passive aggressive MIL and DH doesn't see it

[Anonymous]

She's P/A and you're paranoid and oversensitive. This is a terrible combination.

You can only control your own behavior. You can't stage-manage anyone else.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to everyone for the good advice. I am definitely going to have DH handle communication with her from now on to avoid these "miscommunications." That's only half the problem though.

DH and I have had some struggles recently and weren't in a good place. We are finally working hard together to compromise on a lot of things and our marriage is much better now. Until MIL interferes. I realize this is not just a MIL problem but is also a DH problem but I don't know how to handle it. We have a major decision coming up as we are moving and starting to look at houses. We have finally reached a good compromise but MIL doesn't like it and that's why she's starting making all these negative comments about me. FWIW when she outright told DH to stand up to me and not compromise he did tell her to back off so now she has resorted to trying to me me look bad instead. I feel like she's trying to plant seeds that I'm no good and he doesn't need to compromise with me.

Anyway, I know this makes me seem paranoid and May be I'm insecure but I feel like if you take slightly shaky marriage and add a lot of stress and then add an interfering MIL on top of it then it's just a recipe for disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One simple solution: Stop being the one to communicate with her. Let DH do it, and tell him. He gets to make gift suggestions, invite to school concerts, send cards, whatever else. Either she will behave for him, or he will have to deal with the bad behavior himself. Let him bring the kids to visit them while you do something else.

But make the ILs not your problem for the most part.

Time to initiate, "don't ask, don't tell" with your MIL. Don't share worries, concerns, decisions or really anything with her. Your DH can extend invitations, make arrangements, provide wish lists. If your DH is anything like mine, your MIL will not hear about the minutiae in your life. Also, agree w/ your DH to not tell your MIL certain things; decide what info you want kept private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One simple solution: Stop being the one to communicate with her. Let DH do it, and tell him. He gets to make gift suggestions, invite to school concerts, send cards, whatever else. Either she will behave for him, or he will have to deal with the bad behavior himself. Let him bring the kids to visit them while you do something else.

But make the ILs not your problem for the most part.

This, exactly. You need to disengage more and stop being the go-between. Wives frequently insert themselves into this position with the ILs. It's like we can't help ourselves, but we need to let go.

Also, if your MIL says something snarky to you or in front of you, ask her, "What do you mean by that?" Passive-aggressive people HATE to be confronted directly. They want you to play along. Ask a PA to explain her remarks, and she'll usually pipe down.

The MIL talking behind your back is another issue. Look at it from your husband's point of view. He has been coping with his mother and their mother-son dynamic for a long time. It's what he knows, and so he's comfortable with it. He doesn't want to rock the boat. You need to explain calmly and rationally how his actions make you feel and how you would like this to change. I would start by telling him that he should not be discussing his marriage and his spousal relationship with his mother. Really, that should be off limits, and he certainly shouldn't discuss spousal disagreements with his mother. BTW, I hope you abide by the same rule and don't complain to or share too much information with your own parents. You both need to lay down some ground rules and stay true to them.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all the PP's saying to leave it up to your DH to handle his mom and arrange bday gifts, invites etc. And he definitely needs to learn to not yak about marriage stuff to MIL, off limits.

[Anonymous]

Are you and your DH in therapy, OP? It took my DH seeing how toxic his mom is to his sister's marriage to realize that she actually roots for our marriage to fail. She is very possessive of her children and delights in bashing their spouses. My SIL's marriage is all but over, and MIL does nothing but continue to beat the dead horse of my BIL, who actually seems like a pretty nice (albeit completely passive) guy who is a great and very involved father. MIL loves it when SIL comes here for the holidays without her husband. She snapped at us when she heard that we sent him a message at Christmas on Facebook saying that we missed him and hoped to see him at a future holiday. She does nothing but tear him down, even in front of her granddaughter.

MIL had been cutting me down for a while, but it wasn't until DH saw her toxicity aimed at his BIL that he realized that his mom really wasn't rooting for any of our marriages to be happy. She loves that my DH was her "best friend" before he married me and after his first marriage failed. This realization hasn't caused DH to completely change his behavior - - it's a lifetime of her being controlling and manipulative, so not something he can fix his reactions to overnight - but the lightbulb when he realized that she really wants our family to break up has helped him become more protective of us as a family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One simple solution: Stop being the one to communicate with her. Let DH do it, and tell him. He gets to make gift suggestions, invite to school concerts, send cards, whatever else. Either she will behave for him, or he will have to deal with the bad behavior himself. Let him bring the kids to visit them while you do something else.

But make the ILs not your problem for the most part.

This, exactly. You need to disengage more and stop being the go-between. Wives frequently insert themselves into this position with the ILs. It's like we can't help ourselves, but we need to let go.

Also, if your MIL says something snarky to you or in front of you, ask her, "What do you mean by that?" Passive-aggressive people HATE to be confronted directly. They want you to play along. Ask a PA to explain her remarks, and she'll usually pipe down.

The MIL talking behind your back is another issue. Look at it from your husband's point of view. He has been coping with his mother and their mother-son dynamic for a long time. It's what he knows, and so he's comfortable with it. He doesn't want to rock the boat. You need to explain calmly and rationally how his actions make you feel and how you would like this to change. I would start by telling him that he should not be discussing his marriage and his spousal relationship with his mother. Really, that should be off limits, and he certainly shouldn't discuss spousal disagreements with his mother. BTW, I hope you abide by the same rule and don't complain to or share too much information with your own parents. You both need to lay down some ground rules and stay true to them.

Oh my god this is brilliant! I am so using this on my MIL from now on. I have just started to respond to her comments, calmly and in a confused manner, and she totally does a 180. It's like she can't help but act like a total witch, but the second the spot light is put on it, she immediately back pedals. So weird. That line is perfect to have in my back pocket the next time she starts with the comments that everyone else just ignores.