Inlaws suddenly very hostile towards me, help

[Anonymous]

What is your husband saying to them behind your back?

[Anonymous]

Time for you and family to stay in a hotel (no drama, just do it) Time-together can be scheduled as their manners permit.

[Anonymous]

Words DH needs to use: "She is my wife, and I love her just the way he is, and I won't listen to you talk about her this way. And if the kids ever hear you criticizing their mom again, there will be consequences. You hurt my wife and owe her an apology."

You: "DH, I need you to realize I am not managing your parents for you anymore. Cards, photos of friends, presents, Mother's Day, calls, figuring out visits...that is your job, and I am not doing it for you anymore."

[Anonymous]

How is your relationship with your husband?

Me thinks he is bad mouthing you and they are relaying the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Odds are this has been going on all along and your kids are just old enough now to eavesdrop and report back. Definitely get your husband involved - both to figure out if something happened or if this was always the case. And, more importantly, to tell them that if they can't keep their big mouths shut in front of the kids they won't be seeing the kids. Totally appalling.

Keep in mind that even if they've always felt this way, it's a reflection on them, not you.

This.
Your husband needs to stand up for you. If not, minimize contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Critical of parenting = my FIL complaining my children are too energetic, that they eat better when they are with them (inlaws kept them for 2 nights), that I cannot discipline them well, that they have bad manners, Etc

Critical of me = I don't talk to them and engage them enough that I am boring that I don't look them in the eye all the time, etc.

My children are very energetic, this is why I stopped after 2, didn't want to risk a 3rd like this, ILs constantly say the kids are exactly like DH was as a kid, just need to run run run run, talk talk talk talk. Energetic isn't necessarily naughty, they aren't being terrible. They just need to be outside a lot. And they are disciplined, systematically, routinely, etc. I am not a pushover with kids. I don't let my kids call the shots. They are expected to behave, face consequences, I follow through. But they do need a ton of physical activity because I can't understand why they have so much energy all the time.

I am very introverted, quiet, don't need to talk a lot. Ironically my parents can't understand where my kids came from because according to them I was super calm all the time.

I now think they may have always thought this way. I cried to DH about it. I guess I am too sensitive. He said he does defend me (so I said why are you defending me. What did I do?) but he also said he doesn't see his parents often and doestnt want a war breaking out over this.

You aren't being too sensitive. If I did all that you did for the in-laws, and I found out they felt that way, Iwould also be hurt and cry as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Words DH needs to use: "She is my wife, and I love her just the way he is, and I won't listen to you talk about her this way. And if the kids ever hear you criticizing their mom again, there will be consequences. You hurt my wife and owe her an apology."

You: "DH, I need you to realize I am not managing your parents for you anymore. Cards, photos of friends, presents, Mother's Day, calls, figuring out visits...that is your job, and I am not doing it for you anymore."

This. But, these things need to be said AFTER you guys go back home.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to speak to them. It is you who has heard the kids say these things and you are the one who is hurt.

I would not take word of mouth by way of children as the final word. I would just speak to them factually about what you have heard and ask for clarification.

I think your husband saying that you said that Johnny said that FIL said ....too removed.

[Anonymous]

Is it both of them, OP, or just one of them? Just wondering if both grandparents are against you in a united front, or if one of them, the more vocal one, is doing the talking here.

Also (different point than above) if it's one, is that one getting older/feebler/mentally ok? Any health scares, pain issues, or friends dying going on with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it both of them, OP, or just one of them? Just wondering if both grandparents are against you in a united front, or if one of them, the more vocal one, is doing the talking here.

Also (different point than above) if it's one, is that one getting older/feebler/mentally ok? Any health scares, pain issues, or friends dying going on with them?

This was my question also. Maybe there is some dementia working here. How old are the in laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Critical of parenting = my FIL complaining my children are too energetic, that they eat better when they are with them (inlaws kept them for 2 nights), that I cannot discipline them well, that they have bad manners, Etc

Well perhaps those things are true. SIL and BIL are this to a T, but Gid forbid anyone calls them on it. They're very defensive and complain that everyone else has the problem. So irritating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No more overnight visits if they are going to bad mouth you in front of your kids.

Wise advice. It is sad to offer love and respect only to be despised. I have relatives who visit from time to time; several are super high energy. We just deal with whatever is going on, because we LOVE them.

No bad mouthing the parents of children. It hurts them deeply.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, the best approach is the direct approach. If your ILs learn that they things they say will be repeated, and they will be called out, maybe they will stop?

Example: Good morning Mother Larla! I understand that you are concerned about my children being ill mannered. I'm sure you've noticed I get on them about "please" and "Thank you" constantly! But, I wondered if you had any more specific advice for me on the other manners they are lacking, and how I might instill those manners?

Good Afternoon Father Larlo! I understand that you feel Johnnie and Joanie are too energetic - the apple doesn't fall from the tree, LOL! I wondered if you had any specific suggestions for me on how to help the kids get their excess energy out. I hear from DH that he was EXACTLY this way as a kid. How did you guys handle it?

Good Evening ILS! I'm so sorry to hear that I don't look you in the eye enough! As you can see I have a stop watch here in my hand. According to google, the ideal time to hold eye contact is X.x seconds per sentence, so I'm going to use this stopwatch to practice! It's my goal in life to be the best DIL I can you know

And so on. Just meet it head on. Once they learn they can't get away with gossiping about you behind your back, but instead you will confront them, they will stop.

[Anonymous]

The PP directly above has admirable diplomatic skills. XOXO

[Anonymous]

I like 19:46 and think the advice is spot on, except I would mask it with southern super bitch faux concern. Instead of "I understand you think . . " say, "you all just look so tired. . . My kids must be runnin' you ragged. I guess ya'll are out of practice since DH grew up... Maybe you can think back and remember how you coped! I sure would love the advice!"