Is this emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's emotional abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friends 9 th grade boyfriend drove his car onto a wall after she broke up with him. Her 10th grade boyfriend followed her around saying stuff like," I need you, I can't live without you" after she broke up,with him. They got back together and are married ( at least as recently as 8 years ago were still together, but she did not seem happy) high school was 22 years ago.

Great story, bro.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.

Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

[Anonymous]

Yes. My older DD had a friend who did this.

[Anonymous]

It's emotional blackmail. That's inherently abusive.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is abuse. Even if the abuser is a "hystrionic teenager," the effect is the same. Emotionally healthy teenagers do not threaten to kill themselves as a result of someone else's actions.

A quick Google search turned up this from the counseling services center at U Illinois Urbana-Champagne:

"What is Emotional Abuse?

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased."

I would have to believe that this kind of threat is manipulation intended to strike fear in your daughter - i.e. "you would be responsible for my death."

Minimizing this as just childhood antics is hurtful and the reason your daughter shut down. She was trying to tell you how she felt and instead of sympathy you interrogated her. Do you really want your daughter to feel like it is normal for people to manipulate her this way, ESPECIALLY in intimate relationships? Try again, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again, thanks for the additional replies. I didn't not give sympathy when she told me. Instead, I was asking followup questions trying to get more information and that is when she shut down.
And the more I've thought about it, it may well have been emotional abuse. Especially if she really wanted to break up with him but didn't because of his threats.

but ... she DID break up with him. Despite his (empty) threat. It sounds like they're both dramatic. Maybe they deserve each other.

You do realize we are talking about teenagers here, right? KIDS who do not yet have the experience or maturity to navigate relationships like adults. You are a fucking CUNT, PP. What a terrible thing to say about a kid.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's emotionally abusive.

Here's how you get it to stop:

You call his parents and the school and tell them that the boy threatened to commit suicide because your daughter broke up with him. They will deal with it. If he was being dramatic, he won't do it again. If he was serious, he will get the help that he needs.

Male suicide threats can turn into murder-suicide/shooter scenarios. If you aren't sure if a kid is serious, take it seriously and tell the proper people to deal with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.
Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

No, I don't think so. Threatening suicide is not "typical" behavior for anyone of any age. Amazing how so many of you can so easily minimize this kind of behavior when there is a ton of research into mental illness demonstrating that it manifests itself in the teen years and early 20's. Do we know for sure that OP's daughters ex-boyfriend is really suicidal? No. Does it matter? No. The bottom line is that these threats upset OP's daughter, and that should be OP's concern. There's a saying that perception is reality. If OP's DD's reality is that this situation caused her distress, that's her reality and it shouldn't be minimized or trivialized.

Some of you are going to up a shit creek when your kids reach teenage years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.
Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

No, I don't think so. Threatening suicide is not "typical" behavior for anyone of any age. Amazing how so many of you can so easily minimize this kind of behavior when there is a ton of research into mental illness demonstrating that it manifests itself in the teen years and early 20's. Do we know for sure that OP's daughters ex-boyfriend is really suicidal? No. Does it matter? No. The bottom line is that these threats upset OP's daughter, and that should be OP's concern. There's a saying that perception is reality. If OP's DD's reality is that this situation caused her distress, that's her reality and it shouldn't be minimized or trivialized.

Some of you are going to up a shit creek when your kids reach teenage years.

A kid can say "If you break up with me I'm going to kill myself" and that's not a "suicide threat." Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.
Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

No, I don't think so. Threatening suicide is not "typical" behavior for anyone of any age. Amazing how so many of you can so easily minimize this kind of behavior when there is a ton of research into mental illness demonstrating that it manifests itself in the teen years and early 20's. Do we know for sure that OP's daughters ex-boyfriend is really suicidal? No. Does it matter? No. The bottom line is that these threats upset OP's daughter, and that should be OP's concern. There's a saying that perception is reality. If OP's DD's reality is that this situation caused her distress, that's her reality and it shouldn't be minimized or trivialized.

Some of you are going to up a shit creek when your kids reach teenage years.

A kid can say "If you break up with me I'm going to kill myself" and that's not a "suicide threat." Get real.

Stay with me here - IT. DOESN'T. MATTER. The point is that OP's daughter was upset by it. Period. Do you have a teenager or happen to know any? Can you remember being a teenager? Or are you the world's oldest mom/dad with with ideas about parenting and mental health stuck in 1950? Because really, your worldview on this stuff is out of date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.
Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

No, I don't think so. Threatening suicide is not "typical" behavior for anyone of any age. Amazing how so many of you can so easily minimize this kind of behavior when there is a ton of research into mental illness demonstrating that it manifests itself in the teen years and early 20's. Do we know for sure that OP's daughters ex-boyfriend is really suicidal? No. Does it matter? No. The bottom line is that these threats upset OP's daughter, and that should be OP's concern. There's a saying that perception is reality. If OP's DD's reality is that this situation caused her distress, that's her reality and it shouldn't be minimized or trivialized.

Some of you are going to up a shit creek when your kids reach teenage years.

A kid can say "If you break up with me I'm going to kill myself" and that's not a "suicide threat." Get real.

Stay with me here - IT. DOESN'T. MATTER. The point is that OP's daughter was upset by it. Period. Do you have a teenager or happen to know any? Can you remember being a teenager? Or are you the world's oldest mom/dad with with ideas about parenting and mental health stuck in 1950? Because really, your worldview on this stuff is out of date.

I think you are the one missing the point. Teenagers say all kinds of shit. "I'm going to kill myself if I don't get invited to Abby's party." "I'm going to throw up" "I'm so high right now!" You don't call a suicide hotline, a rehab center or whatever just because they say those things. They are not little adults. It's not "emotional abuse" when they do that. They do not have the maturity adults do, whatever the effect on OP's daughter was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.
Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

No, I don't think so. Threatening suicide is not "typical" behavior for anyone of any age. Amazing how so many of you can so easily minimize this kind of behavior when there is a ton of research into mental illness demonstrating that it manifests itself in the teen years and early 20's. Do we know for sure that OP's daughters ex-boyfriend is really suicidal? No. Does it matter? No. The bottom line is that these threats upset OP's daughter, and that should be OP's concern. There's a saying that perception is reality. If OP's DD's reality is that this situation caused her distress, that's her reality and it shouldn't be minimized or trivialized.

Some of you are going to up a shit creek when your kids reach teenage years.

A kid can say "If you break up with me I'm going to kill myself" and that's not a "suicide threat." Get real.

Stay with me here - IT. DOESN'T. MATTER. The point is that OP's daughter was upset by it. Period. Do you have a teenager or happen to know any? Can you remember being a teenager? Or are you the world's oldest mom/dad with with ideas about parenting and mental health stuck in 1950? Because really, your worldview on this stuff is out of date.

I think you are the one missing the point. Teenagers say all kinds of shit. "I'm going to kill myself if I don't get invited to Abby's party." "I'm going to throw up" "I'm so high right now!" You don't call a suicide hotline, a rehab center or whatever just because they say those things. They are not little adults. It's not "emotional abuse" when they do that. They do not have the maturity adults do, whatever the effect on OP's daughter was.

Well, whatever. We'll have to agree to disagree. I get your point I just happen to not agree with you at all. I'm not saying OP should call the kids parents or a suicide hotline or report him to the school. I am saying that IF OP'S DAUGHTER FELT MANIPULATED AND CONTROLLED INTO NOT BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE SHE BELIEVED HIM, that is a problem. And yes, I would call it abusive. Would you not agree that the young "man" in question needs some help regarding how to conduct an appropriate relationship? You said yourself that kids do not have the emotional maturity adults do, and I agree. That ALSO means they will have a harder time discerning which threats are real vs. those that are not, and that their reactions to said threats will not be the mature reactions of adults. You deal with kids where they are PP. Just because it is somehow so obvious to you that this is made up BS doesn't mean it's obvious to the kids involved. You are applying adult rationality to the behavioral interactions of minor children. OP's DD and the ex-boyfriend both need help determining what is and is not appropriate in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.
Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

No, I don't think so. Threatening suicide is not "typical" behavior for anyone of any age. Amazing how so many of you can so easily minimize this kind of behavior when there is a ton of research into mental illness demonstrating that it manifests itself in the teen years and early 20's. Do we know for sure that OP's daughters ex-boyfriend is really suicidal? No. Does it matter? No. The bottom line is that these threats upset OP's daughter, and that should be OP's concern. There's a saying that perception is reality. If OP's DD's reality is that this situation caused her distress, that's her reality and it shouldn't be minimized or trivialized.

Some of you are going to up a shit creek when your kids reach teenage years.

A kid can say "If you break up with me I'm going to kill myself" and that's not a "suicide threat." Get real.

Stay with me here - IT. DOESN'T. MATTER. The point is that OP's daughter was upset by it. Period. Do you have a teenager or happen to know any? Can you remember being a teenager? Or are you the world's oldest mom/dad with with ideas about parenting and mental health stuck in 1950? Because really, your worldview on this stuff is out of date.

I think you are the one missing the point. Teenagers say all kinds of shit. "I'm going to kill myself if I don't get invited to Abby's party." "I'm going to throw up" "I'm so high right now!" You don't call a suicide hotline, a rehab center or whatever just because they say those things. They are not little adults. It's not "emotional abuse" when they do that. They do not have the maturity adults do, whatever the effect on OP's daughter was.

Well, whatever. We'll have to agree to disagree. I get your point I just happen to not agree with you at all. I'm not saying OP should call the kids parents or a suicide hotline or report him to the school. I am saying that IF OP'S DAUGHTER FELT MANIPULATED AND CONTROLLED INTO NOT BREAKING UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND BECAUSE SHE BELIEVED HIM, that is a problem. And yes, I would call it abusive. Would you not agree that the young "man" in question needs some help regarding how to conduct an appropriate relationship? You said yourself that kids do not have the emotional maturity adults do, and I agree. That ALSO means they will have a harder time discerning which threats are real vs. those that are not, and that their reactions to said threats will not be the mature reactions of adults. You deal with kids where they are PP. Just because it is somehow so obvious to you that this is made up BS doesn't mean it's obvious to the kids involved. You are applying adult rationality to the behavioral interactions of minor children. OP's DD and the ex-boyfriend both need help determining what is and is not appropriate in relationships.

OP back again, Thanks for this. My thinking has changed and I'm glad I asked the question. I do feel that if it felt emotionally abusive to DD, it was. She's so upset with him she told me that if he tries to contact her again, she will call the police. So I'm wondering if there were other threats as well that she didn't mention or if she's just irritated and angry. I think the boy involved has a new GF, so he seems to be adjusting ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is emotional manipulation (not sure if it's abuse), but it's also immaturity and self-centeredness. It's typical adolescent drama.
Also, your DD has a responsibility to respond (and everyone has a responsibility to respond) to emotional manipulation by not buying into it. By simply saying "You'll survive."

No, I don't think so. Threatening suicide is not "typical" behavior for anyone of any age. Amazing how so many of you can so easily minimize this kind of behavior when there is a ton of research into mental illness demonstrating that it manifests itself in the teen years and early 20's. Do we know for sure that OP's daughters ex-boyfriend is really suicidal? No. Does it matter? No. The bottom line is that these threats upset OP's daughter, and that should be OP's concern. There's a saying that perception is reality. If OP's DD's reality is that this situation caused her distress, that's her reality and it shouldn't be minimized or trivialized.

Some of you are going to up a shit creek when your kids reach teenage years.

A kid can say "If you break up with me I'm going to kill myself" and that's not a "suicide threat." Get real.

What it often is, is an extreme statement ruled by intense emotions and calculatingly designed to manipulate someone into doing something. Emotional abuse.