For those who have a healthy, normal relationship with their mothers in adulthood...

[Anonymous]

Not sure how to describe our relationship. My mother has quirks, some things about her annoy the heck out me, but she is a decent human being overall. I don't have any older friends, but I'd be glad to have someone like her but not related to me in my life. I'm sure I'm not a piece of cake all day every day, but we get along by forgiving and accepting.

My dad is a different story. Some things about him rub me the wrong way. We have no relationship to speak of, although we never officially faught it out or anything. He's absent for a lot of reasons. In a way, I'm glad he is. He may be a victim of circumstances, but he is an extremely difficult person to deal with. A lot worse than your mom sounds.

[Anonymous]

Accept your mother as she is. You can't change her. She can't even change herself probably without professional help, and she's probably set in her ways. As a person with anxiety, I can tell you that it's a powerful force to deal with. You are complaining about dealing with her. Imagine how difficult it is for her to be the one dealing with her own issues. If anyone has a right to complain, it is she. Gently guide her and try to be understanding instead of acting like you are better than her and like you don't have the time to put up with it. What did she go through in her life that caused her to be how she is? Try to have some empathy. She raised you and deserves some respect despite some flaws. I'm sure you have your own flaws. Oh, and I have a healthy relationship with my own mother and wish I lived closer to her.

[Anonymous]

Tell her to stop reading the news. It is known to cause more anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I have a healthy relationship with my mother that has grown stronger since I became a mother, but I don't know that she is someone I would hang out with if she wasn't my mom. She is wonderful and was such a good mom to us growing up as kids, but she is also a lot to deal with! She clearly has ADD and is on the go all the time. I mean when she comes to visit I have to plan a list of tasks because she will have done more before 9 am than I normally accomplish in an entire weekend and will be bored / antsy (and highly annoying). She is simultaneously very self-absorbed and not at all self-aware, which is an interesting combo. She talks to everyone, everywhere, all the time. She gets bored with just me/DH/DD and wants us to invite friends, neighbors, anyone really over. She acts at least 20 years younger than her actual age. When she leaves we all need a nap. But, we love her - crazy quirks and all. Do I wish she was the kind of mom that I could call and ask for advice without her either getting distracted or turning it into something about her? Yes. But she isn't, and I have to accept that. I don't think you have to be BFFs with your mom to have a normal, healthy relationship, but if that's what you're hoping for, you might be setting the bar too high. Try to accept your mom for who she is and find some common ground. Once you do, try to focus your interactions on that commonality as much as possible. Maybe you'll start to feel more bonded to her and it will be easier to handle some of her crazy sh*t.

This could be my sibling's description of our mother! Not mine, though - our personalities clash much more, and I don't really have a good relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

I really enjoy my parents and spending time with them. They're a little, umm, quirky, and more so as they age but they're people I enjoy speaking to. We don't see the world in the same way but that's OK.
My mom has become more and more conservative as she's aged and has gone from a registered Dem, to an Indpendent, to a Rep, to a Tea Partier though I'm not really sure her heart's in it. My mother called all five of her children and proudly proclaimed she was a Tea Bagger and I was the only one brave enough to tell her not to use that term and why. Now she just laughs and says she joined the Tea Party and leaves the bagger out of it. Lol.

My mom's funny, social and adventurous and always has a full calender. She volunteers several days a week, belongs to several committees, and plays Bunco with housewives half her age. Her church friends are all older than she is and they aren't lively enough for her.

My mom drives me crazy when it comes to things like her health. She smoked for 50 years, has type 2 diabetes and is really overweight. She once told me she weighed 260 so I figure it's closer to 300. She's had 5 small heart attacks over the last 20 years, several angioplasties, and recently was suffering from congestive heart failure, all of which she has either lied about, asked a child to lie about or brushed under the rug. She swore me to secrecy with the first two heart attacks because she was afraid my sister wouldn't let her watch the new baby if she knew about them. I was a teenager so I went with it. She is also accident prone and seems to fall or walk into things and break her toes fairly often. In the last five years she's broken probably a dozen bones including one fall where she broke both arms.

She was also the woman who took care of all 5 of us, alone, when we all got chicken pox. 5 kids ranging from ages 5-15 and they all had the pox and she was supposed to be using that time to prepare to move house because my dad started a new job 1500 miles away. When we all recovered we did a 10 day road trip to visit family, friends, and areas my mother hadn't seen in the five years. I remember much of that trip vividly as my mom would do a deep southern accent when asking for directions because it embarrassed my teen aged siblings and it made the younger 3 kids laugh.

My mom is always supportive and gives great, grounded, advice even when it's not what you want to hear.

It's nice because my mom's not necessarily the type of person I'd choose to be my friend but I'm so glad that during my adulthood we've been able to become friends. She wasn't my friend growing up and I really think that's part of the secret to our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Accept your mother as she is. You can't change her. She can't even change herself probably without professional help, and she's probably set in her ways. As a person with anxiety, I can tell you that it's a powerful force to deal with. You are complaining about dealing with her. Imagine how difficult it is for her to be the one dealing with her own issues.

This. Learn to ignore the irrational, annoying stuff. Let her anxieties roll off your back. Try to redirect conversations to happier topics : family friends and relatives, the grandkids, vacation memories, etc. I love my mom and we have a very good relationship but I just ignore some of the crazier things she says about current events. I just let her vent for a little, then change the subject. Once in a while we discuss these topics seriously and exchange opinions, but it would be exhausting for me to try to talk seriously about every wacky fear she has.

[Anonymous]

I love my Mom but it's very hard to have a friendship style adult relationship with her. Growing up she was the crafty fun child centered Mom. She forgets that I am an adult now and is forever offering unsolicited advice, to the point where I can't tell her anything without her offering her 2 cents. Still, I know she will be there if I ever needed her, she will defend me to the core and ultimately wants me to succeed in life. I must admit that I am jealous of my coworkers relationship with her same age daughter. They are quite close and can easily talk/hang out.

[Anonymous]

I tried with my mother as an adult, but she only cares to talk about things she is interested in, and is not interested in me as a person. It can't be a friendship if only one person is talking about themselves all the time. If I try to talk about my feelings and get cut off with"I don't care. How's (grandchild)?"

That exchange above was the first nail in the coffin. The last was when my 40th birthday was given lip service (back in January), but how I kept having to hear about everyone not forgetting her birthday in August at each grandchild's birthday party (Grandma wants a party too! Don't forget, it's in August!); and seeing a present for my brother's birthday in June on her bed--so he rates a present but I don't?

Haven't spoken with her since an awkward weekend at her house with the kids about a month ago. I can't say that I miss "talking" with her. I do wish I had a mother that cared about me, but I can't change her. It is still painful, though.

So glad my slightly overbearing MIL has claimed Thanksgiving this year and I won't have to see her.

[Anonymous]

I also love and like my mom.She is very bright person and much wiser then me in many things.I dislike some things in her character but that's normal,I feel the same about my DH as well though I love him to pieces.Another thing which makes me very happy that my mom and DH get along very well,they actually have similar tastes even in food))

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a mom who has some mental health issues (anxiety among them). I'm at a point in life where I'm really struggling myself, and I have so little capacity to deal with her ongoing crap. I feel guilty but at the same time I'm at a loss myself. I'm tired of being the dutiful daughter. I wish I had a mom I could talk to.

[Anonymous]

I think you take the good with the bad. My mom and I grew up in completely different worlds/times so some things she'll never understand. But I accept that and love her for what she is - a compassionate, kind, trusted woman with integrity who has always been there for me. when I think about it that way, I feel lucky. Friends/spouse/I etc make up for what's missing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you take the good with the bad. My mom and I grew up in completely different worlds/times so some things she'll never understand. But I accept that and love her for what she is - a compassionate, kind, trusted woman with integrity who has always been there for me. when I think about it that way, I feel lucky. Friends/spouse/I etc make up for what's missing

but what if there isn't any good?

[Anonymous]

I don't even know what a normal relationship with her would be.

Your statement below reveals the problem.

her unsolicited advice

It is a very common problem. Once children are independent adults, parents would be better off
with a relationship more similar to friendship. Friends usually do not give unsolicited advice. If
I wouldn't say it to a friend, I don't say it to my adult children. I don't comment on their style
or manners or beliefs or personal life. It would be rude. I have to remind myself of this all the
time - but I really think this is the key.

Unfortunately you won't be able, at her age, to change your mom.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting topic. I would never say that my mom is my best friend, but I do like and respect her. She is 40 years older than me and is very religious, which I am not, but I respect her views and generally enjoy talking to her. I would love to be closer -- more friend-like -- with my own kids when they grow up, so I am thinking of your question from two sides: i.e. what can I do over the coming decades so that I can remain close with my own kids?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do have a healthy and loving relationship with my mother -- and I do think she is someone I would be friends with (if she wasn't my mother, obviously) if I met her at work. She's fun, funny, respectful and very supportive. And she's a hoot as a grandmother!

You know what I have discovered as an adult? It is the luck of the draw and nothing more. I just got lucky. My best friend has a horrid, self-centered, self-martering mother who no one would want to have anything to do with including her children if they had a real choice. My husband's mother is drunk most of the time and although he loves and worries about her, no one can have a real relationship with a drunk.