How did Thanksgiving go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom

wow np here, i could have typed this. exact differences between my mom and mil. it's really difficult to not compare. it's hard not to when you've spent 28 years doing holidays with your family and then see such stark differences with your in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You know, whatever works for a couple. It's not for you to judge. Maybe she hates travel, or (gasp) would prefer not so spend time with your mom, or would rather let her husband do it 1:1 since it means more. Not everyone has to do everything together all the time. Not everyone has to do the dutiful thing all the time.

PP with the sister in law here who stayed put. There's more to the story. She claims that she needed do to this dinner because it would be good 'networking' as the male half of the couple is in some field she's interested in. But she hasn't been able to find a job in 10 years, my brother not only supports her but recently supported her while she went to a top 3 b school, across the country, thinking it would finally help her get employed. Two years out, she is still unemployed because she never makes it past the in person interview. She also doesn't want to have kids until she has her career 'set' and my brother is now pushing 45 and desperately wants kids (she is late 30s). The travel to my mom's is a 2 hour car drive for one meal, back that same night. Meanwhile, my brother used all of his vacation to travel with her and her parents this past year--he spent 2 weeks this fall and 2 weeks last spring traveling with her and her parents internationally, and she refused to come to one meal at my mom's because she claimed it would be good networking. I am mad not about the meal because my brother is deeply unhappy, but can't really face what a disaster his marriage is. This is just one example.

Your explanation actually makes her actions seem reasonable to me. She's been unemployed for years! I actually hope the dinner benefits her.

[Anonymous]

We managed to monitor my sister's alcohol consumption and successfully hide the remaining bottles so that she didn't drive home drunk. Success !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom

Seriously, 1st PP, you sound like a complete nightmare. So your Mom was Martha Stewart. I bet she had other flaws; you sound awfully immature or sheltered to have such an idealized view of your mother. Even Martha had to do a stretch in the pen. I bet your Mom kicks puppies and small children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god. Feeling slightly less dysfunctional now. I ran off with husband and kids for a family retreat rather than deal with my toxic mother, evil step-sisters, screwed up brothers, and step-father who treats me like an intruder. My in-laws are much better but DH needed a break from them. I like to be with just my husband and our six kids on holidays sometimes. The in-laws don't take offense to this but my mother has a meltdown every time we don't spend a holiday with her. It makes me dread holidays. Before reading these posts i thought i was some kind of freak because of this. Now i just feel ... Boring. Hugs to all of you DCUM people who don't have perfect lives!!

[Anonymous]

Well...I feel justified in not seeing my family again for at least six months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This year my best friend and her husband and kids came out from the midwest and stayed with us and T day was awesome!! 5 kids (4 of them boys) ranging from 2-16 made it loud and chaotic, but not dealing with parents, in laws, sibling issues, etc, made it awesome!!!

otoh, my brother's wife decided that she wasn't going to my mom's with her husband (my brother) but staying put and having thanksgiving with another couple who had invited them. My brother had declined the invite, since he was going to my mom's (who is widowed, I would have gone but she lives on the west coast), but his wife decided to go on her own. They have a very odd marriage.

Please. You SIL may want to stay in her own home and relax. She is allowed to do what she wants and if your brother is OK with it who are you to judge. I have a feeling you like to stir up drama.

[Anonymous]

I typed out a really long response and erased it. We are going away next year and both of our families live locally. Let's let that speak for itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom

wow np here, i could have typed this. exact differences between my mom and mil. it's really difficult to not compare. it's hard not to when you've spent 28 years doing holidays with your family and then see such stark differences with your in laws.

+2

It is inevitable that comparison might happen. Especially if MIL only works p/t, if at all. My mom was not perfect, but she was never so easily overwhelmed. It is frightening to be around people who are, because it makes you think that there is reason to be; even if you (yourself) are smart enough to know otherwise. Being surrounded by easily overwhelmed people is no fun

[Anonymous]

It was much less tension filled without MIL, for some reason. She has some sort of negative influence - negative aura, too! It was more fun without her.

I am not saying this to be mean, I am just trying to figure out what is so negative about her energy that changes the atmosphere so much. She is depressed, but I don't think it is that?

[Anonymous]

Much better than expected. Nasty, racist FIL surprisingly just sat there staring at the TV while everyone else drank wine. A series of small strokes will do that to you. Now if we can just get past Christmas Day, we're good to go for another year!

[Anonymous]

Stayed home for first time ever. Today found out that my mil was not ok with this and is planning on making us pay for this forever. Want to never have a holiday outside of my home again.

Why can't parents let their middle aged children be adults?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe how hard my mom worked when she hosted every single holiday (about five times per year, twelve if you count birthdays) for 40+ years. She worked full time, often overtime. She made everything by hand, lovingly. She made a beautiful house. We had tons of people every holiday, without fail. In the summers, we hosted huge cook outs in our huge yard. Everyone RAVED about her cooking and the get togethers. To this day, people mention her homemade (everything) to me. Actually, the company was amazing, too.

MIL, OTOH, is the worst model in this regard. Since this is anonymous. She gets overwhelmed so easily, never serves enough food, and barely pulls off one or two meals per year. She has been this way since I have known her, not just in her old age. It stresses everyone out. We all try to contribute as much as possible, because she insists on hosting - yet it is so clear she hates it. She maybe talks to one person all day.

I am trying to learn to like the holidays again.

Do your mil a favor and stop comparing her to your supermom

wow np here, i could have typed this. exact differences between my mom and mil. it's really difficult to not compare. it's hard not to when you've spent 28 years doing holidays with your family and then see such stark differences with your in laws.

+2

It is inevitable that comparison might happen. Especially if MIL only works p/t, if at all. My mom was not perfect, but she was never so easily overwhelmed. It is frightening to be around people who are, because it makes you think that there is reason to be; even if you (yourself) are smart enough to know otherwise. Being surrounded by easily overwhelmed people is no fun

If everyone (MIL!) could throw a party as equally well as your mom than your mom's hostess skills wouldn't be terribly noteworthy or special. Is that what you're saying? I hope not. Personally, I consider entertaining to be a talent just like singing or painting is a talent. Not everyone has the knack but that's o.k.

[Anonymous]

So awful. I still feel heartbroken about it. The tension between my husband, who I love although have struggled with over the course of our marriage, and my mother, who has always been a huge supporter of me and is really my best friend and who I have leaned on way too much, came to a huge pinnacle of awful and ruined the holiday for everyone. My toddler was just atrocious and there was nonstop conflict over how he should be disciplined. I was caught in the middle of every fight and came away with everyone furious with me. I never ever want to do it again and am now worried I am going to lose my relationship and my kids' relationships with my parents. So exhausting.