Odd end to visit from ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, normally I would say just brush it off, but I used to get this vibe off of my step mom from time to time, like she'd suddenly go cool on me, and I'd think and think "did I do something?" and DH etc would always say "nah, there's nothing you could have said or did" but recently, she just blew up at me and just started unleashing this list of grievances she'd built up over the years - very specific stuff like "when we were out to dinner one evening I said your son did good at school and you said yes, he's done well, like you think you have to correct my grammar" and a seriously long list of slights - some I could remember and some I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, like looking at her funny when she said something, etc. The thing is, I was completely floored - I really care about her and never would have done anything to hurt her on purpose.

Generally I think spider sense is usually accurate. If you care about your MIL, I guess just give her a call. It may not have been about you, but it may have been. I wish my step mom would have given me a chance to at least address her concerns when they happened. I would have never hurt her on purpose but, hearing about things years later, I can't defend myself, don't even remember what she might have been talking about.

Good luck! I hope it's nothing.

NO! OP should not call her MIL. PP, what your stepmom did was unacceptable. It is classic passive aggressive behavior. She is an adult, and if she is bothered by something you did, then she has 2 choices: either share it with you or let it go. That's it. Saving up her list of petty grievances for year is not an option. If OP's MIL is upset by something OP did, then it's her responsibility to name it. It is NOT OP's responsibility to chase after her literally or with a call.

I'm sorry that your stepmom pulled that stunt on you. Of course you would never intentionally hurt her. If someone laid out a laundry list of slights like the one your stepmom did to you, I would have just looked at them like they were crazy---BECAUSE it is crazy behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call her: "You seemed a little bit upset when you left, is everything okay? I'm really sorry about the boys bailing on your visit. DH and I were also very disappointed."

This is well said, and I agree it's the most you should do if you do want to reach out, OP. But I don't think you have to do anything if you don't want to - sounds like they were sulking and being a little dramatic in the service of making their point. Next time your stepsons need to show up.

[Anonymous]

What to do you do when you upset someone but don't know what you did

When you ask, people have a responsibility to answer if anything is wrong, or they haven't earned your concern.

In terms of leaving early. I have friends like this. I have never understood it but I have developed a thicker skin to deal with it.
They will be our house guests and always, always leave early. And announce it the morning of within minutes of their departure.
They don't seem to want to stay committed to any original plan. They get anxious and want to go. I'm sure it's the wife, not the
two of them but husband goes along. It's rude. I've seen it over several decades.

[Anonymous]

When you ask, people have a responsibility to answer if anything is wrong, or they haven't earned your concern.

^this.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever hosted your MIL and mother together? Mine get jealous of each other and won't be social. Did each know the other was coming?

[Anonymous]

I understand you want to know whether you "did" something or not. However please do nothing, because:

1. Either her mood was not about you, but something else that ticked her off.

2. Or she was being passive aggressive and the best way you can deal with it is NOT to engage, because such petty behavior does not deserve your concern.

BTW, PP's story about her MIL launching into a laundry list of slights are exactly why you should shrug it off! Such touchiness and low self-esteem reflect the insanity of the MIL, and cannot be addressed rationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds mean and I think I would only admit it anonymously, but I cannot even begin to describe how little I care about what my MIL thinks of me. She is invited to and does spend every holiday with us. I send her school pictures and make sure she has stocking presents, tree presents, birthday presents, etc. She is invited to every school event and milestone religious event. But if she got short with me and I knew I had not done anything to slight her, I would shrug my shoulders and forget about it before she crossed the threshold to leave. Her opinion simply doesn't matter to me. And I am sure my husband feels the same way about my mother.

I half think this is really healthy but it can veer into i don't give a shit and not caring at all about someone really is not nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't ever worry about shit like that. If I know I did nothing offensive or hurtful, I assume the person just shat their pants or something and is just anxious to get home and it's got nothing to do with me.

I will not be worked into a tizzy by someone else's passive aggressive behavior.

You did nothing wrong. SHE should call YOU to thank you for hosting. YOU do not call HER to thank her for coming. "Thank you for giving me the honor of washing your special coffee crap, I hope it was up to your exp
ectations...." Hell no .

Ha! I love this. This actually happened to my husband once -- he literally shit his pants and had to leave in a hurry. He was not in a pleasant mood.

[Anonymous]

I could see my ILs getting offended if once my mom left and the stepsons weren't coming the feel to the house kinda deflated and went back to business as usual. Like we didn't care that they were still there.

They would then float out "we're thinking of leaving" (as a test!) And then if I had responded with, "Oh, sorry to hear that but OK" and started washing their coffee stuff to move them along ... the passive-aggressive behavior would have been unleashed.

OP, you're not wrong here. My ILs would have been the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, normally I would say just brush it off, but I used to get this vibe off of my step mom from time to time, like she'd suddenly go cool on me, and I'd think and think "did I do something?" and DH etc would always say "nah, there's nothing you could have said or did" but recently, she just blew up at me and just started unleashing this list of grievances she'd built up over the years - very specific stuff like "when we were out to dinner one evening I said your son did good at school and you said yes, he's done well, like you think you have to correct my grammar" and a seriously long list of slights - some I could remember and some I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, like looking at her funny when she said something, etc. The thing is, I was completely floored - I really care about her and never would have done anything to hurt her on purpose.

Generally I think spider sense is usually accurate. If you care about your MIL, I guess just give her a call. It may not have been about you, but it may have been. I wish my step mom would have given me a chance to at least address her concerns when they happened. I would have never hurt her on purpose but, hearing about things years later, I can't defend myself, don't even remember what she might have been talking about.

Good luck! I hope it's nothing.

NO! OP should not call her MIL. PP, what your stepmom did was unacceptable. It is classic passive aggressive behavior. She is an adult, and if she is bothered by something you did, then she has 2 choices: either share it with you or let it go. That's it. Saving up her list of petty grievances for year is not an option. If OP's MIL is upset by something OP did, then it's her responsibility to name it. It is NOT OP's responsibility to chase after her literally or with a call.

I'm sorry that your stepmom pulled that stunt on you. Of course you would never intentionally hurt her. If someone laid out a laundry list of slights like the one your stepmom did to you, I would have just looked at them like they were crazy---BECAUSE it is crazy behavior.

+1

My MIL pulled this sort of thing on me last year. She was even ranting about where she was seated out our wedding 10 YEARS AGO. It is not your job to manage other people's issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could see my ILs getting offended if once my mom left and the stepsons weren't coming the feel to the house kinda deflated and went back to business as usual. Like we didn't care that they were still there.

They would then float out "we're thinking of leaving" (as a test!) And then if I had responded with, "Oh, sorry to hear that but OK" and started washing their coffee stuff to move them along ... the passive-aggressive behavior would have been unleashed.

OP, you're not wrong here. My ILs would have been the same.

NP here! Oh - this might just be it! This passive-aggressive behavior describes my MIL. My MIL holds the attitude that she is to be treated deferentially and be the center of attention and any moment when this is not upheld is a noted slight or insult. It's like she is progressively diminished and defeated and expects to be built up and cajoled at all times. You can imagine the fun it is to have even the most mundane interactions.

I think your MIL was hoping you'd plead with her (them) to stay. Maybe she thought she'd have special one-on-one time with *just* her family, now that your pesky mom was gone and your loyalties would not be divided. MY MIL pulls this shit - after I've hosted a huge family gathering (with my own parents and siblings) at MY house, she and my FIL make a point to leave last and stay for hours afterwards (and stay...for hours) under the auspices of "cleaning up" so that they get undivided attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds mean and I think I would only admit it anonymously, but I cannot even begin to describe how little I care about what my MIL thinks of me. She is invited to and does spend every holiday with us. I send her school pictures and make sure she has stocking presents, tree presents, birthday presents, etc. She is invited to every school event and milestone religious event. But if she got short with me and I knew I had not done anything to slight her, I would shrug my shoulders and forget about it before she crossed the threshold to leave. Her opinion simply doesn't matter to me. And I am sure my husband feels the same way about my mother.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could see my ILs getting offended if once my mom left and the stepsons weren't coming the feel to the house kinda deflated and went back to business as usual. Like we didn't care that they were still there.

They would then float out "we're thinking of leaving" (as a test!) And then if I had responded with, "Oh, sorry to hear that but OK" and started washing their coffee stuff to move them along ... the passive-aggressive behavior would have been unleashed.

OP, you're not wrong here. My ILs would have been the same.

NP here! Oh - this might just be it! This passive-aggressive behavior describes my MIL. My MIL holds the attitude that she is to be treated deferentially and be the center of attention and any moment when this is not upheld is a noted slight or insult. It's like she is progressively diminished and defeated and expects to be built up and cajoled at all times. You can imagine the fun it is to have even the most mundane interactions.

I think your MIL was hoping you'd plead with her (them) to stay. Maybe she thought she'd have special one-on-one time with *just* her family, now that your pesky mom was gone and your loyalties would not be divided. MY MIL pulls this shit - after I've hosted a huge family gathering (with my own parents and siblings) at MY house, she and my FIL make a point to leave last and stay for hours afterwards (and stay...for hours) under the auspices of "cleaning up" so that they get undivided attention.

Why is this so hard? When were done hosting family and
The kids are ready for bed we just tell them that
It's time to go. No lingering, none of that crap.

Head home. Social time is done. Good bye.