I want parents to move to an adult community - NEED consultant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why your parents should move now just so you can stop worrying that someday they may need to move? And no one who actually cares about something this important is "too busy to sort through the options."

Let them be. They're grownups and they can live wherever they want.

OP here. I care because I know of parents of two other friends who did not move into such a place, and now have been rejected by many as being too sick, one finally did get into a health facility but they 17,000 per MONTH. That is unsustainable for my parents. And I should clarify that I didn't mean I am too busy. What I mean is, I value other people that have made it their profession to advise on certain issues. I am also too busy to go to law school, but I don't need to because I can hire a lawyer to help me with my will etc. Too busy to learn carpentry and plumbing, but can hire a handyman to help in the house. SO I just mean it would be more efficient to have a professional who could advise on all the pros and cons.

So, you feel right forcing them to leave their home because of how it will impact your life. Just abandon them, if that is your concern. They are obviously doing ok as this isn't a crisis but making your life easier. Hopefully a neighbor or friend can pitch in. You are looking for a "professional" you can pay to advise your parents on your wishes.

We just moved my MIL cross country and into a nursing home. Yes, its hard, but not impossible. We are in a really good one and they are $10,000 a month. I can't imagine one for $17,000 in less they were on life support. At that price, hire an in home caretaker.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why your parents should move now just so you can stop worrying that someday they may need to move? And no one who actually cares about something this important is "too busy to sort through the options."

Let them be. They're grownups and they can live wherever they want.

OP here. I care because I know of parents of two other friends who did not move into such a place, and now have been rejected by many as being too sick, one finally did get into a health facility but they 17,000 per MONTH. That is unsustainable for my parents. And I should clarify that I didn't mean I am too busy. What I mean is, I value other people that have made it their profession to advise on certain issues. I am also too busy to go to law school, but I don't need to because I can hire a lawyer to help me with my will etc. Too busy to learn carpentry and plumbing, but can hire a handyman to help in the house. SO I just mean it would be more efficient to have a professional who could advise on all the pros and cons.

So you want your parents to fundamentally change their lives but can't bother to even do some research on the course of action you want them to take?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why your parents should move now just so you can stop worrying that someday they may need to move? And no one who actually cares about something this important is "too busy to sort through the options."

Let them be. They're grownups and they can live wherever they want.

OP here. I care because I know of parents of two other friends who did not move into such a place, and now have been rejected by many as being too sick, one finally did get into a health facility but they 17,000 per MONTH. That is unsustainable for my parents. And I should clarify that I didn't mean I am too busy. What I mean is, I value other people that have made it their profession to advise on certain issues. I am also too busy to go to law school, but I don't need to because I can hire a lawyer to help me with my will etc. Too busy to learn carpentry and plumbing, but can hire a handyman to help in the house. SO I just mean it would be more efficient to have a professional who could advise on all the pros and cons.

So you want your parents to fundamentally change their lives but can't bother to even do some research on the course of action you want them to take?

She or he is very important and busy. Their parents who do not need anything are a burden.

[Anonymous]

Y'all are being way too harsh on OP. There are lots of good reasons to help parents think through these issues. And given how many more living choices there are now than when OP's 80yo parents were younger, it seems reasonable to present them with information that lets them know they have some choices while they're still able to make those choices together. My parents just downsized and the key for them was they wanted to be in charge of the decision and do it together while they were both healthy (and make things eventually easier for the kids).

OP is right that it's emotionally hard for parents to hear this stuff from kids and might be easier to hear from a peer or a neutral third party. My own parents were heavily influenced by a number of their own peers making these downsizing choices. OP, I posted some resources earlier, and I think there are a LOT of informative sources out there to help with this. You may just need to do a lot of sifting on the front end.

[Anonymous]

Yes, there are lots of good reasons to help parents think through these issues, however, OP is acting like a bull dozer not a daughter. She needs to work with her parents and either let them age in place or find an alternative place that's suitable.

OP, do you have long term insurance? A plan for retirement? An advance directive? We all need to do this but we put this off. Don't wig out at them if you don't have your ducks in a row.

Take a listen:
http://www.sciencefriday.com/segment/10/10/2014/atul-gawande-on-being-mortal.html

[Anonymous]

OMG 10k a month. What are my parents going to do? What are me and DH going to do? Our retirement funds are not going to generate that kind of interest.

[Anonymous]

They don't all cost that much, PP? My parents just moved into a place locally that is much cheaper. But if you are worried, long term care insurance is your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My folks don't want to leave their house (mid 80s) but I really want them to move

Maybe start out by talking with them about how they envision the next 20 years. Are there stressors about their current living situation? (Lawn care, home repair, driving) Where do they see themselves? Do they never to intend to move, or just not now? What would they prefer to have happen if one or both begins needing some medical care? How will their finances work in any of these scenarios?

Great advice. Maybe they have - or can be prompted to develop - a plan for aging in place. If they don't have plan, you need to tell them that you are woried about what will happen if one of them needs medical care. GL, it is a tough convo to have, but so necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My folks don't want to leave their house (mid 80s) but I really want them to move to one of those transitional communities (condos, medical care and ultimately assisted living). They are healthy now but we worry and would feel better knowing that if something happens, the safety net is there. My DH and I are way too busy to sort through all the options of places and any recommendation coming from us is too fraught with emotion. Is there a service that will help talk them through options, financial, emotional, physical etc and make a recommendation?

How close are they to you, physically? My parents decided to age in place and when my mother was sick early this year she stayed in the house until 24 before her death. She died in hospice. She was able to die as she planned and with dignity. She was 84. She loved the view out her window and she was visited everyday by her friends and neighbors. Moving to an assisted living facility separates people from their lives and loved ones and they have to start over meeting people- who are all old and relatively feeble (which is why they are in assisted living). IME, it tends to hasten death.

How long have they lived in their house and neighborhood? Do they have a large set of friends? Are they active in clubs and/or a house of worship? Do they go to activities at the local senior center?

I would start with the Council on Aging to see what services are available to them in home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they are fine at home, it makes no sense to uproot them until necessary. This is about them, not you.

We loved having our older neighbor and always offered to help from shoveling to basic home fixes. She was very independant. We were sad to see her go.

your post is all about me, me, me.

[Anonymous]

You want to move your parents to make yourself happy. Not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG 10k a month. What are my parents going to do? What are me and DH going to do? Our retirement funds are not going to generate that kind of interest.

You pay for a caregiver or spend everything including selling the house and go on Medicaid. Just get into the nursing home private pay for six months or so or it is a nightmare.