Is it rude to decline food or drinks when you are a guest?

[Anonymous]

I think it's rude to force food or drink on someone who doesn't want it.

And I really, really hate the idea that there's something inherently rude about declining something unwanted. IT SHOULD BE OK TO SAY NO. And when someone says no, RESPECT THAT BOUNDARY.

[Anonymous]

No one has to accept food, but most people say yes to some water. It is a social gesture.

[Anonymous]

In some cultures yes. I would never say no to tea in an Indian or Persian household, for example.

But for Americans, I think it depends on the time of day and how long you're staying. If you're just popping by at 3pm, not having anything probably wouldn't garner much attention. But if you were specifically invited over during a meal time, or defacto tea time, or you're staying for more than an hour, then it would be odd if you aren't going to at least have a glass of water and take a nibble of whatever the host has brought out.

There was one woman we had over several times and all she would accept was water - she almost accepted tea once, but after looking in our kitchen said no thanks. I wasn't sure what to make of it. I thought maybe she's ultra organic/raw in her diet or something, but turns out she's orthodox kosher and can't have even boiled water from our kitchen. If you have some serious reason for not being able to accept something as simple as water or tea, say so! In the absence of an explanation, yes it does seem odd.

[Anonymous]

I think I am the pushy mom who will keep offering food and drink to guests. I just want to make sure that I have not neglected my guests. (Besides I really do like my guests!)

However, I am fine if someone says that they just want water, because then I have done my duty as a hostess and seen to their comfort. I am also fine if someone says that they will help themselves if they need something, because then I feel that they are comfortable enough in my house to do so.

I have so many friends who cannot drink milk or milk products, juice, cola, caffeine, sugar, splenda - etc. that frankly there is not much I can offer but water! Now, if I could lay my hands of fresh green coconuts...that would be a game-changer.

[Anonymous]

No. Your friend has issues. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Your friend has issues. Not your problem.

Really, PP? For being a good and solicitous host? You are a rude person and your response is classless.

OP, no one has a problem, your friend is being a good host, you can be a good guest by saying "Thank you, I would be lovely to have a glass of water with no ice, but nothing else to eat or drink. I just ate a snack and I am full"

I think you were not asking how to be rude, but how to graciously decline.

[Anonymous]

My job brings me to people's homes all the time, and often times they offer me non-alcoholic drinks. I almost always say no, except for the occasional water.

The one time I regret and felt awkward about saying no was when a woman put a glass of ice and a can of soda in front of me, but she did it so silently and slowly and with such precision that I thought surely she was getting it for herself or someone else. I didn't drink it, and I think it offended her. I also think it was a cultural thing. Oops!

[Anonymous]

I'm from the midwest. I was raised to offer food/drink to guests and even if they declined, we were to provide a beverage. My parents are children of the Depression. They and their families remember difficult times when people didn't always have enough to eat. There was a real reluctance to acknowledge you didn't have enough food. To spare your guest embarassent, you were to offer food and whether it was accepted or not, you were to provide your guest with something. Guests were free to partake or not. If the ate/drank all the food, you always refilled the plate/glass until your guest didn't finish what he had.

I think this is a common tradition in cultures that remember hunger/need/want. I didn't experience times of hunger but I do remember people not having enough money because of unemployment. It's why I was taught not to open presents at birthday parties because you wouldn't want to embarass a guest who provided a more modest gift or didn't bring one at all. My parents and grandparents insisted birthday parties were for fun and socializing, not presents. No one was to be embarassed because they didn't have enough money for a present or to feel pressured to spend money they couldn't spare.

I'm teaching my kids these same lessons because they're good life lessons. Not everyone, even in this affluent area, has enough.

[Anonymous]

I was raised that it's rude not to offer your guests food and drink, but no one ever pushed the issue if the guest said no.

I have social anxiety, which partly manifests in having trouble eating or drinking in front of people I don't know. For me this often becomes an issue at work functions. I'm usually more comfortable in someone's home but if the gathering involves people I don't know well I would likely say no or only accept a glass of water. If the food/drink was readily accessible (i.e., a cheese plate on the coffee table or whatever) I might help myself as I grow more comfortable with my surroundings.

[Anonymous]

Is it rude to decline within Indian culture? We have some lovely Indian friends who, even when we are out in a restaurant, urge us all to take a bite of the appetizer, try a bit of this, try a bit of theirs, please take the last piece of that, etc. I am always like, "Oh no, thank you, I'm fine, but thank you so much," but now I wonder if that, within Indian culture, this would be perceived as rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend and every time I am at her home she is non stop asking if I want food, drinks, etc. I say no thanks but she keeps offering until I finally say "yes I'll have a piece of watermelon".

It's ok to say no. She is just very polite.

[Anonymous]

It's rude to say "No." If you say "no," it's a criticism -- you think I am too dirty or a bad cook or too poor to share food with. Just accept something and then take a sip or a bite and leave the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Your friend has issues. Not your problem.

You have issues. Is everything so hostile, really?

OP, your friend might be from a generous background. It might not at all be cultural, it might just be how she was raised. Is this such a big deal? Just say no, thank you if you mean no, thank you - and be done with it. It's NOT a big deal, people.

Oh, and welcome to D.C. Little issues are made enormous and big issues are minimized.

[Anonymous]

This is because everyone else's kitchen is a germ farm, right?

Just accept the cup of tea, for God's sake, and take a couple sips. It won't kill you to be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend and every time I am at her home she is non stop asking if I want food, drinks, etc. I say no thanks but she keeps offering until I finally say "yes I'll have a piece of watermelon".

It's ok to say no. She is just very polite.

+1 This is absolutely true, from experience. In some echelons, it is considered rude NOT to ask!