I want parents to move to an adult community - NEED consultant!

[Anonymous]

My folks don't want to leave their house (mid 80s) but I really want them to move to one of those transitional communities (condos, medical care and ultimately assisted living). They are healthy now but we worry and would feel better knowing that if something happens, the safety net is there. My DH and I are way too busy to sort through all the options of places and any recommendation coming from us is too fraught with emotion. Is there a service that will help talk them through options, financial, emotional, physical etc and make a recommendation?

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally get being busy and it being stressful. But please look at it from their point of view. You didn't list any health or safety concerns (other than the fact that they are elderly) so to them, you're basically telling them they are one foot in the grave. Being forced to move into a community like you describe does take away some of their dignity. Please take some time to do some research into how they feel.

I totally get that it's hard for many reasons (I recently went through this with my dad whose health was declining), but the clinical approach you want to use is going to cause more issues than do good.

[Anonymous]

Look into a home visiting service for them. Comfort Keepers is terrific. They can come as often and for as long as you need (and can afford), and they let your healthy parents age in place.

[Anonymous]

I do think there are elder consultants.

I echo the fact that your parents have to be ready to move themselves. My mom is 89 and has moved into an independent living retirement community - she is still extremely independent and drives (safely). She made the decision herself a few years. The thing is people don't really move into retirement communities until they have one foot in the grave (or at least one spouse has one foot in the grave). Even at 89, my mom is one liveliest people in her community - she is on the go all the time. I think sometimes she regrets moving to the community as so many of the people have sort of given up on life. She deals with it by having very little to do with people in the community - she still has lots of friends outside of the community. She does do the exercise classes and does benefit from maid service, etc., but basically does not socialize within the community.

Of course, my sister and I (who are not local to where she lives) are glad she is in the community.

[Anonymous]

Do either of your employers have an employee assistance program? My company's program has awesome information and counseling resources in areas like elder care, and it's also available to family members. The benefit generally includes at least one or two phone counseling sessions with an advisor as well as literature packets on different options. Might be worth checking in with your HR departments to see what resources you have.

If they are firmly committed to being in their home, then explore "aging in place" resources in their community. There are lots of "village" movements in communities to help on these issues. Programs like Chevy Chase at Home. PACE program is another great resource.

[Anonymous]

PP here - meant to add that websites for programs like Chevy Chase at Home often list good resources that you might want to check out:

http://www.chevychaseathome.org/content.aspx?page_id=22&club_id=559717&module_id=111640

[Anonymous]

If they are fine at home, it makes no sense to uproot them until necessary. This is about them, not you.

We loved having our older neighbor and always offered to help from shoveling to basic home fixes. She was very independant. We were sad to see her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My folks don't want to leave their house (mid 80s) but I really want them to move

Maybe start out by talking with them about how they envision the next 20 years. Are there stressors about their current living situation? (Lawn care, home repair, driving) Where do they see themselves? Do they never to intend to move, or just not now? What would they prefer to have happen if one or both begins needing some medical care? How will their finances work in any of these scenarios?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why your parents should move now just so you can stop worrying that someday they may need to move? And no one who actually cares about something this important is "too busy to sort through the options."

Let them be. They're grownups and they can live wherever they want.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, in their mid-80s, if they've held out that long, it's not likely that they would have much time in an assisted living type setting.

I like the PP's suggestion of having a conversation about, "OK, you're staying in your home. What happens if one of you breaks a hip? Has a stroke? Can't drive? Can we at least have a conversation about what kind of help is available in your community and where you might go if you have to go somewhere?"

My grandfather steadfastly refused to leave his home until he had a health issue at 92. He was dead three months later. I think he spent maybe two weeks in the assisted living portion of the facility and the rest in the nursing home.

Your parents might be like that...the type of old people who won't move until there's an absolute crisis, and at that point it is to a nursing home, not assisted living. Do they at least have POAs and medical wishes spelled out so you can act on their behalf when the crisis comes? That will happen whether they are in assisted living or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why your parents should move now just so you can stop worrying that someday they may need to move? And no one who actually cares about something this important is "too busy to sort through the options."

Let them be. They're grownups and they can live wherever they want.

OP here. I care because I know of parents of two other friends who did not move into such a place, and now have been rejected by many as being too sick, one finally did get into a health facility but they 17,000 per MONTH. That is unsustainable for my parents. And I should clarify that I didn't mean I am too busy. What I mean is, I value other people that have made it their profession to advise on certain issues. I am also too busy to go to law school, but I don't need to because I can hire a lawyer to help me with my will etc. Too busy to learn carpentry and plumbing, but can hire a handyman to help in the house. SO I just mean it would be more efficient to have a professional who could advise on all the pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

Aging Network Services in Bethesda is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why your parents should move now just so you can stop worrying that someday they may need to move? And no one who actually cares about something this important is "too busy to sort through the options."

Let them be. They're grownups and they can live wherever they want.

OP here. I care because I know of parents of two other friends who did not move into such a place, and now have been rejected by many as being too sick, one finally did get into a health facility but they 17,000 per MONTH. That is unsustainable for my parents. And I should clarify that I didn't mean I am too busy. What I mean is, I value other people that have made it their profession to advise on certain issues. I am also too busy to go to law school, but I don't need to because I can hire a lawyer to help me with my will etc. Too busy to learn carpentry and plumbing, but can hire a handyman to help in the house. SO I just mean it would be more efficient to have a professional who could advise on all the pros and cons.

I get what you're saying. I do. But picture it from their perspective. They have no need at the moment to move, they don't want to, they want to hold into their freedom and dignity, etc. Do you really think they are going to say "why yes, stranger whom I've never met, you are so right. We aren't safe to live in our own homes. Let's move into an old folks home". Maybe hire someone to do the research for you to present to them, but otherwise it seems really cold. Please take a moment to reflect on how this would feel to THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why your parents should move now just so you can stop worrying that someday they may need to move? And no one who actually cares about something this important is "too busy to sort through the options."

Let them be. They're grownups and they can live wherever they want.

OP here. I care because I know of parents of two other friends who did not move into such a place, and now have been rejected by many as being too sick, one finally did get into a health facility but they 17,000 per MONTH. That is unsustainable for my parents. And I should clarify that I didn't mean I am too busy. What I mean is, I value other people that have made it their profession to advise on certain issues. I am also too busy to go to law school, but I don't need to because I can hire a lawyer to help me with my will etc. Too busy to learn carpentry and plumbing, but can hire a handyman to help in the house. SO I just mean it would be more efficient to have a professional who could advise on all the pros and cons.

So, you feel right forcing them to leave their home because of how it will impact your life. Just abandon them, if that is your concern. They are obviously doing ok as this isn't a crisis but making your life easier. Hopefully a neighbor or friend can pitch in. You are looking for a "professional" you can pay to advise your parents on your wishes.

We just moved my MIL cross country and into a nursing home. Yes, its hard, but not impossible. We are in a really good one and they are $10,000 a month. I can't imagine one for $17,000 in less they were on life support. At that price, hire an in home caretaker.

[Anonymous]

If your parents' friends are being rejected as being too sick, it means they shouldn't be in assisted living, but either at home with assistance or in a nursing home. That's just aging, and in that case they're past where assisted living can help.