Ready to Wash Hands of DS
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Anonymous
| Why didn't you just tell him to return home to pick you up? Or did you and he flat out said no? Why didn't you turn the TV off when you were ready to go? Why are you letting him act this way? He isnot your husband. He is your 18 yr old kid. |
Anonymous
| Annoying, yes, but I also think you are over reacting because of your general anxiety waiting for test results. Its like your engine is running before you even start. Totally normal reaction. But be aware of it. You probably shouldn't make any decisions or have any serious discussions with your DS until you get your results. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this stress right now.
It sounds like you're a good mother, but it also seems like part of the problem is that you're doing too much for him. He was blatantly disrespectful of you when he left in his car, leaving you behind and refusing to return for you. And from what you say it seems that he is disrespectful of you quite often. I understand he's eighteen and that young people make mistakes (I just graduated in the past year), but he's also at a point in his life where it's time for him to start taking more responsibility for his own life. A part-time job doesn't seem like a bad idea so that he can at least contribute something, no matter how small, to his own living expenses. It seems like he doesn't care to make good grades or show respect to you because he knows he doesn't have to- he'll still be able to have his life paid for by only putting forth minimal effort. He can either learn to do things on his own or he can show you a minimum amount of respect. Stop sticking your neck out only to have him step all over it. I'm not saying give up on him, but if a situation arises like the one with the promissory note- if he's not serious about having you help, let him figure it out on his own. Don't stress. |
Anonymous
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Gosh, op this really sounds like it could have been written about my brother. Save the specific details, the attitude is exactly the same.
I am going to go back and reread this thread every time I feel like strangling him. What is it about college age men that make them act so entitled and full of themselves in the most obnoxious way? |
Anonymous
Take care of yourself and stop posting here. You do not sound like you're in great shape right now, physically or mentally, and your posts only make it sound like the apple did not fall far from the tree. |
Anonymous
| OP, I think you have posted before. Many times. Same general problem. |
Anonymous
 Do you even have kids? Are they teens? This is a typical teen behavior. Stupid, irresponsible, careless, forgetful, distracted and lacking a sense of priority - but not evil.
He is as good a fit for college as majority of the teens in college. This is the reason that they still need parents. After a few years they do a 180 and change completely. OP, do what you need to do to manage this issue and hope your health report is good. PP - do you know what teens are not a good fit for? The Armed Forces! It kills me to see kids in the army, facing things and doing a job that is the toughest in the world. |
Anonymous
I remember being a teen once. I had to be responsible as a teen, so did all my siblings. I'm guessing so do a lot of other teens as a matter of necessity. I would think being a child of a single mom with health issues would necessitate a bit more responsibility from a teen. A few generations ago, teens were much more responsible than they are now. Did their brains all of a sudden change? Or was it just because they were forced to be more mature and responsible as teens? The reason why so many teens are entitled and lazy is because so many parents allow them to be because they think teens are too immature to handle any responsibility. |
Anonymous
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First, I hope that the test results came out okay. The next thing I want to say is that I think underneath feeling frustrated is this fear. You want to know that your child can be this self-supporting adult some day in the near future and you feel this pressure even more because you are a single mom and going thru a health issue.
I think as parents there is always this struggle to find that balance between letting your kids assume responsibility and the consequences and when to step in to help them. I don't think there is a magic answer as to which way to go and it can depend on the child but I think you have to be clear in your expectations, follow thru, and your consequences be related/proportion to the issue. In your story with the academic probation it is completely justified to say he has one more semester to bring up his grades or he has to transfer to a local college. I think it's also fair to say you need to know his plan is to bring up his grades, what resources will he use etc, how do you know he is on track and reasonable checkpoints versus waiting until final grades. With the financial papers, I personally would not have stressed myself out after the second time mentioning it and spelling out what it means if it is not done, and letting him know where your involvement ends. When you are working harder to do something than the person that should be motivated to do it for themselves, you have to question it - either they don't really want it, they are having emotional issues about dealing with success and failure (like they are afraid to really want something and try hard and not get it) or they haven't lived in the reality of knowing if they don't do it no one else will. If you are sure that he wanted to go back to that college, I would assume he would do what he had to clear it up and ask for help if he can't or he would learn the hard way about not taking care of those sort of things. He wouldn't make that mistake twice and better to learn now. With the car, it is whatever rules you established with the car ...if you are paying for the cost and the Insurance and he is borrowing the car, he needs to ask before using it. If you have given him a car as a gift that he is free to use as he wants, then as pissed off as you were he technically didn't break the rules of the car use by leaving when he did. Kids frustrate us for sure. Now in my 40's between various work situations and having older elementary age children I feel like I finally can see clearly what my parents were trying get across and likely their fear I would end up unhappy in work, love, and relationships if I never learned all these life lessons though out childhood. I won't lie that some of it depends on the child. Different levels of happiness between my siblings and there is still hope that everyone will find their way. But the biggest lesson my parents did teach me is at some point you are responsible for your actions and any consequences and while they will love us as our parents, our relationship cannot and will not be the same at 26 or 36 as it was at 16. |
Anonymous
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PP here. I wanted to add that I went back and reread the initial post and you said that you told him if "we don't figure out the financial situation,he will need to get a job and transfer in state in the fall". I think you needed to be more specific and stick to what you say will happen otherwise it's like the Charlie Brown cartoons when the teacher is talking and you can't hear the words just "waa waa waa waaa" with various intonation. We means what - he will do what action by when and you will do what by when? If he had to first clear up the promissory note before you could do something what was his deadline in order to give you enough time?. Take out a calendar and put it in a calendar. The way I heard it he had until classes started to get this done and he figures he can wait to the last minute.
We have a rule in the house that we (parents) don't run out to get school project supplies during the week - it is too stressful on us with our work situations and all the activities to be told at the 11th hour we need poster board on a Tuesday night for something due Wednesday. We have been clear at a young age that if you don't tell us by Friday or even Saturday you are out of luck and the kids know we aren't kdding about it. Besides being able to keep a bit of sanity in our own lives in the real world there are lots of things you can't do at the 11th hour if you need someone else to do something for you ...people need lead time to juggle the other things they have and you could find out that person is on vacation when you look for them to do their part. |
Anonymous
This. He doesn't KNOW how to act like an adult because you probably never gave him the tools to have to do it. |
Anonymous
| OP, I still think you are loading up this situation with too much baggage. You have your health issues and siblings who are struggling. Thats a lot to layer on top of an 18 year-old who is acting in a typically teen fashion. An 18 year old is not fully forms and if you look at him now and assume he will always be this way, you are mistaken and creating issues for yourself. You have some issues here so shrink them down to their proper size. Make your expectations clear. Try to set him up to succeed. step back and let go what isn't really important. Its going to be OK. |
Anonymous
| Hi OP. I am so sorry for your health issues. I imagine it is pretty scary. I understand your son is annoying you now, mine was annoying, ungrateful and disrespectful.. I found it best to take a step back. I think one of the unspoken issues here is that there is no one to take care of you and you want your son to man up and not be so irresponsible. I had some issues that made me feel the same way. Sometimes I am still pissed at him for making things more difficult when we were going through a family crisis. But in my heart I know he was just immature and a little overly selfish. I think he is still pretty selfish. However, think really hard before you throw your hands up and change his future. Will making him change colleges derail him. If the news is very bad what path would you want him on? I think having him safe and happy at school might give you tremendous comfort in the next few months. |
Anonymous
| Boys don't become "adult" until they are 25, hopefully. |
Anonymous
| Where is the father? |