"Vacation" with Il's

[Anonymous]

We did a theme park trip with the in-laws. Disclaimer: My in-laws are actually pretty great, but still my DH tends to close up around them and get difficult. Visits to their home are always tense because we're kind of stuck there. This actually worked out great; we had plenty of time to be together, but also plenty of distractions, and there was a need for rest time that didn't always correlate and that's was OK too. Highly recommend something like that for everyone's comfort and happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Paying for one's own vacation. This is what grown-ups do. You can vacation in the same location together if you would consider going there anyway.

Make sure going with inlaws doesn't equal a "free" vacation.
DH might be wanting to economize.

We do, thanks. I am sorry for whatever your issues might be. Thanks for pretending to know whom you are addressing.

On second thought, is this MIL??!!

I like the theme park idea. I just don't know how to promote change in a family that is so. very. set. in. their. ways.

Other PP, I really like the idea of making the vacation plans myself, just to guarantee we get positive family time instead of well, the alternative.

[Anonymous]

OP-- who plans the vacations and where does the assumption that they care coming even come from?

Just plan your vacation for the week. If ILs mention vacation say that you've already booked the Disney trip (or whatever you want) for the week but how about Rehobeth for Memorial Day?

[Anonymous]

OP, if they don't like your suggestion, then it's a take-it-or-leave-it situation and they've decided to "leave it." Just because they have emotional tantrums doesn't mean you have to give in. You, your husband, and your kids deserve to have a quality vacation with just you, not with your in-laws. Your in-laws can wish that you would put their desires ahead of your own, but they cannot require that you do so. Offer them a reasonable alternative for a long weekend and then just go ahead and plan a nuclear family trip for your week of vacation. If they don't like it, so what?

[Anonymous]

If the IL are clickish & you're not apart of the click then don't do it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I love the support, thank you. I really needed it. I swear, I am counting the days until next summer's hell.

PP, they are definitely cliquey - I never thought of it that way. Its their way or its their way. Period. They have always been that way. You should have seen them at the wedding and any other life event - wow! The good news is, after their emotional tantrums (another accurate great phrase by the way, PP!), I knew what to expect, so they ruined anything else for themselves. If anyone shows you their true colors - believe them!

They would never go with a long weekend idea. But I guess that would be their problem. The issue I am trying to get around, is that MIL checks with SILs for their desirable vacation date, based around their other (!!!) vacations, and contrived excuses. So we get no say, because that is how MIL wants it. The place and date change every year, but are approximately the same.

For us, it is extremely difficult; because, as parents of young children know, if you want to book camp, you need to do so in December and pay ahead of time. Not that MIL would care about any of this, as it does not have to do with SILs. DCs love/prefer a certain camp, and will only go with their buddies, so this is a priority, as those who face similar scheduling challenges are familiar.

SILs children are grown, and more often than not refuse to stay the whole week, even after SILs dates have been requested. So the grown children are much less of a consideration, given their age, etc. One would think this is clear, especially after a few years of it.

SILs children became REALLY, REALLY angry at the suggestion of our children (corresponding genders) sharing a room with them; as MIL insists on putting our children together, in spite of the fact that they are DEFINITELY, and very obviously, too old to have mixed gender rooms.

Gosh, the more I talk about this, the more it comes to light how awful and inconsiderate MIL really is. She doesn't even consider us. It is as if she wants to brag when we don't show up! Certainly it must be me

It helps to talk about this, thank you. I just don't want to give in again and sacrifice my only vacation time with my nuclear family. If MIL knew what a sacrifice it was, she would LOVE it.

I think she feels someone, somewhere REALLY REALLY wronged her. Well before I came along.

[Anonymous]

If indeed you are paying your own way, why aren't you getting your own way?

[Anonymous]

OP, might I suggest that you begin now to plan for camps lessons, activities, etc. for your children for this the summer. When you MIL announces the date, you'll have a convenient "out" because Larla will be at Space Camp that week and Both will be at karate lessons the following two weeks.

Your MIL needs to learn that your family has other considerations and commitments beyond this hellish vacation. She likely needs to hear the word no on occasion, too!

I have a similar make and model! My MIL would also toss out a date, make reservations and expect us to drop everything and go on vacation with her entire family. We did a few years and it was miserable! We sidestepped the whole idea when my DH and I started new jobs and no longer had the luxury of ample vacation time. We now take one vacation with just our family (DW|DW|DCs) and sometimes, the ILs will take one of our kids away with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, might I suggest that you begin now to plan for camps lessons, activities, etc. for your children for this the summer. When you MIL announces the date, you'll have a convenient "out" because Larla will be at Space Camp that week and Both will be at karate lessons the following two weeks.

Your MIL needs to learn that your family has other considerations and commitments beyond this hellish vacation. She likely needs to hear the word no on occasion, too!

I have a similar make and model! My MIL would also toss out a date, make reservations and expect us to drop everything and go on vacation with her entire family. We did a few years and it was miserable! We sidestepped the whole idea when my DH and I started new jobs and no longer had the luxury of ample vacation time. We now take one vacation with just our family (DW|DW|DCs) and sometimes, the ILs will take one of our kids away with them.

I second this.

If I understand what you've described correctly, your MIL (and the rest of them, from the sounds of it) aren't happy if you go on this annual trip with them. And neither are you or your kids. It sounds like the only reasons you go are 1. DH's sense of obligation and 2. to play nice to an MIL who isn't going to be any closer or kinder to you for having done it. (And possibly 3. to avoid dealing with unpleasantness from not going?) So the only one who would be sorry that you wouldn't go would be maybe DH - I wonder if an expectations vs. reality conversation would be useful, since he doesn't really seem to get the bonding experience from it that they claim will happen.

Your kids are only kids once - this is a time ripe with potential for making memories that sound way more meaningful and loving than these past family trips have been. Your obligation to please others ends when it isn't mutual anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If indeed you are paying your own way, why aren't you getting your own way?

+1. I wouldn't put up with this even if I wasn't paying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, might I suggest that you begin now to plan for camps lessons, activities, etc. for your children for this the summer. When you MIL announces the date, you'll have a convenient "out" because Larla will be at Space Camp that week and Both will be at karate lessons the following two weeks.

Your MIL needs to learn that your family has other considerations and commitments beyond this hellish vacation. She likely needs to hear the word no on occasion, too!

I have a similar make and model! My MIL would also toss out a date, make reservations and expect us to drop everything and go on vacation with her entire family. We did a few years and it was miserable! We sidestepped the whole idea when my DH and I started new jobs and no longer had the luxury of ample vacation time. We now take one vacation with just our family (DW|DW|DCs) and sometimes, the ILs will take one of our kids away with them.

I second this.

If I understand what you've described correctly, your MIL (and the rest of them, from the sounds of it) aren't happy if you go on this annual trip with them. And neither are you or your kids. It sounds like the only reasons you go are 1. DH's sense of obligation and 2. to play nice to an MIL who isn't going to be any closer or kinder to you for having done it. (And possibly 3. to avoid dealing with unpleasantness from not going?) So the only one who would be sorry that you wouldn't go would be maybe DH - I wonder if an expectations vs. reality conversation would be useful, since he doesn't really seem to get the bonding experience from it that they claim will happen.

Your kids are only kids once - this is a time ripe with potential for making memories that sound way more meaningful and loving than these past family trips have been. Your obligation to please others ends when it isn't mutual anymore.

OP here. I love this, thank you. I will mention part of this to DH. I am very grateful. Clearly I need all the help I can get. I am at my wit's end. It is very hard to not have a vacation to look forward to, as you can imagine.

[Anonymous]

OP again, PP struck a chord with me, because MIL is a wolf in sheep's clothing. While she does not LOOK like your average bully, she certainly is!

[Anonymous]

They would never go with a long weekend idea. But I guess that would be their problem. The issue I am trying to get around, is that MIL checks with SILs for their desirable vacation date, based around their other (!!!) vacations, and contrived excuses. So we get no say, because that is how MIL wants it. The place and date change every year, but are approximately the same.....

...SILs children became REALLY, REALLY angry at the suggestion of our children (corresponding genders) sharing a room with them; as MIL insists on putting our children together, in spite of the fact that they are DEFINITELY, and very obviously, too old to have mixed gender rooms.

I don't understand why you believe you have no say. You do. If the dates she wants don't work for you then don't go - or go for the portion that does work for you. If your DH can't say no then he can go and your DC can go to the camps they want to go to.

I also don't understand why your mixed gender kids can't share a room. You do realize that in most of the world, siblings share a room. In fact, my 4 siblings and I shared a room until my brothers were in high school. The only reason we got separate rooms after that was because we moved to a different house. On vacations, though, we all shared one room or one tent.

[Anonymous]

"In other cultures....." YAWN. I heard this phrase QUITE enough while breastfeeding, thank you. Take it to that forum, please.

And if its not a tent, but an oversized beach house that MIL paid too much for? For the elevator no one uses? To cross a highway to get to the beach? You know, the house that abuts three parking lots? The house where SILs and their offspring get to choose their individual rooms; but DH and his family are expected to sleep in one bed? Yeah, that one. No, thanks.

If I have one week of vacation, that is not my idea of how to spend it. You can keep it.

[Anonymous]

Can you at least cut the trip down to 3 days even if they are staying a week? So tell them you can only go Saturday to Monday, and then for the rest of the week go off by yourselves to a nearby place (a different beach on the same coast) or a nearby city. Like if they are all in Bethany then go to Lewes or Cape May. Or if they are in San Diego then head up to LA. Would that work? It sounds like SIL's kids only stay for 3 days so you should too. Or at the very least, stay in your own condo! I could not imagine staying in the same place with other people for vacation. Ugh!