Reply to Tips to Manage Let-Downs from Mom

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You know, OP, if she were an addict and you took this to Al-Anon, you'd get a lot of support for detaching from your mom and not expecting her to change.  Actually when I went to Al-Anon back in the day, I used it to detach from my mom who at the time was not the alcoholic in my life.  But it really helped me set boundaries with her and disentangle my feelings from her behavior.  Because of that later I was able to have a better relationship with her.  (And later I figured out that she was an alcoholic - but that's another story.)

All this is to say, that even though you intellectually know you can't expect anything from your mom, you really haven't given up hoping she will change.  And probably doing that would involve a fair bit of grieving --that won't feel good for awhile, but if you work through it, it will pass.

I'm so sorry.  You deserve better.  I hope you find peace soon.[/quote]

NP, I love this and think it's great advice.

I'll just add this, at the risk of sounding new-agey, but it's because I learned it myself and it was transformative:  No matter how much we intellectually understand these pains and slights as adults, and realize or see our parents as "human" and flawed as adults, there is still a child inside us who is hurting from these slights back when we were kids and these slights/hurts/actions were shaping us - for better and definitely for worse.  I spent years wondering why I kept letting myself get let down and let down by dynamics when I understood them and knew they weren't about me.  It was only when I worked on healing the little kid who DID NOT understand at the time why Mommy/Daddy/family/whoever made me feel so badly and affected how I defined myself or reacted to my world... only when I worked on going back and healing that child version of me and comforting them and just acknowledging them (plus the vital work of today as PP said, setting boundaries, working on acceptance and detachment), all that helped me to finally move on and eventually not be let down anymore.

What that "healing the child who was originally hurt" looks like is different for different people - for me it was a combo of therapy and the blessing of a best friend who constantly challenges me on why I'm hanging onto hope when there's no reason to think anything will ever change.  Al-Anon is another great resource.

Good luck OP and all in similar situations![/quote]

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