Do you lose friendships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am no longer close to anyone from high school and envy my old classmates. I don't know how they managed to keep such close friendships.

They stopped growing as people?

Are you suggesting that's how people stay close over the years? Other theories might be: they're good at keeping in touch, good at making true connections, good at prioritizing their life and relationships.

It's been suggested on this thread and others that if you stay close with old friends, it's because you're not growing or changing. That's a sad outlook.
That's typical DCUM though -- even criticizing people for having friends.

Yes, DCUM, lots of us have close friends, best friends, and we've had some of them a very long time.

[Anonymous]

I'm learning to end friendships. I used to think that I had to push and force relationships with people because they were my friends. Now that I'm well into my 30s, it's easier to see that people come and go, and it's not a bad thing to let them (or even show them the door).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm learning to end friendships. I used to think that I had to push and force relationships with people because they were my friends. Now that I'm well into my 30s, it's easier to see that people come and go, and it's not a bad thing to let them (or even show them the door).

If this seems like a healthy goal to you then you might want to start asking yourself why you choose the friends you do. Strange attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am still best friends with my friends from high school and I am in my mid-30s. I think it's normal for friendships to fade but if you have a history of friendship break-ups, I think something else might be going on.

When you say best friends with your high school friends, what does that mean exactly?
- Do you still confide in each other about every aspect of your lives? Is there any part of your life that they don't know about?
- Have you all matured and grown in the same direction since you were teenagers? Really? High school sweethearts don't last precisely because people change as they become adults - it's usually the same with friendships too.
- Do you still have a lot in your present that you have in common, or is it more a friendship based on a shared history?

I"m thinking of 3 different women who are all my best friends from high school (one didn't go to my high school but we've been friends since 5th grade).
To answer your first question:
--1. Yes, we talk just about everyday. She is married to my DH's close friend and they live 15 minutes from us, and she literally knows everything about me. 2. We talk about once a month but text a lot. She doesn't know the everyday details of my life but there is absolutely nothing important that she doesn't know. 3. We talk about once a month and there's nothing I wouldn't tell her, but there are some things I don't think she always understands anymore.

Second question
--1 and 2. We really have pretty much grown in the same direction. SImilar careers, similar-aged kids, similar parenting styles, and our DHs are close friends. We're not identical but the differences we have are not so great that we can't relate to each other. 3. Sort of, but not exactly. She's chosen to live in a community that is somewhat different than what I've chosen, and while we resepct each other I think we both think we could never live where the other one lives.

Third question: For all three, I think we do have a lot in our present that we have in common. ONe of them lives close by and the other two we vacation with and spend weekends with 3-4 times a year. OUr kids adore each other. It's very fun.

I have plenty of newer friends too but there is soemthing about someone who has known you forever that feels really good. On the other hand, I do think they sometimes don't acknowledge how much I've changed, and sometimes we bicker like sisters. In fact, I'd say these relationships are closer to family relationships than friendships at this point. Perhaps that's why they have lasted so long, more like sibling relationships do, despite how much we all change and grow.

You seem to not believe this is possible or healthy b/c it hasn't happened to you, OP, but everyone's experiences are different. I've made and lost plenty of friends over the years as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, how do you have time to talk every day to a friend?

[Anonymous]

Sorry, meant PP, not OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my early 30s and am beginning to learn the painful lesson of acknowledging different types of friendships for what they are. I had one friendship completely dissolve, and a couple other become "downgraded" as the article suggests. I've decided on quality over quantity, and haven't rushed to make more just yet. It's hard building new friendships and trust, esp in older child-bearing and demanding career years when there is less time to invest.

[Anonymous]

I personally think it is the luck of the draw.

I have a BFF that I have had since high school, but back then we were simply classmates that only chatted in class, then after school on the telephone.

Our friendship actually has flourished over the years and I just attribute it all to good luck.

Because honestly, all the people I hung out w/as "friends" in high school, the ones I ate lunch w/and walked home w/after school, etc. I didn't stay in touch w/longer than say...3 years after graduation. We just drifted apart + I think that is because we never had much in common in the first place AND the friendships weren't sincere to begin with.

Do not feel bad at all OP. Again, it's all based on luck.
Some meet their best friends sooner, others later in life.

Just like their mates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to this article it is more common than we know: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-friendship-doctor/201009/the-dirty-little-secret-most-women-dont-talk-about

Friendships don't always last forever, and I am starting accept that just now. I have never had trouble making friends, but keeping the close, tight, best-friend bond after 8 years is not easy. I have one good friend from elementary school but there were long periods - like up to 5 years - where we were just not in contact at all because we had fallen out of touch.

But when I go to parties and I see men and women drinking with their best friends from high school, and they are all as close now as they were then, it stings me a little inside. Is this sincere, what I'm seeing? We are in our early thirties and you still say your friend from high school is your "BFF"? Haven't you grown or changed since then?

If we can admit that we out-grow relationships, why don't we admit that we out-grow friendships? A relationship is supposed to be an even more intimate bond than a friendship.

Just curious if I am alone in thinking about this topic.

I have one close friend from HS. We have gone years without seeing each other. We recently have managed to get together a few times this year and we just picked up where we left off.

So no, I do not expect to talk to her 5xs a day, but we are content with the way it is. It's like an old married couple, we are at ease together, but don't have to fill the space with a bunch of nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it is the luck of the draw.

I have a BFF that I have had since high school, but back then we were simply classmates that only chatted in class, then after school on the telephone.

Our friendship actually has flourished over the years and I just attribute it all to good luck.

Because honestly, all the people I hung out w/as "friends" in high school, the ones I ate lunch w/and walked home w/after school, etc. I didn't stay in touch w/longer than say...3 years after graduation. We just drifted apart + I think that is because we never had much in common in the first place AND the friendships weren't sincere to begin with.

Do not feel bad at all OP. Again, it's all based on luck.
Some meet their best friends sooner, others later in life.

Just like their mates.

I disagree. Don't you know people who have no long-lasting friendships at all and others who have plenty? It's not luck; it's character, personality, and effort. Some people are good at making and keeping friends and some people aren't.

The good news is, you can always learn to be a good friend and you could meet a wonderful new friend tomorrow. It's never too late.

[Anonymous]

I'm married, early 40's (okay, almost mid-40's), male, and I hardly have time to think. With work, my commute, my children and their homework I rarely ever even watch TV!

I only have a couple of people in my world that I would consider my "friends" and the rest are only acquaintances. My wife, on the other hand, is a stay at home mom and she has all kinds of friends. Of course, I may be confusing some of her acquaintances as her friends, but hers far outweigh mine.

With everyone being so busy all of the time, when do people find time to meet people, let alone befriend them? And, NO, I'm not asking how to covertly meet other women! I'm just curious to know how everyone else meets people and becomes friends with them.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine ANY of my friendships of 5-40 years running their course. Even though I have moved to America from England (12 years now) I still keep in touch with my friends over there and call and see or have them over when I visit. I value all the friendships I have made here too. This simply cannot understand this concept. It may be cultural though.

[Anonymous]

I'm 29 and only have 1 friend left from high school..an ex bf of all people. We're horrible as a couple and have moved on with other people but nostalgia over first love kinda keeps that friendship alive...we genuinely want to see the other happy and do well.

I don't keep in touch with anybody else from high school, college or even my first job out of college. It seems like when you move on to new phases you have less in common with those in the previous phase and just lose things to talk about.

[Anonymous]

i have a best friend from when i was 12 and then 2 friends from HS years that are my close friends. we have different things in common, but there's a deep bond that is like the one i have with my blood sister (who has become a great friend as adults. i have also lost a few friendships along the way.