy first before you make a decision that alters everyone's life.

+1000. Nobody like being around someone who is so miserable and depressed. Op needs to be on meds.

or it might resolve once she is out of the toxic situation.

OP is partly responsible for the toxic environment. Instead of being such a victim, she should hold herself accountable for her situation instead of running away be in all likelihood, she's just going from one miserable situation to another... All mostly of her own making.

Maybe but she won't know until she removes the H from her life that has made it clear he does not like or love her and is only there for the kids.