Why must you of hurt each other in the past to have a "strong" relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find some new friends. I wouldn't choose to hang around people who irritate me with this nonsense.

+1 Also, I think some people feel the need to say this to themselves to justify their decisions. ie. Staying with someone who has cheated, been in jail, etc

I agree. My friends says this all the time. Her husband is an abusive ass. Just less of an abusive ass and supppsedly they are so "strong" now. Hes so intolerable I find it hard to sociAlize with them as a couple.

Thing is, he thinks he's so charming and amusing. Hes a douche.

[Anonymous]

I think that certainly there are some kinds of strength that only get learned in battle, as it were. When things are hard, it is often difficult to behave maturely, communicate respectfully, etc.

It's great when you're in a relationship where you don't feel like you need those kinds of lessons. For me, I never truly knew how strong we COULD be until we had to be. It's not a commentary on anyone else's relationship. We are stronger now for our struggles, which I would not wish on anyone, not even in order to strengthen their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, one day, something bad will happen to you, and those are the friends who will have the experience with overcoming hardships and the compassion to be sympathetic and possibly helpful to you. You seem to lack compassion, perhaps because you haven't had enough experiences yet in life.

This is the OP. Quite an assumption, and an incorrect one at that. I have been through more than some will see in a lifetime - maybe that's why I have lower tolerance for stupidity?

But to your point, I dumped my ex boyfriend because he exhibited abusive and hurtful behavior. Should I have stayed with him to prove the strength of our love for one another? I very easily could have but I didn't - thankfully - because I'm now very happily married and I shudder to think that my ex could have been 'the one'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one day, something bad will happen to you, and those are the friends who will have the experience with overcoming hardships and the compassion to be sympathetic and possibly helpful to you. You seem to lack compassion, perhaps because you haven't had enough experiences yet in life.

This is the OP. Quite an assumption, and an incorrect one at that. I have been through more than some will see in a lifetime - maybe that's why I have lower tolerance for stupidity?

But to your point, I dumped my ex boyfriend because he exhibited abusive and hurtful behavior. Should I have stayed with him to prove the strength of our love for one another? I very easily could have but I didn't - thankfully - because I'm now very happily married and I shudder to think that my ex could have been 'the one'.

Okay lady so you're the Goddess of Perfection - good for you. Stop hanging around lesser women then and go enjoy your perfection in solitude and STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But to your point, I dumped my ex boyfriend because he exhibited abusive and hurtful behavior. Should I have stayed with him to prove the strength of our love for one another? I very easily could have but I didn't - thankfully - because I'm now very happily married and I shudder to think that my ex could have been 'the one'.

Okay lady so you're the Goddess of Perfection - good for you. Stop hanging around lesser women then and go enjoy your perfection in solitude and STFU.

NP. This appears to have really struck a nerve. If you're part one of the "strong" couples who are strong due to abuse, I hope you're safe and that if anything ever happens again you understand that it's ok to leave.

[Anonymous]

People who grew up with chaotic relationships more often than not choose the same patterns in order to "fix" them and then proclaim themselves "stronger". Any discount self-help book will tell you that.

[Anonymous]

Nobody's relationship is stronger after going through a stupid decision like cheating. I would have such a hard time trusting my DH again if that ever happened. It sounds like your friends don't think very highly of themselves, but they see that you have a lot of self-respect, which is reflected in the fact that your DH doesn't cheat, abuse, or over-drink.

Unless these friends are really bad news, help them to see that they're better than a chronic cheater, abuser, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
But to your point, I dumped my ex boyfriend because he exhibited abusive and hurtful behavior. Should I have stayed with him to prove the strength of our love for one another? I very easily could have but I didn't - thankfully - because I'm now very happily married and I shudder to think that my ex could have been 'the one'.

Okay lady so you're the Goddess of Perfection - good for you. Stop hanging around lesser women then and go enjoy your perfection in solitude and STFU.

NP. This appears to have really struck a nerve. If you're part one of the "strong" couples who are strong due to abuse, I hope you're safe and that if anything ever happens again you understand that it's ok to leave.

+1. If you're striking out and making irrational and angry comments, that's usually a sign that you need to stop and think about why you're feeling so defensive.

And you might want to work in an apology for your nastiness to the PP while you're at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one day, something bad will happen to you, and those are the friends who will have the experience with overcoming hardships and the compassion to be sympathetic and possibly helpful to you. You seem to lack compassion, perhaps because you haven't had enough experiences yet in life.

This is the OP. Quite an assumption, and an incorrect one at that. I have been through more than some will see in a lifetime - maybe that's why I have lower tolerance for stupidity?

But to your point, I dumped my ex boyfriend because he exhibited abusive and hurtful behavior. Should I have stayed with him to prove the strength of our love for one another? I very easily could have but I didn't - thankfully - because I'm now very happily married and I shudder to think that my ex could have been 'the one'.

Okay, OP. I was trying to be charitable towards you, because you sound naive. That often makes people lack compassion for others, and it's excusable. Then again, some people get through life by telling themselves it's kick or be kicked, and think everything bad that happens to others is that person's fault and due to that person's weakness. If this helps you feel stronger and in control, fine, but don't be surprised that people find your attitude cold and arrogant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, one day, something bad will happen to you, and those are the friends who will have the experience with overcoming hardships and the compassion to be sympathetic and possibly helpful to you. You seem to lack compassion, perhaps because you haven't had enough experiences yet in life.

This is the OP. Quite an assumption, and an incorrect one at that. I have been through more than some will see in a lifetime - maybe that's why I have lower tolerance for stupidity?

But to your point, I dumped my ex boyfriend because he exhibited abusive and hurtful behavior. Should I have stayed with him to prove the strength of our love for one another? I very easily could have but I didn't - thankfully - because I'm now very happily married and I shudder to think that my ex could have been 'the one'.

Okay, OP. I was trying to be charitable towards you, because you sound naive. That often makes people lack compassion for others, and it's excusable. Then again, some people get through life by telling themselves it's kick or be kicked, and think everything bad that happens to others is that person's fault and due to that person's weakness. If this helps you feel stronger and in control, fine, but don't be surprised that people find your attitude cold and arrogant.

Actually, OP sounds quite mature. Sometimes it is black and white: kick or be kicked. Some of us are smart enough to see the signs and end it. Others are naive and miss the signs. If someone is abusive once, shame on them, if they continue to be abusive, then quite frankly, it is your fault for staying in the relationship. That doesn't excuse the abuser's behavior, but actively playing the victim doesn't make you a strong person. It makes you too weak to stand up for yourself.

-Daughter who ended her mother's abuse by standing up for her. And guess what? I knew better than to get in that same situation.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad to see anyone stand up to abusers. No one was advocating putting up with abuse. The hardships OP mentioned included couples who'd worked through cheating and addiction/alcoholism, both of which are very common and difficult to work through in a marriage. If your solution is to kick your spouse to the curb if they screw up, so be it. It's not always so black and white for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Are couples like my husband and I not as "strong" because we've never done these types of things to one another? That's what these woman intentionally or unintentionally insinuate and I find it irritating - and I can't help but feel it's to make up for insecurity.

You're really posting about different things. Your friends aren't likely making insinuations about the strength of your relationship with your DH. I don't know why you feel they are. They're reflecting on their own relationships. If you're tired of hearing about their relationship, well, that's a different issue.

My DH and I haven't had issues of infidelity, jail or abuse but we have had significant struggles - kids with SN, health crises, depression, etc. None of it was caused by our own stupidity or poor decision making. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I understand why any single one of those issues could strain a marriage to the breaking point. I have a lot more sympathy for people whose marriages don't survive them. I've got a much different perspective and appreciation than you seem to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find some new friends. I wouldn't choose to hang around people who irritate me with this nonsense.

+1 Also, I think some people feel the need to say this to themselves to justify their decisions. ie. Staying with someone who has cheated, been in jail, etc

+
Dealing with the crap life throws at you makes you stronger, whether you are in a relationship or not. However, putting up w bad decisions and excusing it makes you a doormat.

Get new friends.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are couples like my husband and I not as "strong" because we've never done these types of things to one another? That's what these woman intentionally or unintentionally insinuate and I find it irritating - and I can't help but feel it's to make up for insecurity.

You're really posting about different things. Your friends aren't likely making insinuations about the strength of your relationship with your DH. I don't know why you feel they are. They're reflecting on their own relationships. If you're tired of hearing about their relationship, well, that's a different issue.

My DH and I haven't had issues of infidelity, jail or abuse but we have had significant struggles - kids with SN, health crises, depression, etc. None of it was caused by our own stupidity or poor decision making. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. I understand why any single one of those issues could strain a marriage to the breaking point. I have a lot more sympathy for people whose marriages don't survive them. I've got a much different perspective and appreciation than you seem to have.

Please see my original post:
I have a few friends that have have rocky relationships and I am so tired of hearing them talk about how their relationships are so much stronger because they've gone through x and y with their husbands. I'm not talking about things out of our control like a lay off or infertility but stupid decisions their husbands have made in the past - like going to jail, drinking, cheating.