Cousins sent nasty emails to my elderly mom....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the aunt told a different story to her children. 2 sides to every story...

Nope. Three sides to every story. You may never know your Aunt's reasons for giving the silver to her children, but it is pretty clear they don't want your side to have it. Let it go. It sound like a relationship with your cousins is not more important?

My mom and Uncle are the only two siblings. My Uncle got everything that belonged to my Grandparents. Houses, cars, jewelry, photos, heirlooms, anything and everything. Probably worth a few million. I do think my mom talked her mom (Grandmother) out of Grandmother's jewelry. But in all fairness, the other side got everything else. No matter that I am not close to my mom, she was treated like she didn't exist. She should have learned, but instead did the same with my sibling. Whether or not it should, it causes huge problems. I would rather have the relationship with my cousins than get involved, frankly.

[Anonymous]

This all sounds a big mess. I would stay out of it. Don't call or email your aunt or cousins about it. Be supportive towards your mom but realize that there are a lot of factors at play that you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your Mom should copy any of the nasty emails - lump them together and respond with a short apology for any misunderstanding (not that she was in the wrong)

No. Don't have her respond to them at all. They will just lash out again.

[Anonymous]

OP here: thank you all for responding...it's helped me at least just let a little more time go by and NOT respond to anyone other than to talk to my mom. I WON'T be contacting any of my family because...well, there just isn't any really good way to go about it.

But. A few things. First, my mom was close to her mother. We lived on the east coast and my mom and aunt lived where they all grew up in California. But my mom did have a close relationship with her mom...she traveled yearly to see us, vacationed together etc, etc.... Second my mom only wanted the silver for sentimental value and only because my aunt said to her (unprompted when talking about her move) that she would be "getting rid of it." If she had said to my mom at that point that she'd be giving it to her daughter my mom would have been fine with it. I think my mom responded to her with the off the cuff remark when she realized that instead of being upfront with my mom she just planned to give the silver to someone else and not tell my mom.

The uncle was known as well by my mom as my aunt, and not well known by the kids in either family. My aunt got the silver because she was on a road trip with my uncle and they stopped by the uncle's house (after he was deceased) to say hello to the third wife and she gave them the silver to "keep it in the family."

Main thing is...the silver isn't really the issue. The content of the messages sent to my mom are what is upsetting. Yes, my mom should have responded more nicely to my aunt about the silver. If she felt frustrated by the decision she could definitely have communicated that better. But my female cousin (the one who was given the silver) wrote to my mom that she is a "bitter and unhappy person," and many other just really mean, and inaccurate things. Like I said, they don't even see her! It's literally been years since this cousin saw my mom. My aunt and my mom are "close," at least superficially. They spent two months in Hawaii this past winter together. They have gotten on each other's nerves here and there through the years but have never openly fought and my mom is stunned that aunt must have been saying crazy things to her kids about her. It has to come from my aunt because they simply have not been around my mom since they were kids enough to know her all that well.

Oh, and the uncle died 20 years ago too...the silver issue only come up at all because my aunt is moving to an old folks home (essentially) and said she was getting rid of a bunch of stuff. I just can't believe these people who say such mean things to my poor mom!

[Anonymous]

Why doesn't your mom forward the awful emails to her sister and ask her what's up? If she just spent two months with her, she should be comfortable just asking her own sister what in the world is going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't your mom forward the awful emails to her sister and ask her what's up? If she just spent two months with her, she should be comfortable just asking her own sister what in the world is going on.

This is a good question and when I was talking to my mom I told her I thought she should contact aunt...apologize for snapping at her, express that she could have communicated her frustration better and that she was sorry she upset her...and then also tell her sister about the messages. My mom doesn't know if her sister even knows about the messages. The problem is that if this had just stayed between my mom and aunt which I firmly, firmly believe it should have I don't think my mom would feel so reluctant to call and just apologize and straighten things out. After reading the things in the messages...that she's angry and bitter, mean and unhappy, responsible for her mother living a long lonely life etc...she feels more reluctant. She feels like this obviously has been brewing under the surface for a long time. Like, if these people think these things about her and would say it with such little provocation...who are they really? You know?

My mom and her sister kind of have a relationship that is friendly...they talk once a month or so and have vacationed together a number of times in retirement...including the winter in Hawaii...but she also feels that in their relationship there is something of a superficiality...it would be hard to explain but is based on their different personalities etc... My aunt has done other things that have upset my mom, but she usually keeps her mouth shut. My mom is a pretty non-confrontational person by nature.

I mean...it's truly weird and from left field from our perspective. My mom said when she got the message from the male cousin she actually wondered if he'd started drinking again. (he's sober for some years).

[Anonymous]

Oh and by the way, my aunt did send the silver (the nasty messages came within hours of the phone conversation)...not that my mom really wants it at this point!