At What Age is it Appropriate to Start to Talk about Dieting? (12 YO DS)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a fail not to talk about dieting with overweight teens which your son is going to be very soon.

Yes, a kid like your son is going to need to actually diet to get to a normal weight. I would stress the point isn't to be thin but it is to be the appropriate weight range for his height.

Who is to say what is "normal" for this kid? If he's eating right, being active, generally healthy, he will grow into the body that he is genetically meant to have. That may not be exactly at the 50th percentile.

My 10yr old has always been over 95th percentile in height and weight. I'm sure some would be appalled that a 10 yr old girl is over 100 lbs but her pediatrician assures me she's fine -- she's tall, strong, all muscle, and seems to have a high level of bone density (even as a baby people would be shocked at her weight when they picked her up, even despite being big, she's a lot heavier than she looks). She has tracked right on her growth curve since babyhood and that's a better gauge of what's right for her than some arbitrary chart.

[Anonymous]

Kids chunk up before they have growth spurts. My DS was a little chunky at 12. Then he grew and now in his mid-teens he's very skinny.

Don't say anything. This is your issue, not his. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Also boys can develop eating disorders. Don't make food an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 12 YO DS is overweight. It isnt really a surprise, that kind of runs in DH's family, to have tall, 'big' men. He is otherwise healthy, and active playing baseball and football, and overall not being the 12 year old that just stares at the screen all day. We eat together every dinner and breakfast, and I try to cook fairly healthy meals for both, but I wouldn't describe my meals as being 'diet' really.

Lately me and DH have been arguing over whether we should talk to DS about him going on a diet to try and control his weight. DH says that DS has no major health problems, and is active/eats fairly healthy so we should just wait and see. I think that we need to nip it in the bud before he gets to high school and gets so much busier.

What are you trying to nip in the bud exactly? You admit that his behavior is healthy, he's active and eats well. If you want him to eat better, cook him better food. A diet, christ, really? Are you trying to give him an eating disorder? Has he even hit puberty yet?

+1 If he's active, healthy, and eating a balanced diet, he's fine. Yes, he may end up on the higher end of the scale but that might just be normal for his genetic make up. Some people really are just going to be bigger. I strongly encourage you to read "Your Child's Weight: Helping Without Harming" by Ellyn Satter.

Also, it is extremely normal for preteens to get a bit pudgy as they put on weight in preparation for the puberty growth spurt. You really can't know what body he'll end up with after puberty but encouraging "dieting" will likely lead to worse outcomes.

+2 OP, you need to take responsibility for this. You admit the meals you cook aren't that healthy. You need to set the example and prepare healthy meals, provide healthy snacks and eliminate crappy for options.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with all the posters recommending a talk. At this age you do, lead by example, not talk so much. Improve the food in the house, start an after dinner walk or weekend hike, get a dog that needs walking, start walking places instead of driving, buy everyone a Fitbit and see who can get the most steps in. Talking about a diet will do nothing but set them up for crazy good issues.

[Anonymous]

I'd want to know the BMI before offering any advice - too many weight-obsessed women on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

When I was 5, my parents started talking to me about 'dieting.' This continues through the present day. My younger brother was present for much of the conversations with me and certainly knew that my parents didn't want me to be overweight; I don't remember their directing any comments at him, however. We didn't discuss healthy choices, but we had very few sweets in our home, relatively few carbs, and a great number of items marked "diet" (including Diet Koolaid purchased when I was 8, as a 'special treat' along with the Diet 7-Up that was a special treat for us once a week starting when I was 6).

I nearly died from anorexia and bulimia, onset when I was 16 and significant challenges requiring hospitalization up through age 20: I am now healthy but still struggle against disordered thinking about food and weight and still believe I am obese (I am 5'5 and weigh around 120 pounds). My brother struggled with anorexia and has passed out and been in the ER more than once from overexertion and dieting. He is also a functional alcoholic (a challenge that many who struggle with food and body issues confront). He is probably 6 feet tall and weighs around 150, I would imagine.

Today, my brother and I are both nearly 50. I have spent years in therapy trying to work through and understand what could have motivated my parents to emphasize "dieting" so much and to understand as well the impact on me. I've tried -- HARD -- to stop hearing their voices about my weight and to reframe the narrative. It's difficult, especially when so many cultural messages reinforce the importance of being 'thin' (not necessarily healthy). As an aside and for what it's worth, neither my brother nor I was or ever has been overweight with the single exception of when I was in college (having recovered from bulimia) and gained a good bit of weight. Even then, at my highest weight, I was probably 140 pounds at 5'5 (and was also not in shape, so the pounds weren't 'muscle.').

Given all this, while I don't know why my parents were so concerned about my weight when I was a child, I can tell you that the memories of my parents talking critically about dieting and the need to lose weight outweighs nearly all others from my childhood.

OP, I know you want the best for your son and I know your situation differs from my own in multiple ways. I have shared all this, though, not only for you but for other parents who are tempted to talk about dieting and weight with children -- please, please don't do it. If it's truly a medical concern, let the pediatrician help your child. You can provide an atmosphere of healthy choices and you can remove unhealthy options and model great behavior.

Please remember, too, that even if you think your son can't 'hear' your conversations with your spouse (and remember that their hearing is better than our own so when you think you're whispering or they're asleep -- think again) -- even if he can't 'hear' such conversations he can 'feel' the negative energy around body issues and weight and food and it can create toxicity. If you have a daughter, she'll feel it too, but remember: food issues and preoccupation aren't exclusively female issues. My brother's a severe example but gyms (and at the other extreme bars) are filled with men who are hurting themselves physically and psychologically because of warped food issues.

Sorry for posting at such length, OP. I know the situation I've described is extreme, but perhaps it can help even one family to think through the implications of talking about 'dieting' with their children.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: 10 yr old girl is over 100 lbs

Whoa. How tall? What's the BMI? I have a 100+ lbs 9-yo and he's absolutely obese.

[Anonymous]

Do not talk to him----he seems fine...

[Anonymous]

I also have a 100lb 10yo, and I believe his BMI qualifies as obese. He also happens to be just over 5ft tall (more than 100 percentile for height), so it's not screamingly obvious. His peds haven't been overly anxious about it, in part because he has always been super tall and still has a lot of growing to do. And he is officially in the earliest phase of puberty which as PPs said correlates to some pudge.

All that said: I went from trying to be very subtle about portion size etc to being much more confrontational - I will prevent him from having a 100 calorie granola bar if it's just before dinner for example. However, we don't say fat and we don't you need to lose weight; we only talk about being healthy and giving your body the best fuel. We are getting a nutritionist and actively working on healthier eating; my younger child would eat fruits and veggies all day long but the 10yo is a total carboholic.

We also have insisted on some kind of sports activity (my son unfortunately just isn't that interested, so it has to be a mandate.) I wish there were gyms for younger kids or that we had enough room for an elliptical - he loves those machines and probably would be willing to do that regularly.

So if the OP is still listening, all I can say is that you're not alone, and it's a sensitive issue to navigate. My son is still young and dorky enough to be only mildly aware of his physical appearance. I want to help him get healthier without making him overly anxious his appearance or his general sense of himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have a 100lb 10yo, and I believe his BMI qualifies as obese. He also happens to be just over 5ft tall (more than 100 percentile for height), so it's not screamingly obvious. His peds haven't been overly anxious about it, in part because he has always been super tall and still has a lot of growing to do. And he is officially in the earliest phase of puberty which as PPs said correlates to some pudge.

All that said: I went from trying to be very subtle about portion size etc to being much more confrontational - I will prevent him from having a 100 calorie granola bar if it's just before dinner for example. However, we don't say fat and we don't you need to lose weight; we only talk about being healthy and giving your body the best fuel. We are getting a nutritionist and actively working on healthier eating; my younger child would eat fruits and veggies all day long but the 10yo is a total carboholic.

We also have insisted on some kind of sports activity (my son unfortunately just isn't that interested, so it has to be a mandate.) I wish there were gyms for younger kids or that we had enough room for an elliptical - he loves those machines and probably would be willing to do that regularly.

So if the OP is still listening, all I can say is that you're not alone, and it's a sensitive issue to navigate. My son is still young and dorky enough to be only mildly aware of his physical appearance. I want to help him get healthier without making him overly anxious his appearance or his general sense of himself.

How is 5ft tall & 100lbs obese???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have a 100lb 10yo, and I believe his BMI qualifies as obese. He also happens to be just over 5ft tall (more than 100 percentile for height), so it's not screamingly obvious. His peds haven't been overly anxious about it, in part because he has always been super tall and still has a lot of growing to do. And he is officially in the earliest phase of puberty which as PPs said correlates to some pudge.

All that said: I went from trying to be very subtle about portion size etc to being much more confrontational - I will prevent him from having a 100 calorie granola bar if it's just before dinner for example. However, we don't say fat and we don't you need to lose weight; we only talk about being healthy and giving your body the best fuel. We are getting a nutritionist and actively working on healthier eating; my younger child would eat fruits and veggies all day long but the 10yo is a total carboholic.

We also have insisted on some kind of sports activity (my son unfortunately just isn't that interested, so it has to be a mandate.) I wish there were gyms for younger kids or that we had enough room for an elliptical - he loves those machines and probably would be willing to do that regularly.

So if the OP is still listening, all I can say is that you're not alone, and it's a sensitive issue to navigate. My son is still young and dorky enough to be only mildly aware of his physical appearance. I want to help him get healthier without making him overly anxious his appearance or his general sense of himself.

You are sick, I'm sorry. In no way is a child who is 5 feet tall and 100 pounds "obese". Not even overweight. Please, please read the post from the woman who had an eating disorder. You will really screw your son up, if you haven't already. PLus before his growth spurt he will gain weight. Its normal.

Your post is extremely troubling. Honestly, I think you need to see a therapist before your distorted sense of your DS causes him life long problems.

[Anonymous]

I just plugged 5' and 100 lbs into a BMI calculator for boys and it came back "healthy weight."

PP you need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just plugged 5' and 100 lbs into a BMI calculator for boys and it came back "healthy weight."

PP you need help.

+1 I'm the PP w/ a 100+ lb 10 yr old. She's also about 5' and nobody looking at her would call her obese. She's not a stick but she looks strong and healthy and will likely grow into a "statuesque" woman, based on my MIL who she takes after.

FWIW, I have very little faith in BMI calculators. I'm about 5'6" and as an adult have had my weight as low a 155 and as high as 185. Only the 155 put me in the "healthy" range but I have only been that weight either 1) in college when I was biking a LOT, to/from school in a hilly town plus lots of long distance rides or 2) in a job where I regularly worked 60+ hrs per week, was on my feet a lot and ate a lot of crap. Personally, I feel about 165 is my ideal weight - what I weighed when I got married. I felt beautiful, could maintain it with healthy eating, occasional treats, and regular exercise so life felt healthy and balanced. However, on BMI calculators 165 is considered "overweight" for my height. Ridiculous. I'm a better judge of what is a healthy weight for me. Mostly my weight now is about 172, a bit heavy IMO but not too bad and with two young kids and a FT job making time to get to the gym several times a week isn't a priority right now, esp. since my physicals show that all my important numbers are great (blood pressure, heart rate, blood chemistry).

[Anonymous]

Hugs to the PP who shared her story about growing up in a diet-obsessed household. Your post should be required reading for every parent.