Tips to Manage Let-Downs from Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are 35. your mom called to wish you happy birthday. I dont understand what you are upset about. Seriously.

I would start with therapy to explore your issues. You're creating a lot of drama in your head over nothing.

I completely agree. You sound incredibly needy. I am very close to my mom, but I didn't speak to her at all on my birthday. She left me a facebook note, and we discussed the day later. I was busy. She was busy. And, I am not five. My daughter, on the other hand, is five, so she made me a very cute mispelled note and we celebrated all day long. It was fun. I had a wonderful day!

[Anonymous]

What else did you want her to say? I truly don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I don't think you are getting it. You say that "we discussed the day later" meaning that she inquired about how your birthday was/ seemed interested in you and not herself. I think only people with mom issues can understand the hurt associated with them, but I do appreciate hearing everyone's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider this: on my birthday, the ONLY person who acknowledges it IS my mom. No friends, no spouse, no kids. I'd much rather have your situation than mine. Mine remembers my birthday because it's the day SHE gave birth. More about her than me.

Other than her, nobody acknowledges my birthday, and her acknowledging of it just highlights that for me. Especially when she's all "Did you have FUN?! Are you having a HAPPY birthday?"

Great response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess the thought which crosses my mind is, how old are you? This would be so low on my list of concerns at this stage in my life.

+1

I am 57 years old and my Mom is still hurtful. It still hurts me. It's hard to forgive someone who keeps hurting. About 1 year ago, I blocked her. She can't call or email. Initially, it felt emotionally safe. Then I had to mourn her death. She has reaped what she sowed. She is where she belongs, in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I sympathize because I am not in that situation.

However, when ever I see posts like your complaining about parents, I can't help but think on those who insist that parents should be kept at a distance and how important "boundaries" are in dealing with them. Something that I am not able to relate to at all because my parents drop in almost without any notice and they are always welcome - we do the same with them.

BTW, not suggesting that you argue for boundaries.

Good for you. Some of us were severely abused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here's my best tip:

Expect nothing from her. She is who she is and always has been. Would it be better if she were someone else? Sure. But you know who she is and don't expect any more or any less. Period.

I have to do this and it works wonders on your soul.

Yes. Accept her for who she is, and if you need some other mothering that you know she can't give, get it from somewhere else. In the days when kids were raised in large extended families, if one's own mom wasn't up to snuff there would be aunts, older sisters, even neighbors who could fill the gap. Not everyone can be a mom like you see in movies/fairy-tales. At least she cared enough to call you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. To the PPs who think this is no big deal, are you close with your mothers? Do you have kids? It seems like you have pretty cold relationships with your moms, if all you want is for them to call you for less than a minute on your birthday. Who knows, I guess I am needy but am surprised that you are all so low-maintenance.

I am close to my mother, but I'm 43, why would she go overboard on my birthday? After I turned 21 I quickly realized birthdays are another day and they are what you make of them, not what someone else does. I'd rather my mom focus on making a big deal for the grandkids, not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, OP, if she were an addict and you took this to Al-Anon, you'd get a lot of support for detaching from your mom and not expecting her to change. Actually when I went to Al-Anon back in the day, I used it to detach from my mom who at the time was not the alcoholic in my life. But it really helped me set boundaries with her and disentangle my feelings from her behavior. Because of that later I was able to have a better relationship with her. (And later I figured out that she was an alcoholic - but that's another story.)

All this is to say, that even though you intellectually know you can't expect anything from your mom, you really haven't given up hoping she will change. And probably doing that would involve a fair bit of grieving --that won't feel good for awhile, but if you work through it, it will pass.

I'm so sorry. You deserve better. I hope you find peace soon.

NP, I love this and think it's great advice.

I'll just add this, at the risk of sounding new-agey, but it's because I learned it myself and it was transformative: No matter how much we intellectually understand these pains and slights as adults, and realize or see our parents as "human" and flawed as adults, there is still a child inside us who is hurting from these slights back when we were kids and these slights/hurts/actions were shaping us - for better and definitely for worse. I spent years wondering why I kept letting myself get let down and let down by dynamics when I understood them and knew they weren't about me. It was only when I worked on healing the little kid who DID NOT understand at the time why Mommy/Daddy/family/whoever made me feel so badly and affected how I defined myself or reacted to my world... only when I worked on going back and healing that child version of me and comforting them and just acknowledging them (plus the vital work of today as PP said, setting boundaries, working on acceptance and detachment), all that helped me to finally move on and eventually not be let down anymore.

What that "healing the child who was originally hurt" looks like is different for different people - for me it was a combo of therapy and the blessing of a best friend who constantly challenges me on why I'm hanging onto hope when there's no reason to think anything will ever change. Al-Anon is another great resource.

Good luck OP and all in similar situations!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. To the PPs who think this is no big deal, are you close with your mothers? Do you have kids? It seems like you have pretty cold relationships with your moms, if all you want is for them to call you for less than a minute on your birthday. Who knows, I guess I am needy but am surprised that you are all so low-maintenance.

You'd get much more helpful (or at least clear) responses OP if you said what you want or expect instead of the quick check in you got. What did you want or expect this day to look like for you? What would an "appropriate mom response" have been to your birthday in your ideal world?

[Anonymous]

Interesting. To the PPs who think this is no big deal, are you close with your mothers? Do you have kids? It seems like you have pretty cold relationships with your moms, if all you want is for them to call you for less than a minute on your birthday. Who knows, I guess I am needy but am surprised that you are all so low-maintenance.


You'd get much more helpful (or at least clear) responses OP if you said what you want or expect instead of the quick check in you got. What did you want or expect this day to look like for you? What would an "appropriate mom response" have been to your birthday in your ideal world?

This. Because right now, OP, you sound very needy for no apparent reason. You are 35, far too old to expect anyone to make your birthday into a national holiday. You say your mom isn't abusive or toxic or anything requiring you to set any serious boundaries to protect yourself from a damaging relationship. Therefore, I don't get it. What did you expect?

[Anonymous]

I'd expect an expression of love from my mother. Not literally, in the sense of how much she loves me, but a little bit of joy or a conversation that didn't have to do with her commute. I dunno... maybe you are the same people who in other forums are complaining about not having friends or intimacy with your husbands. Do your parents not show love to you even though you are an adult and you think this is normal? Right?

[Anonymous]

What exactly did you want her to do, op? What would have been an appropriate birthday gesture at your age? Are you simply looking for a reason to be slighted? Honestly, she called you. What more was necessary?

[Anonymous]

Since this was a "big birthday" is you angst more about getting older and less about your mom's actions/inactions. Is your mom simply the lightening rod dor your fears of aging/loss of youth?