Tips to Manage Let-Downs from Mom
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Anonymous
| I had a big birthday this week and my mother called me at 8:00 and spoke with me for less than a minute because she was commuting to work. I didn't hear from her the rest of the day. This is not unusual for my mom, who is just very selfish. I think I have pinpointed the cause of my pain with her is that she has never once gone out of her way to make me feel special. Because this has gone on for my entire life, you would think that I would be used to it by now, but once again I have allowed my birthday to be marred by her minimal acknowledgement. I have a DH and kids who made it fantastic and a bunch of friends who reached out to me. My Dad and brothers did, too. Anyone have any tips out there to get over the pain once and for all? She is not toxic, in the general sense of the word, but damn if I wish that I could just let her actions and mean-spirited ways not get to me. |
Anonymous
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You know, OP, if she were an addict and you took this to Al-Anon, you'd get a lot of support for detaching from your mom and not expecting her to change. Actually when I went to Al-Anon back in the day, I used it to detach from my mom who at the time was not the alcoholic in my life. But it really helped me set boundaries with her and disentangle my feelings from her behavior. Because of that later I was able to have a better relationship with her. (And later I figured out that she was an alcoholic - but that's another story.)
All this is to say, that even though you intellectually know you can't expect anything from your mom, you really haven't given up hoping she will change. And probably doing that would involve a fair bit of grieving --that won't feel good for awhile, but if you work through it, it will pass. I'm so sorry. You deserve better. I hope you find peace soon. |
Anonymous
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Consider this: on my birthday, the ONLY person who acknowledges it IS my mom. No friends, no spouse, no kids. I'd much rather have your situation than mine. Mine remembers my birthday because it's the day SHE gave birth. More about her than me.
Other than her, nobody acknowledges my birthday, and her acknowledging of it just highlights that for me. Especially when she's all "Did you have FUN?! Are you having a HAPPY birthday?" |
Anonymous
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I guess the thought which crosses my mind is, how old are you? This would be so low on my list of concerns at this stage in my life.
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Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| OP here. I'm 35. I'm hoping to get to a place where this is low on my list of concerns. I'm guessing that either this has never been a rough spot that you dealt with so you have no scar or that you have overcome it through time. Or maybe I'm lucky that I don't have other more pressing concerns, but I'm trying to proactive in finding a solution rather than just coming on an anonymous board to vent. |
Anonymous
Have you tried individual therapy? I am quite a bit older than you and only now started to deal with how my dysfunctional family has affected me. It can be quite freeing. |
Anonymous
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You are 35. your mom called to wish you happy birthday. I dont understand what you are upset about. Seriously.
I would start with therapy to explore your issues. You're creating a lot of drama in your head over nothing. |
Anonymous
+1. This is your issue. Your mothering not at fault here. What exactly was she supposed to do? |
Anonymous
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OP, I sympathize because I am not in that situation.
However, when ever I see posts like your complaining about parents, I can't help but think on those who insist that parents should be kept at a distance and how important "boundaries" are in dealing with them. Something that I am not able to relate to at all because my parents drop in almost without any notice and they are always welcome - we do the same with them. BTW, not suggesting that you argue for boundaries. |
Anonymous
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OP, here's my best tip:
Expect nothing from her. She is who she is and always has been. Would it be better if she were someone else? Sure. But you know who she is and don't expect any more or any less. Period. I have to do this and it works wonders on your soul. |
Anonymous
Yes. What would you like her to do? Maybe you need to tell her that, say "mom, for my birthday this year I'd like for us to go to lunch. Could we get that scheduled, it's important to me." |
Anonymous
| Interesting. To the PPs who think this is no big deal, are you close with your mothers? Do you have kids? It seems like you have pretty cold relationships with your moms, if all you want is for them to call you for less than a minute on your birthday. Who knows, I guess I am needy but am surprised that you are all so low-maintenance. |
Anonymous
| OP I have a similar relationship. The only thing that has helped is to really cut back on the contact. We talk twice a month instead of every day. We still are close when we talk, but by limiting contact, I have learned to fill that void with other supports. What she has to offer is now extra on top of that -- not the center. |
Anonymous
Can't speak for others. We just don't have anything to talk about every day. Why would my birthday be any different? She sends a card and we chat for a few minutes. I'm 35, not 5. |