Grandparental rights, expectations, etc

[Anonymous]

Grandparents can be a great factor or an unhealthy one for your family. Set rules help when dealing with the difficult ones.

[Anonymous]

Rights for grandparents vary from state to state, legally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If grandparents are loving and nuturing, please let t BBC em see grandchildren because you sound like the DIL and daughter from hell.

I'm excited for my child to have grandparents, but because I didn't it's new to me. I was just curious about why people say you shouldn't "deny access" as if that relationship is a bargaining chip. I also wondered if grandparents feel they have a right to grandchildren and why. But, if you'll read again, you'll see my parents and my partner's parents are both already happily involved. I'm being cerebral and philosophical on this board, but I'm far from hellish. After reading some of the other stories on this board, I think you may be predisposed to seeing the hellish in these questions.

[Anonymous]

^ that I hope all grandparents will be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents can be a great factor or an unhealthy one for your family. Set rules help when dealing with the difficult ones.

+1

We grew up surrounded by extended family. There were always loving, caring, warm, extended family visitors in our house, constantly. Everyone got along well, and took care of each other. There was always talking, music and laughter. It is definitely not what anyone would describe as quiet.

Fast forward to our children; who sadly, will never know the type of family I grew up with. My family is long distance. MIL lives down the street, and only wants bragging rights. It's depressing if I think about it too much. She's a pouter - if we didn't want her in the hospital during birth taking pics of my vajayjay - big time pouting ensued. She doesn't like boundaries, and everything is about her, and a personal affront. Night. Mare.

OP, if your family, or DH's family wants to be involved, let them - to the extent you are comfortable. It is your turn to mother in the best way you see fit. If they are helpful, warm, loving and accepting - you hit the jackpot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In Maryland grandparents can file for reasonable visitation. The court, as always, determines visitation based on what's in the best interest of the child.

All people, especially kids, benefit from healthy, close emotional ties with others, including grandparents. I would try my hardest to foster healthy relationships. If that weren't possible, I'd limit contact.

Does this mean they can prevent you from moving away? This sounds ridiculous. What if they were abusive but you never reported it and you want to keep your kids away? What right does the court have to compel you to have your kids see anyone except legal guardians???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In Virginia, a grandparent has no rights whatsoever unless the grandchild is being abused or neglected and a Virginia court decides to confer rights. Grandparents have tried to litigate the issue and none has ever won.

Props to you on the good grammar. Seriously!

Seriously question: grammar or spelling? It's still pronounced "no one," right? And isn't "no one" just as legit to write?

None is pronounced nun. In this context I think it would actually be more correct to say "none" is equivalent to "not one," as opposed to no one, but in general it can replace either. I think the good grammar PP was noting that the first poster correctly used a singular verb (has), where many would use have.

[Anonymous]

One would think that you would want to include grandparents in the life of a child, so that there wouldn't have to be a question about rights.

I find it strange on DCUM that there are people who seem to have good relationships with their parents, yet won't trust them with their children.

You decide who sees your child in the end and if you manage it well, no one needs to talk about rights.

[Anonymous]

So many great responses here! I grew up with many living grandparents (multiple generations, remarriages, etc.) located near to me and providing some child care. I am not close to any of them. I don't dislike them, I just ... don't really care. So it was hard for me to understand or sympathize with people who went on about fostering the grandparent relationship. Then I had my own kid and I adore seeing my DD with my own parents: my heart just bursts seeing them have fun together. I don't feel exactly the same way about my ILs -- there's baggage there and MIL does that possessive "my baby" act which really puts my hackles up -- but they are loving and generous and DD has a great time with them too. It makes everybody happy.

Also, as a PP said, free help is a life-saver and will cause parents to forgive a lot of grandparent quirks.

I think a lot of the conflict comes out of people (mostly grandparents, IME) phrasing the issue as one of rights and access. Most of conflicts I've had regarding "access" by DD's grandparents involved their putting pressure on our schedule, trying to make their priorities into ours. DH and I work, and we'd like to spend time with DD too; we have chores and errands; DD has a nap and bedtime schedule. The perfect holiday dinner, or family photo, or visit with Great Aunt Tilda who's only in town for a day, is just not our priority in the limited time we have. But when grandparents meet us halfway -- or more than halfway -- there's no problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In Virginia, a grandparent has no rights whatsoever unless the grandchild is being abused or neglected and a Virginia court decides to confer rights. Grandparents have tried to litigate the issue and none has ever won.

Props to you on the good grammar. Seriously!

Seriously question: grammar or spelling? It's still pronounced "no one," right? And isn't "no one" just as legit to write?

None is pronounced nun. In this context I think it would actually be more correct to say "none" is equivalent to "not one," as opposed to no one, but in general it can replace either. I think the good grammar PP was noting that the first poster correctly used a singular verb (has), where many would use have.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents can be a great factor or an unhealthy one for your family. Set rules help when dealing with the difficult ones.

+1

We grew up surrounded by extended family. There were always loving, caring, warm, extended family visitors in our house, constantly. Everyone got along well, and took care of each other. There was always talking, music and laughter. It is definitely not what anyone would describe as quiet.

Fast forward to our children; who sadly, will never know the type of family I grew up with. My family is long distance. MIL lives down the street, and only wants bragging rights. It's depressing if I think about it too much. She's a pouter - if we didn't want her in the hospital during birth taking pics of my vajayjay - big time pouting ensued. She doesn't like boundaries, and everything is about her, and a personal affront. Night. Mare.

OP, if your family, or DH's family wants to be involved, let them - to the extent you are comfortable. It is your turn to mother in the best way you see fit. If they are helpful, warm, loving and accepting - you hit the jackpot.

PP here. I need to add, DH's family is the opposite, and they are the ones that live close

OP, if they want to see the baby, just tell them what works for you. Hopefully they are reasonable people and don't take everything as a personal affront, like my DH's family.

[Anonymous]

I believe the grandparents only get to see your children as you allow. Some people have great relationships with their parents and some don't. It's all about what you as the parent are comfortable with. I agree the word access seems like a bargaining chip, which children should not be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had huge misgivings about my MIL (the only grandparent my child effectively has) before my child was born. Afterwards, I realized two things: free help is AWESOME; and more importantly, it's awesome to have someone who loves your child even a fraction as much as you do. That ended up cancelling out a lot of the negatives about MIL. Also, life can just get a little boring and small when you first have a - to the extent that grandma coming over for dinner is actually a welcome change!

I didn't have huge misgivings, just periodic annoyances. But, I had the same experience - there is nothing like having people around who love your child. And, now that my kids are older (MS and HS), it is wonderful to see just how caring and loving they are to my MIL. Kids really changed the relationship between me and my MIL, even though it bad to start with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In Maryland grandparents can file for reasonable visitation. The court, as always, determines visitation based on what's in the best interest of the child.

All people, especially kids, benefit from healthy, close emotional ties with others, including grandparents. I would try my hardest to foster healthy relationships. If that weren't possible, I'd limit contact.

Does this mean they can prevent you from moving away? This sounds ridiculous. What if they were abusive but you never reported it and you want to keep your kids away? What right does the court have to compel you to have your kids see anyone except legal guardians???

Anyone other than the parents is a third party or legal stranger to the child. Anyone can file and try to get visitation. In most cases, the third parties won't have a change given an intact marriage or competent parents. "Grandparents rights" don't exist in the United States. They certainly don't exist in Md. Anyone can sue anyone for anything. Troxel vs. Granville was a case that went to the supreme court and upheld the notion that parents have the right to manage who has access to their children. Some states, like Ny and Pa, are considered to be more grandparent friendly and have been known to award gparents visitation. Most other states will not given an intact marriage.
Even if gparents get visitation, I've never heard of the courts going after a parent who moves away with the children.

[Anonymous]

You are showing, modeling the concept of love for your children to see. And not just love for them -they aren't always the center of the universe- but love as a constant in the larger world. You are showing them that love endures. This is very comforting, and helps with their self-acceptance - that love is not fleeting. When you love people, you try to keep them in your life. When you love people you want to share them with others. Now, there will be people you especially love mixed-in with those who are not your favorites. But unless they are evil, you endure. Family is about acceptance. Acceptance is love.