Does anyone have a genuinely good relationship with their parents?
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Anonymous
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I have a great relationship with my parents and DH is estranged from one, difficult with the other. Here are some differences I see:
In my family there's limited enmeshment. People don't tend to get their feelings hurt by others and there's a live and let live sensibility (whereas DH's life was organized by guilt and being sure people's feelings aren't hurt). We are responsible to one another but we don't do things because we are afraid of hurting someone's feelings. Instead we say "Hey, it's too much for us to travel for the holidays" or "I just can't afford that right now" or "It's important to me that you all be there if you can." (but we understand that people can't). In DH's family we are always trying to navigate our decisions and avoid offending someone. Even something like going out to dinner, his Dad will say "where do you want to go" and we have to play 20 questions until we figure out what he wants. My parents will just say: We'd like "Chinese food" or "Anywhere is fine with us." |
Anonymous
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My husband does! And I have a good relationship with my in-laws. DH talks to his parents almost daily, and we all talk every single weekend. We visit with each other about every other month. We live across the country from each other, so that's a challenge.
I think his parents found the balance of being supportive while letting him be independent very well. They're excellent grandparents - very respectful of our rules and not at all passive-aggressive. They have gotten in fights about who gets to give the baby a bath or put one to bed, etc. |
Anonymous
| It is "good" but not close. There is no animosity, but I don't reveal much to my parents. There's such a large gap in our fundamental ways of thinking that it is much simpler to keep things superficial. I'm not bothered by this. |
Anonymous
| this is 19:45, just to add our relationship is loving and respectful--but we don't talk all the time as some others put it. No judgment on that, just pointing out that not all good relationships look the same. We talked 3-4 times a month when we lived far apart and now that we are closer, we don't really talk on the phone but see each other 3-4 times a month..sometimes less. |
Anonymous
This is me and my parents almost exactly. |
Anonymous
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I do. We talk daily. We don't live nearby so I only see them 3-4 times a year.
I am on good terms with my ex-MIL as well. |
Anonymous
| I am very close with both of my parents, who live half a mile away. My DH and I deliberately chose to move near them 25 years ago. I call my mom every day and see her several times a week, and she helped raise my kids when they were little and was always there for me. I'm very close to my dad, too, but I usually see him in person as opposed to talking with him on the phone (he's 85 and pretty deaf). Love my parents!!! |
Anonymous
| Yes, my husband and I both enjoy our parents, spend time with them (not just on holidays), call them just to talk, etc. All of our parents had that with our grandparents, too. Family estrangement is totally foreign to me. |
Anonymous
+1. I am close like this with my Mom too. We talk every day and I tell her pretty much everything. I hope my daughter and I have that kind of relationship one day. |
Anonymous
Same here. And as we've both grown older, we've become more understanding of each other's flaws as well as our own. |
Anonymous
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I do not. My parents divorced when I was a toddler and each went on to remarry when I was a preteen, and went on to have more children. I felt like an afterthought. Still do. Am leaving their care as they get older to my younger brothers. Yes, I am bitter.
I am very jealous of many people who've posted here. I wish it didn't bother me and that I could be happy for you all. |
Anonymous
| Agree that this is not something you can "ensure" now, but with time it will come so long as there is dependability, honesty, and emotional connection. I have a very close relationship with my parents, who are unfortunately in another country. We pretty much Skype all day on Sundays, just hanging out together (think "I'm bringing you into the laundry room so I can fold the socks") and they are so special. DH on the other hand is from a family that pretends they are close, but aren't. He "talks" to his mother every few weeks, and it's basically her talking about herself. He can't tell her honest things about himself, because she turns it around and makes it about her. Etc, etc, etc. His parents aren't evil or anything, but from what I can tell, the difference between our situations (and that makes all the difference in terms of us having a real, authentic relationship with my family but not his) is dependability, honesty, and emotional connection - really being there for each other, in an authentic, open, plugged in way. Caring for each other more than for indulging your own weaknesses and faults. Sharing emotional times as a group. Building memories that you honor but also rolling with it as things change. |
Anonymous
I'm sorry, PP. I'm one who isnt particularly close to my parents, although the relationship gets better over the years. And I didn't go through anything like you did. 
Therapy helped me. Might help you if you haven't already tried it. I hope you find some peace. |
Anonymous
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I definitely have a good relationship with my parents. I don't talk to my mom as frequently as I like (the 3 hr time difference plus our schedule makes it hard to fit in) but generally call her about once a week. We visit them 1-2 times a year and they come here 1-2 times a year. I enjoy hanging out with my mom and my dad, although my dad isn't one to sit and talk. It's best to interact with him over some kind of project.
They were fairly strict parents when I was growing up, definitely not the kind of parent who wants to be your "friend". I think the key thing is that once we kids became adults, they respect our choices and don't give unsolicited advice. |
Anonymous
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Yep. My parents are awesome people, and although they certainly aren't perfect, I never doubted that I was truly loved and I knew that they would always take care of me. They were affectionate, consistent, and reasonable. They never tried to be my friend--it was clear that they were my parents, and they were in charge, but they weren't arbitrary or dictatorial. That feeling of security and warmth was invaluable. They were quite open in admiring my positive qualities and expressing their pride in my achievements, while proving that they accepted me, warts and all. There was always mutual respect even though we are all very different people. They never tried to live their lives through me or insist that I be someone I wasn't. It was okay to talk about feelings, even if they were negative. They taught me their values, but didn't micromanage my life to make sure that I met their standards--they said that they trusted in their teaching and my own conscience to make good decisions. I remember being so happy that my mom was so relaxed during my wedding planning--she didn't insist on everything being her way, and when she had a request or a preference, she talked about it with me in a totally reasonable manner. She said, "Well, I already had my wedding. This is your wedding." I had had enough friends get married to know that this was not necessarily the norm.
They live on the other side of the country, but we are close. |