I don't need therapy for this, but here's what I want to do.

[Anonymous]

I think my family's needs for me has run its course. I've made my bed and lay in it, but I think now it is best if we all moved on. Long story short, DH is not attracted to me or like me all that much. If he had the courage or wasn't so moral I think he would live. Anyway we have two teenage boys, he has stuck around because I have done a good job raising them according to DH. They are successful and decent people for the most part. I've done the best I could meeting everyone's needs over the years. My kids are inconsiderate and disrespectful towards me, but adores DH. They often don't want me involve in outings and prefer to do things together. I am always a third wheel. I am not having an emotional breakdown over this, things could be worst: illnesses, poverty etc.

DH have always been closed off emotional and there is zero affection. DH is successful. We have a beautiful home and lifestyle. I think someone else is a better fit for DH. I would gladly give him a divorce and live him with all the financial benefit as it would be best for the children. I would be the noncustodial parent but split custody and have the kids in the weekend.

This is not ideal or what I signed up for 19 years ago but the reality the man is miserable. I think he would be happier with someone else and I could have piece of mind knowing when I go to sleep at night, when I am in my home it is where I belong.

[Anonymous]

Good luck with whatever you end up doing. Not an easy decision. I probably wouldn't want to live someplace where I was disrespected either. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

I think you are assuming DH will happily agree to this set up, including the $$$.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what you are suggesting? You want to leave but not take any money with you- is that what 'live' him the financial benefit means? If so, how will you live? Do you have career also? Or is your plan for DH to support 2 households indefinitely? Just trying to figure out your plan here.

[Anonymous]

You didn't do a great job raising your sons if they're inconsiderate and disrespectful towards you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are assuming DH will happily agree to this set up, including the $$$.

I assumed in the past that DH didn't want a divorce because he know he couldn't be custodial parent and therefore the financial, i.e. child support and spousal support prevented him from wanting a divorce. But now that the kids are alder and clearly prefers him, I don't see why a divorce is an issue for him, it certainly isn't an issue for me anymore. A divorce from would not cost him anything, I feel he has everything to gained, including the opportunity to start new with a newer younger wife. I suspect though, he may feel another woman may come with garbage, such kids or wanting to have to children. I think this may be the biggest consideration for him. He would rather have me around picking up after everyone and act like I'm invisible. It's worth it for me anymore. I'd have less money and be alone then have this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure what you are suggesting? You want to leave but not take any money with you- is that what 'live' him the financial benefit means? If so, how will you live? Do you have career also? Or is your plan for DH to support 2 households indefinitely? Just trying to figure out your plan here.

I will no way have the same financial ability. I currently have a part time job I can go full time with less family responsibility. I do not want a single thing from him if he is the custodial parent. I want no strings or drama. He can have it all. All I want is my sanity. I can provide for myself. From what I have read here most men would jump at my offer. I have basically have told him he can replace me if he likes.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you start with a vacation on your own?

I think you need to tell your kids how you feel. Tell them you love them but feel that you're not wanted. They're just in a pattern of behavior ... they probably want to tell you they love you. Don't make a big deal of the disrespect - teenagers can do that. But it sounds like you're burying yourself deeper when you speak with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You didn't do a great job raising your sons if they're inconsiderate and disrespectful towards you.

We all have to live with our mistakes. I tried, I tried for 19 years and I failed. Now I am trying to give everyone what they need/want.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a weak person who loves to play the martyr. My mother was sometimes like this and it was annoying. Woe is me, nobody loves me, I'll just shrink away and disappear. Go ahead a divorce your husband, but you'll never get your childrens' respect with that attitude.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like your kids and DH are reacting to your depression and victim persona and prefer not to be around you because it is unpleasant. That doesn't mean that your family doesn't love you, but you can't expect kids, even teens, to understand their mother's mental health issues. Everyone may well be better off if you divorce, but you need therapy first before you make a decision that alters everyone's life.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you need your husband's permission for this. It sounds like you would be much, much happier without him, and he sounds like a really inconsiderate jerk. No wonder his sons are emulating him.

Why don't you see a lawyer and start proceedings? Life is short. You don't have to live like this any more.

I do also bristle at your victim tone and think therapy might really help, but I don't blame you for wanting to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a weak person who loves to play the martyr. My mother was sometimes like this and it was annoying. Woe is me, nobody loves me, I'll just shrink away and disappear. Go ahead a divorce your husband, but you'll never get your children's respect with that attitude.

I think you need to address your issues with your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a weak person who loves to play the martyr. My mother was sometimes like this and it was annoying. Woe is me, nobody loves me, I'll just shrink away and disappear. Go ahead a divorce your husband, but you'll never get your children's respect with that attitude.

I think you need to address your issues with your mother.

I'm just saying that her children probably don't respect her because she doesn't respect herself.
OP came here asking for advice, I don't need yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you need your husband's permission for this. It sounds like you would be much, much happier without him, and he sounds like a really inconsiderate jerk. No wonder his sons are emulating him.

Why don't you see a lawyer and start proceedings? Life is short. You don't have to live like this any more.

I do also bristle at your victim tone and think therapy might really help, but I don't blame you for wanting to leave.

I am self critical but I don't feel a victim. I am not entitled to love and happiness. I think I've come to realize life is what it is. I have spent all of my twenties and thirties with this man and have come to the conclusion that there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. I have not given many details about our lives because I feel passed the point of analyzing our relationship. To me to be a victim is to feel entitled to the life that I have created with with him. I would love it if my life were different. I love him a great deal and wished he felt the same about me. Some very cruel things have been said that I swept under the carpet. For many years, I thought it was impossible to not develop deep affection for someone you live with for so long. I waking up to the fact that my kids are independent and that he will do a good job guiding them. This means a great deal to me. I think it's watching the everyday misery in his face that made it okay for me to move on. I think is finding a person that is going to fit in his life that's the challenge. Some years back, I think he checked out some dating sites but decided against it at some point.

I don't need therapy. Life is what it is.