Rekindled Romance w/ Workaholic BF - What Would You Do?

[Anonymous]

The two of you have very different values. He values building a career and wealth. You value the time together. This combination will make it hard for both of you to be happy.

[Anonymous]

What stands out for me is the fact he did not have a plan for either how he can spend time with you while working 24-7 or how the extra weekend work helps a combined future (like a downpayment to the house) or an end date for the weekend work(like 1 year). At the stage you guys are at (just getting back together) it makes sense to me that the job decision is one he makes on his own. However, you have enough history together that he should take into account how it impacts you and not take for granted that you are available what we few hours he can spare from working. The other thing of note is how he reacted to you bringing this topic up. Assuming you were calm, making it seem like you are a control freak for wanting to spend some quality time isn't cool.

I guess bottom line is take a hard look and ask yourself can I live with X behaviors for the next 20 years? if the answer is no you need to state your point and let him know it is a deal breaker. I'm sure there is a woman that doesn't mind not seeing her boyfriend and it won't make her feel that she isn't a priority. That same women won't bring up the topic so she won't ever be accused of being controlling. That woman isn't you. I think of the line for My Best Friend's wedding "Creme Brûlée can never be Jell-O You could never be Jell-O". You each have to find the person that is compatible. Either you are naturally compatible or you are each willing to bend enough to meet in the middle to bridge differences without feeling you changed too much from who you are in the process.

[Anonymous]

OP - did you ask why he took on the 2nd job?

[Anonymous]

You need to get some self respect. He's showing that he's bored and unchallenged by taking on a weekend job. Give him and ultimatum for marriage and if he doesn't go for it, move on and be very strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,
The problem is we got together under the pretense that we'd be able to spend quality time together and work on strengthening our relationship. This was a mutual agreement. He then turns around, negates that agreement and gets a second job which will bring him to a nearly 60 hour work-week that doesn't leave much time for patching up a relationship.

So then ask him and state exactly what you wrote here:

"Larlo, when we got back together, my understanding was that we would focus on spending more time together and strengthening our relationship. You then accepted a job which now means you are working about 60 hours a week. Can you explain how we are supposed to spend quality time together if you're at work full-time 7 days a week?

Then sit and listen. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, then say, "It looks like we have different understandings of how this relationship was supposed to work. I love you and care for you deeply. However, I can't be in a relationship with you right now. I wish you well."

What a terrible advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What stands out for me is the fact he did not have a plan for either how he can spend time with you while working 24-7 or how the extra weekend work helps a combined future (like a downpayment to the house) or an end date for the weekend work(like 1 year). At the stage you guys are at (just getting back together) it makes sense to me that the job decision is one he makes on his own. However, you have enough history together that he should take into account how it impacts you and not take for granted that you are available what we few hours he can spare from working. The other thing of note is how he reacted to you bringing this topic up. Assuming you were calm, making it seem like you are a control freak for wanting to spend some quality time isn't cool.

I guess bottom line is take a hard look and ask yourself can I live with X behaviors for the next 20 years? if the answer is no you need to state your point and let him know it is a deal breaker. I'm sure there is a woman that doesn't mind not seeing her boyfriend and it won't make her feel that she isn't a priority. That same women won't bring up the topic so she won't ever be accused of being controlling. That woman isn't you. I think of the line for My Best Friend's wedding "Creme Brûlée can never be Jell-O You could never be Jell-O". You each have to find the person that is compatible. Either you are naturally compatible or you are each willing to bend enough to meet in the middle to bridge differences without feeling you changed too much from who you are in the process.

This is great advice!

[Anonymous]

"That was me from 21-33; if I had idle time I filled it with work. I worked construction during the day, went to school at night and worked in restaurants on the weekends.

Your 20's are supposed to be spent hustling; your boyfriend probably has a goal in mind and should be praised for it.

My gf 's all grew to hate that I worked so much, but their parents without question all loved me.

It won't be easy for about a decade but you can both talk about the hard times in your beach house. Nearly every worthwhile thing a man can accomplish must be done before he turns 40."

Presumable, you took the time to politely explain what your goals were and how your work fit into meeting them. And you were willing to be flexible and take off from time to time to meet a girlfriend's needs (to do something that was important to her, or be there when she needed you.) If so, that's a different scenario from OP's boyfriend not discussing anything with her and being angry and turning the argument against her when she raised the issue. And if not, you were behaving like an *ss.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the OP of the thread this morning about my excellent house-husband and how lonely I am in the relationship. A few years ago, before we were engaged, we broke up because he had slowly become a workaholic -- he was bringing all this work home and working 60-70 hour weeks where when we were first dating, he was essentially a 9-5er. It's a little more complicated, but basically it was clear that he was escaping the relationship and also from some other family stressors that had nothing to do with me.

When he asked me to get back together, we had a "honeymoon period" in which he was in therapy and extremely emotionally accessible. And then we got married and he disappeared again into a different kind of workaholism, around the house. See where I am now with a young child with him, lonely as hell, desperately lonely, and how angry and defensive he is when I bring it up?

Maybe he just has different priorities than you. Or maybe he's just not capable of the kind of emotional intimacy that you crave. But I think he is very clearly showing you who he is right now. In my mind, two people who are in an exclusive romantic relationship talk about their goals and make huge decisions like this together. Sounds like you think that, too, and it sounds like your BF does not at all share that vision. I think you have the information you need to make the best decision for you right now. I don't wish on you the kind of loneliness I lead every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-
I have brought it up exactly how the PP suggested. I was very calm, respectful and non-confrontational about it, but he immediately jumps to being extremely defensive & acting like I'm some crazy, control-freak girlfriend for feeling this way. I just wanted to see if I really am over reacting, or if others would feel hurt as well.

I'm sorry, but he's not as committed to this relationship as you are.

[Anonymous]

This is one of these situations where I can see both sides.

On one hand, I can see why your feelings would be hurt by him not talking to your beforehand and asking you how you would feel about him working more hours, etc. I can see why you would feel that by accepting this new position, it may seem that he is not putting your relationship high on his priority list.

On the other hand, I can see your boyfriend as being a very ambitious and career-driven individual. He has no dependents and is not married and is still young so he is at a life stage where he can make his own independent decisions and opt to do what he wants to do and doesn't personally feel he is accountable to anyone but himself.

I think neither of you are in the wrong here, what you both should do is have a sit down, heart-to-heart talk and just see where the conversation goes.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of these situations where I can see both sides.

On one hand, I can see why your feelings would be hurt by him not talking to your beforehand and asking you how you would feel about him working more hours, etc. I can see why you would feel that by accepting this new position, it may seem that he is not putting your relationship high on his priority list.

On the other hand, I can see your boyfriend as being a very ambitious and career-driven individual. He has no dependents and is not married and is still young so he is at a life stage where he can make his own independent decisions and opt to do what he wants to do and doesn't personally feel he is accountable to anyone but himself.

I think neither of you are in the wrong here, what you both should do is have a sit down, heart-to-heart talk and just see where the conversation goes.

Good luck.

While he is free to make his work decisions independently of girlfriend, I think it is reasonable that he consider the impact on his relationship especially if this is someone he envisions that he could marry someday.

To the guy that posted how he was a workaholic until 40, I just keep picturing these guys on the Millionaire Matchmaker that are late 40's and Patty is asking "why love now". But at that point they are going for the 25 year olds but for LTR can easily find an early 30's woman who is ready to settle down and have a family right away. A woman can't suddenly say at 40 something I'm ready to slow down in my career and meet someone and have kids now. The guy that has never had kids and wants kids will likely go for a younger woman and the ones her age and older that have kids probably consider themselves done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,
The problem is we got together under the pretense that we'd be able to spend quality time together and work on strengthening our relationship. This was a mutual agreement. He then turns around, negates that agreement and gets a second job which will bring him to a nearly 60 hour work-week that doesn't leave much time for patching up a relationship.

So then ask him and state exactly what you wrote here:

"Larlo, when we got back together, my understanding was that we would focus on spending more time together and strengthening our relationship. You then accepted a job which now means you are working about 60 hours a week. Can you explain how we are supposed to spend quality time together if you're at work full-time 7 days a week?

Then sit and listen. If his answer doesn't satisfy you, then say, "It looks like we have different understandings of how this relationship was supposed to work. I love you and care for you deeply. However, I can't be in a relationship with you right now. I wish you well."

What a terrible advice.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to get some self respect. He's showing that he's bored and unchallenged by taking on a weekend job. Give him and ultimatum for marriage and if he doesn't go for it, move on and be very strong.

This is terrible advice!

Why would you want to be married to someone who doesn't want to spend time with you?????

This is the "honeymoon" phase, where you put your best face forward. If this is his best, then RUN. He won't be there when you need him or be there if you have children. Is that want you want, a sperm donor and a paycheck? Sorry, I would rather have a person in my life than a paycheck.

You are fully aware of his behavior, so if you choose to continue seeing him, don't whine about it later like some of the other posters on DCUM.

I would speak to him about WHY you are breaking up with him, so he knows if he wants to have a successful relationship with any woman, he needs to be present.