Is this emotional abuse?

[Anonymous]

DD broke up with her long term BF several months. She just recently told me that he had emotionally abused her. The example she gave is that he told her that if she ever broke up with him, he would kill himself. (He did have a hard time after the break-up, but seems to be doing ok now)
I tried to get more details from her, but then she shut down. Would you consider what he said to her to be emotional abuse? (I tend to think of it more as histrionic adolescent behavior, not actual abuse)

[Anonymous]

Op here, I think maybe I posted this in the wrong forum, I guess it should go under the Relationship section. Well, any comments still appreciated. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD broke up with her long term BF several months. She just recently told me that he had emotionally abused her. The example she gave is that he told her that if she ever broke up with him, he would kill himself. (He did have a hard time after the break-up, but seems to be doing ok now)
I tried to get more details from her, but then she shut down. Would you consider what he said to her to be emotional abuse? (I tend to think of it more as histrionic adolescent behavior, not actual abuse)

you are right.

[Anonymous]

The kid is depressed or dramatic. It isn't emotional abuse. God.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the feedback! I was feeling bad that I hadn't been more sympathetic to her when she told me that, but it really didn't seem like emotional abuse to me. I would like to educate her more, but think I need to wait since she's already shut me out for the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the feedback! I was feeling bad that I hadn't been more sympathetic to her when she told me that, but it really didn't seem like emotional abuse to me. I would like to educate her more, but think I need to wait since she's already shut me out for the moment.

Wow. Your daughter complained to you that her bf was emotionally abusive and you weren't sympathetic? No wonder she shut down communication. Good luck getting her to open up to you in the future.

And yes, threatening to kill ones self upon breakup is emotionally manipulative and quite possibly indicative of a greater pattern of emotional abuse.

You need to apologize to her and try to get her to open up again.

[Anonymous]

It could totally be emotional a use if he was trying to manipulate her into staying. My brother does that to his girlfriend. I sure as hell wouldn't call their relationship healthy.

[Anonymous]

OP back again, thanks for the additional replies. I didn't not give sympathy when she told me. Instead, I was asking followup questions trying to get more information and that is when she shut down.
And the more I've thought about it, it may well have been emotional abuse. Especially if she really wanted to break up with him but didn't because of his threats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again, thanks for the additional replies. I didn't not give sympathy when she told me. Instead, I was asking followup questions trying to get more information and that is when she shut down.
And the more I've thought about it, it may well have been emotional abuse. Especially if she really wanted to break up with him but didn't because of his threats.

but ... she DID break up with him. Despite his (empty) threat. It sounds like they're both dramatic. Maybe they deserve each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again, thanks for the additional replies. I didn't not give sympathy when she told me. Instead, I was asking followup questions trying to get more information and that is when she shut down.
And the more I've thought about it, it may well have been emotional abuse. Especially if she really wanted to break up with him but didn't because of his threats.

but ... she DID break up with him. Despite his (empty) threat. It sounds like they're both dramatic. Maybe they deserve each other.

Not sure where you get that OP's daughter is "dramatic." She did the healthy thing by breaking up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again, thanks for the additional replies. I didn't not give sympathy when she told me. Instead, I was asking followup questions trying to get more information and that is when she shut down.
And the more I've thought about it, it may well have been emotional abuse. Especially if she really wanted to break up with him but didn't because of his threats.

but ... she DID break up with him. Despite his (empty) threat. It sounds like they're both dramatic. Maybe they deserve each other.

Wow, way to simplify complex human behaviors. You don't seem to have much empathy. Maybe you shouldn't be posting here.

[Anonymous]

That seems emotionally abusive to me. Just because his attempts at controlling her didn't work doesn't mean it's not abusive on his part. What he was saying was, "I will force you to stay with me based on your fears of what I might do, so even though I know you want to leave, I will threaten you with my death, and force you to stay against your will." How is that not abusive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That seems emotionally abusive to me. Just because his attempts at controlling her didn't work doesn't mean it's not abusive on his part. What he was saying was, "I will force you to stay with me based on your fears of what I might do, so even though I know you want to leave, I will threaten you with my death, and force you to stay against your will." How is that not abusive?

I think I agree with this. It's interesting that just this one questions brings out polar opposite responses. Some state it's definitely not emotional abuse, some say it likely is. I found this website that does list signs of emotional abuse, including:

"Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them."

http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/what-is-emotional-verbal-abuse

I'm OP, thanks for helping me clarify my thinking on this!

[Anonymous]

A friends 9 th grade boyfriend drove his car onto a wall after she broke up with him. Her 10th grade boyfriend followed her around saying stuff like," I need you, I can't live without you" after she broke up,with him. They got back together and are married ( at least as recently as 8 years ago were still together, but she did not seem happy) high school was 22 years ago.

[Anonymous]

It sounds emotionally abusive, but I would also be concerned about the mental health of the young person making such a threat. You don't actually know when the threat of suicide is being made if it is manipulative or a real possibility. Years ago, a high school student at my son's school committed suicide after a break-up. If someone threatens suicide, it should always be taken seriously. I would let the boy's parents know and maybe let school officials know.

I also want to mention that a young person in my extended family was suicidal at a couple of points and made two attempts several years apart. When I talked with her about it shortly after the second attempt, she told me that suicide was always on her mind, whether she was talking about it or not. She basically had to be actively convincing herself not to commit suicide. So just because someone doesn't commit suicide immediately after a break-up does not necessarily mean that it was an idle threat and the threat is now null and void. I think that anyone who talks about potentially killing themselves needs to get HELP.