Why must you of hurt each other in the past to have a "strong" relationship?

[Anonymous]

I have a few friends that have have rocky relationships and I am so tired of hearing them talk about how their relationships are so much stronger because they've gone through x and y with their husbands. I'm not talking about things out of our control like a lay off or infertility but stupid decisions their husbands have made in the past - like going to jail, drinking, cheating.

Are couples like my husband and I not as "strong" because we've never done these types of things to one another? That's what these woman intentionally or unintentionally insinuate and I find it irritating - and I can't help but feel it's to make up for insecurity. This is not a humble brag about how great my relationship is - we have our own problems - we've just never done anything to hurt each other, it's more like "life" is beating us down lately. I'm just so tired of hearing the same "we're stronger for it, we've been through so much" crap over and over again. Then a month later their husbands do something else stupid. Maybe I'm just mean but I must not be the only one thinking this!

[Anonymous]

Find some new friends. I wouldn't choose to hang around people who irritate me with this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure they aren't saying their relationships are stronger than they were? That's usually how I take it.

But agree with PP. Their lives sound dramatic in a bad way. Find some new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find some new friends. I wouldn't choose to hang around people who irritate me with this nonsense.

+1 Also, I think some people feel the need to say this to themselves to justify their decisions. ie. Staying with someone who has cheated, been in jail, etc

[Anonymous]

"Making a virtue of necessity."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find some new friends. I wouldn't choose to hang around people who irritate me with this nonsense.

+1 Also, I think some people feel the need to say this to themselves to justify their decisions. ie. Staying with someone who has cheated, been in jail, etc

What PP said. The strongest relationships I know involve people who would never be cruel in the first place.

[Anonymous]

They aren't comparing themselves to you. They are comparing the current state of their relationship to the prior state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find some new friends. I wouldn't choose to hang around people who irritate me with this nonsense.

+1 Also, I think some people feel the need to say this to themselves to justify their decisions. ie. Staying with someone who has cheated, been in jail, etc

Yes, OP, I would work on my compassion for those friends. I am assuming this is what they're doing rather than trying to judge you. Now if you're tired of them letting their spouses get away with murder, that's another story and maybe you should drop them. But I doubt they're trying to compete with you.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Nice to give the benefit of the doubt on the competition angle, but I have a "friend" who explicitly said that he and his girlfriend had a stronger relationship than DH and I because they swing and it requires a heightened level of trust that I "couldn't begin to imagine."

Yeppers. DH bought me another drink at the bar when he overheard that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find some new friends. I wouldn't choose to hang around people who irritate me with this nonsense.

+1 Also, I think some people feel the need to say this to themselves to justify their decisions. ie. Staying with someone who has cheated, been in jail, etc

+
Dealing with the crap life throws at you makes you stronger, whether you are in a relationship or not. However, putting up w bad decisions and excusing it makes you a doormat.

Get new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Nice to give the benefit of the doubt on the competition angle, but I have a "friend" who explicitly said that he and his girlfriend had a stronger relationship than DH and I because they swing and it requires a heightened level of trust that I "couldn't begin to imagine."

Yeppers. DH bought me another drink at the bar when he overheard that....

People that say that are trying to justify their behavior. I could care less what two consenting adults do. If they want to swing, they do not need my permission. However, DH and I know that lifestyle is not for us. Does not make us better or worse. Does not mean we have a less secure relationship.

I have read many posts where swingers end up in divorce. And some that are happy. To each, his own.

[DanielG]

If you are not dealing with these types of things (cheating, alcoholism, abuse, etc., frequent arguments, etc.) then I would say your relationship is very strong. Because you two know how to handle situations like adults and respect your partner enough to not do things like the above examples.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a few friends that have have rocky relationships and I am so tired of hearing them talk about how their relationships are so much stronger because they've gone through x and y with their husbands. I'm not talking about things out of our control like a lay off or infertility but stupid decisions their husbands have made in the past - like going to jail, drinking, cheating.

If you're tired of hearing it then simply disassociate yourself from all these troubled imperfect people. The nerve of them to (gasp!) have problems in life - ugghhh...flawed f%ks they shouldn't even be allowed to live!! And the even greater audacity of them to (GASP!) suggest that their difficulties strengthened them - ugghh...how dare they not get destroyed by their dilemmas and find the fortitude to carry on!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a few friends that have have rocky relationships and I am so tired of hearing them talk about how their relationships are so much stronger because they've gone through x and y with their husbands. I'm not talking about things out of our control like a lay off or infertility but stupid decisions their husbands have made in the past - like going to jail, drinking, cheating.

Are couples like my husband and I not as "strong" because we've never done these types of things to one another? That's what these woman intentionally or unintentionally insinuate and I find it irritating - and I can't help but feel it's to make up for insecurity. This is not a humble brag about how great my relationship is - we have our own problems - we've just never done anything to hurt each other, it's more like "life" is beating us down lately. I'm just so tired of hearing the same "we're stronger for it, we've been through so much" crap over and over again. Then a month later their husbands do something else stupid. Maybe I'm just mean but I must not be the only one thinking this!

That's a sign of low SES and stupidity, not a strong relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, one day, something bad will happen to you, and those are the friends who will have the experience with overcoming hardships and the compassion to be sympathetic and possibly helpful to you. You seem to lack compassion, perhaps because you haven't had enough experiences yet in life.