is frequent moving bad for the kids?

[Anonymous]

I get the sense that folks who are astounded that you move "so much" haven't been renters or had to do too much survival budgeting for a while, if ever.

This is sometimes just the way it is for families with modest income and rental housing. Your lease comes up, you have to move when the rent increases...or not if you can afford it. It's very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:when they're young moving makes them SMART.

they'll develop more neural connections to get used to the new environment.

when they grow older and make friends it can be painful but just staying in the same school makes things easier.

but if you're not in the military and you don't move for work.. WHY MOVE SO MUCH?

Makes them Smart? I don't know about that. When I was young I went to a different school for K-3rd, 4th, 5th-6th, 7th-8th, 9th-11th and then brand new at a high school in a new state for 12th grade. That is 6 schools. It sucks royally each time, made me shy and introverted. It is tough to go to a new school and make friends after a certain age.

I think young kids need some kind of stability and that includes a home environment, but that said all kids are different and probably have different reactions to moving dependingon how exciting it is.

If your kids are not too old I would really consider finding a place to stay before 4th grade or so. Up until Jr high things weren't too bad but after maybe 5th grade it was tough.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes life requires you to do things that wouldn't have been your first choice were it not for necessity. Kids deal and life goes on. You love them, you feed them, you keep them warm in Winter and you let them know that they will always be safe and cared for with mom and dad. Some kids might like the change of pace, others might find it intimidating. Probably worse in middle school, worse if it involves changing schools. But most of us survive our parents' grown-up decisions. When I was 7, we moved 200 miles from walkable NYC where we knew everyone to a new subdivision in MD where people and lifestyle were radically different. Didn't care for the change, but we survived. And when I left my parents' home I always lived in cities, which I prefer. No scars from their choice, which was somewhat necessary due to financial circumstances.

Sometimes I'm amazed by how high-stakes everything seems to be treated on this board. I can't recall my own parents acting as if every decision that remotely affected us required a UN resolution and consultation with six behavioral psychologists.

Your child will not suffer if your milk supply runs out two weeks before the AAP guideline period for breastfeeding
Your child will not suffer if s/he gets into the third choice school but not the first
Your child will not suffer if you choose the wrong stroller
Your child will not suffer if s/he goes to day care, or if you stay at home
Or if you don't use a sling, or if you do use a sling, or if you don't swaddle, or if you do, or if you don't circumscise, or if you do, or if you don't have a natural delivery, or if you do, or if you don't do mama and baby yoga, or if you do.............................

Really, really.

OP, if the move makes sense, your kids will be fine. If you'd like, incorporate a trip to Target for them to get a few items to decorate the new room (pictures, lamp, throw rug, whatever). Make it a treat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes life requires you to do things that wouldn't have been your first choice were it not for necessity. Kids deal and life goes on. You love them, you feed them, you keep them warm in Winter and you let them know that they will always be safe and cared for with mom and dad. Some kids might like the change of pace, others might find it intimidating. Probably worse in middle school, worse if it involves changing schools. But most of us survive our parents' grown-up decisions. When I was 7, we moved 200 miles from walkable NYC where we knew everyone to a new subdivision in MD where people and lifestyle were radically different. Didn't care for the change, but we survived. And when I left my parents' home I always lived in cities, which I prefer. No scars from their choice, which was somewhat necessary due to financial circumstances.

Sometimes I'm amazed by how high-stakes everything seems to be treated on this board. I can't recall my own parents acting as if every decision that remotely affected us required a UN resolution and consultation with six behavioral psychologists.

Your child will not suffer if your milk supply runs out two weeks before the AAP guideline period for breastfeeding
Your child will not suffer if s/he gets into the third choice school but not the first
Your child will not suffer if you choose the wrong stroller
Your child will not suffer if s/he goes to day care, or if you stay at home
Or if you don't use a sling, or if you do use a sling, or if you don't swaddle, or if you do, or if you don't circumscise, or if you do, or if you don't have a natural delivery, or if you do, or if you don't do mama and baby yoga, or if you do.............................

Really, really.

OP, if the move makes sense, your kids will be fine. If you'd like, incorporate a trip to Target for them to get a few items to decorate the new room (pictures, lamp, throw rug, whatever). Make it a treat.

Your point is a good one but obviously OP is bothered and feels concerned over their choices considering they posted the question. Decisions do have an effect on kids and perhaps our parents did not think about us enough at times. It's all a balance. Our parents smoked and drank while pregnant and did not use car seats. Really, the kids wont suffer outwardly but you have no idea what it does for their sense of security or how they will view stability when they raise their own families.

[Anonymous]

OP, would you be moving to an altogether different area, or within the same neighborhood, school district, etc.? If your oldest has started kindergarten, would he have to change schools? I think it's really not a big deal if you're moving within the same area.

[Anonymous]

I lived in the same house from when I was born until college - and then I lived part-time there while I was in law school. I am no more stable than the next girl

[Anonymous]

They will be fine. They will have their entire family with them, and the security that comes with that. I think people forget how resilient children can be, and how quickly they will adjust to things, even if there is a school change.

[Anonymous]

I don't know of any studies. Just have personal experience. I think it depends on your child's personality and where you are moving to. Is your son or daughter very introverted? Do they have to know people awhile to warm up? Are you moving someplace where it is pretty typical to have lots of new kids? Are you moving someplace that has extended family or is this a move from everyone and everything you know to go from North to South, East to West Coast etc. so your child is leaving everywhere familiar and dealing with regional differences also?

I went to 3 high schools in 4 years (parents moved, then I applied for a high school study abroad because I was that miserable). I also think they moved when I was 5 and also 10. The move when I was 5 - didn't register. I don't really remember having friends and best friends etc. until 2nd and 3rd grade. The move was tough for me in 3rd grade because I had a very introverted personality, I was ahead academically, and I didn't have any activity (like playing sports etc) that would have allowed me to really get to know a group of kids outside of the classroom. For a different kid - the move may have been nothing. For me, I think it took me 2 or 3 years for the kids to really accept me and by then I went to a different school (private) for middle school. I also think in a place where people have known people forever (this would be the high school in NC) I personally ended up being friends with other transplants to the area. By junior year in high school most people weren't interested in making new friends if they didn't have to. I thought my sister's had an easier move - being younger - moving to NC. Only years later I found out that they hated it. Long Island to Raleigh is quite the adjustment and not only that - we left ALL our extended family behind.

As to question of well-adjusted - I don't think the moves themselves made us any more or less well adjusted than other families but I think not having a support network and the issues especially the last move had on our parent's marriage did cause issues. I think at this stage for the OP - saving money and financial security makes the most sense. At 3 and 5 - I don't think they will say something like "the last time I remember being happy was at 3/5 before my parents moved to X place".

[Anonymous]

Navy brat here - moved a dozen times during my childhood. There are pros and cons to everything, including moving a lot. I don't remember the moves before about three or four years. But each move I remember was a process of learning how to fit in the best way, and be happy in the new situation in the shortest possible amount of time. The pros - I am outgoing, adaptable, independent, able to get along well with all types, deal well with new situations, went far away for college successfully, and am open to new situations without anxiety. The cons - I finally figured out as an adult what a certain sense of loss I was carrying around with me was. I spent so much energy and effort to fit in with the new people and situation, that I never had the chance to figure out who I really was. I was a chameleon in a sense, and when I went to college I saw my friends had a deep connection to their hometown and the friends they knew since kindergarten. It made me wish I had been given the time and energy to have grown up in one place, and become the person I would have without the distraction of moving. Ah well..... we all have our issues.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, I'm a school counselor and would advise against moving so much during school-age years. The impact on learning can be negative, as different school systems have different grading systems and follow state curricula differently. Additionally, it may create instability in a child's life which could negatively impact behavior, school performance, peer relationships and connection to the school community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the sense that folks who are astounded that you move "so much" haven't been renters or had to do too much survival budgeting for a while, if ever.

This is sometimes just the way it is for families with modest income and rental housing. Your lease comes up, you have to move when the rent increases...or not if you can afford it. It's very common.

BRAVO!

My parents were renters. We moved quite often, though my parents tried to stay in the school district. I went to 4 elementary schools, one middle school, and one highschool. We lived in 9 different houses in 18 years. We did not suffer, I've never thought about it until now. I can safely say my brother and sister would say the same thing. I never felt nervous or traumatized by the move. I actually loved picking my new room since I was the oldest. I usually chose the one with the most obnoxious wall paper, because this was the 1980's after all!!!

[Anonymous]

The peer reviewed evidence in the social sciences generally shows a negative impact on school aged kids from moving, (once you take into account the reasons why families are moving - sometimes it is a good idea). Military kids are generally considered "at risk" because of the frequent moves. Of course, many of them thrive as children, but it is definitely the case that the frequent moving is a source of stress for many.

Life is complicated. You don't ruin a child by moving once too many times, or "save" a child from life's problems by never moving. However, it does cause stress, and evidence shows a relationship between frequent moves and adult success once you control for the important other factors that contribute to children's later success and failure.

(to the OP - having no money also causes stress, so maybe the move is a good thing?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, I'm a school counselor and would advise against moving so much during school-age years. The impact on learning can be negative, as different school systems have different grading systems and follow state curricula differently. Additionally, it may create instability in a child's life which could negatively impact behavior, school performance, peer relationships and connection to the school community.

On the other hand, it can be a good thing. You could get into a better school. You get away from the neighbourhood bully that you never told anyone about. It is lonely, new comer is always a new comer. But in the end we all manage. And difficult experiences is what we learn from.

I am a frequent mover and I can tell you that your kid wont be 'new' kid for long. People move and in a few months there will be some other kid in the shool who is the new kid

[Anonymous]

OP, I grew up in a family that moved a fair number of times - it was easy (and actually fun sometimes) when I was younger, but horrible when we moved during middle school. Being the new kid was fun when I was little and making friends was as easy as asking who wanted to play, but it was horrible as a preteen - kids can be pretty cruel at that age, whether or not you're the new kid. Know with jobs and other concerns it isn't always to time moves around the kids' needs, but if you can, I'd urge you to avoid moving anywhere between 6th and 9th grades.

[Anonymous]

All of the supposed "facts" people are claiming on how difficult moves can be, it is astounding that people who are sharing their experiences as a military child or as a child who moved a lot all seem to think that they turned out well and even better for it.

I think all of this anxiety and control ridden parenting is really the immenent danger.