Living with a Master Contrarian

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is like this. It is exhausting. But as he has gotten older, he has started to realize what I've been telling him for years. Nobody will bother spending time with someone so exhausting. I also make sure to tell him I will not engage him in contrary discussions. If he wants to disagree with me, that's fine but I don't need to stick around to listen to it. Sometimes I just leave the room.

OP here. Thank you so much for responding! Since you live with him, how do you handle the day to day? How do you make a simple question, just a simple question (without it becoming deflected at you, or becoming WW III)? I am trying to think of specific examples. To be honest, it is kind of numbing - I think becoming numb to it is a coping mechanism for me after all of these decades, sadly.

He is very self centered and inconsiderate. All of these things tie together in a neat package that I would better be able to deliver if I had a psych degree. His charade is predictable and exhausting. His mother acts the same exact way. It's awful. Do you know what causes it? Are they traumatized early on?

I just no longer engage him. I will tell him to stop now or I am leaving the room. If he continues, I leave the room and find something to do (there is always laundry!). He has ADHD and he has gotten MUCH better in the last year since he has been on medication. The ADHD causes him to talk excessively. If I were to engage him, it was like an invitation to continue. He LOVED the dance. I also let other people know- like my mother- to stop engaging him too. My older brother is the exact same way. My son is very intelligent and just loves verbal sparring about anything. It doesn't matter what it is about. He could argue about the shade of the color of something forever and ever IF YOU LET HIM. That's the important part. You do not need to engage in this if you don't want to. It sounds like your DH had a role model for this type of behavior in his mother. My son is just very verbal and enjoys the excitement caused by verbal sparring. I'm an introvert so I need my quiet time. I've found a way to get it by just leaving the room when necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, my DH is like this, though not sure to the same level of your husband. I handle it by agreeing with everything. It takes two to fight. So I remove myself when I see it going down an argumentative path. His ego eventually noticed and then he wanted to be the first one to beat me to making peace.

I also took other approaches:

- Pointing out that he is probably right, I am wrong, I am not seeing the big picture, etc. etc. Eventually he kind of got the picture, realized how self-aborbed he was, and he checked himself a bit more.

- I once had a conversation with him and told him that I don't think he likes me or cares about my opinion since he always seems so..competitive. I didn't show anger, just sadness at not being able to satisfy him. Pull a Scarlett O'Hara on him with a sexy pout and tell him that you want to know how you can stop all the conflict and disagreement. See if that helps, his ego will win and he want to save you. Make sure you look cute when you are doing it.

- I found it helped to allow my DH opportunities to argue about SOMETHING because PP was right it is in their nature. For me, discussions about things we could both argue about helped. Example: asking his opinion about Ray Rice, any controversy, etc. and then letting him argue a point, asking a bunch of questions and letting him get it out

[Anonymous]

BTW - OP I love your thread title. They are indeed Master Contrarians.

[Anonymous]

The old adage " when you find yourself in a tug of war, drop the rope" applies here.

Some ideas for you, OP:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/23/families-engaged-in-tug-of-war-how-to-drop-the-rope/

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=89848

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My adult son loves drama. Going on 10 years now, we can no longer tolerate him. We have asked him not to visit anymore and will not be inviting him to any family gatherings.

There comes a time when enough is enough.

I have a sibling like this - definitely somewhere on the spectrum and better when she's on her meds, but it's insufferable. No conversation goes more than five minutes without shifting to be all about her and her drama (negativity) and always involves an argument or disagreement with the world. I wish others would stop inviting her to functions, but I seem to have the lowest tolerance of anyone.

I have had people who know her from other walks of life - complete strangers to me - actually extend sympathies to me when they find out she's my sister. Not kidding..this has happened a couple of times over the past 15 years.

Despite this going on so long it's as predictable as partisan talking points, I was gobsmacked yet again when I called her two nights ago to share the news my wife and I are expecting our first (why I am on this site), and after saying, "that's nice, I'm glad" she started to launch into her life and drama and brand new grievances she's already nursing against people at a job she just started six weeks ago. OP totally has my sympathies...sis gets it from Dad, who is bad, but not quite as extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The old adage " when you find yourself in a tug of war, drop the rope" applies here.

Some ideas for you, OP:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/08/23/families-engaged-in-tug-of-war-how-to-drop-the-rope/

http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=89848

I'm PP @17:44 and +1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTW - OP I love your thread title. They are indeed Master Contrarians.

Many years experience talking, unfortunately. Isn't it true? OP here. Thanks so much from the supportive PPs who have offered their experience. When you live with them, it can be torture. I am talking about every day things that should not be exhausting, but are: "Oh, there's a parking space!" while DH travels past a few, driving far too fast, and seemingly faster, as you point out the empty spaces in the parking garage. Inevitably, we park furthest from the destination, as some sort of convoluted message ("FU!!!") What did *I* do to prompt such behavior? I will never know, but I know it was not anything I did. I suspect it is genetics (thanks PPs for confirming this - it is definitely DHs mother) and whatever perceived slights before me. He has a great life - he has nothing to bitch about! I want to scream this.

I am trying to think of other examples, usually having to do with the kids. Who are growing, and see the tension. Choices we make for them are on the same page, but then he will suddenly get stuck on something so tiny, and make it HUGE. Of course, then it becomes an issue, when it never should be.

He also has trouble sticking up for the right thing; he has a problem with bullies in his life; he has a problem saying no. Even when he realizes from the beginning, that the other person is 180 degrees off. Triangulating is a past time for him. Again, his mother is (in)famous for this.

I feel like I am taking all of his therapy over the years (it never sticks), piecing it together, and trying to explain as best I can. At least if I feel I am not alone.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree.

I see what you did there.