College Pressures Starting Already?!!!

[Anonymous]

I have one DS in college and a second in HS. It is true that both parents and kids in this area put a ridiculous level of pressure on the kids to consider a very narrow range of schools to be acceptable, and to start preparing much too early. Because it comes from parents and peers rather than schools it's pretty hard to avoid. I would suggest that parents (1) don't buy into the craziness. If your kid brings it up, discuss it, but stress that they should be doing things they love, not just looking for tickets to admission. And (2) start now talking about how important fit is. The goal is to find a college you love, will be happy at, and will emerge from prepared for the next step, not to get a tshirt which will impress people. The best fit might be a top college (it is for one of my kids) or it might be a college no-one in this area knows about.

[Anonymous]

It's not sick if done right. It doesn't have to be a psycho pressure cooker. And it does really matter unless you have a lot of wealth to pass on to your kids.

I grew up poor and started thinking about college when I chose my freshman classes, in the early 80s. My mom did, too, back in the late 50s. Both of us went to school at a time where you were tracked. Girls generally chose between a clerical track and college prep. Boys generally chose between vo tech and college prep track. For me, it was either follow in my mom's footsteps and make barely more than minimum wage with no benefits, or follow in my dad's footsteps, get a degree, and have more security. I made that decision for myself in middle school.

But again, this doesn't have to be a pressure cooker situation. Continue with her favorite extracurricular activities, do SSL like everyone else, and choose high school programs/course that both align with her interests/strengths as well as prep for college. I would not wait into after PSATs though. Colleges are looking at the first 2-3 years of high school.

[Anonymous]

Steer her calmly into making the best choices (yes to four years of all core subjects and yes to AP classes) but keep the pressure low. My DD was an 3.8 student so we knew going into it that she didn't have a shot at the top schools so we focused on great liberal arts colleges all over the country. She had a great high school experience and is now in a college that she loves (and misses - so she tells us everyday - since she has been home for the summer).

[Anonymous]

Check out the "College Confidential" message board, OP. These kids put crazy pressure on themselves and worry about college acceptance from middle school on. It is the world we live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are SICK. If you see everything in your child's life transactionally (will this help him get into college? No? Then whats the point?) you will (1) rob them of their childhood, (2) Increase the likelihood of mental illness -- trust me on this one, my DC just graduated from high school and I saw the wreckage all around her., (3) and, it will be counter-productive. A child who has been programed is a child who doesn't learn to think for herself. This is why we are producing so many good little soldiers who will work, work, work but couldn't create something if their life depended on it.

There was a girl in my 7th grade class who started researching colleges because "you need to start early." Senior year she attempted suicide. True story. You may think your child is just fine with all of it but you won't know until later that it isn't the case at all.

If everything is pointed to that one task of getting into college, what happens then? How well prepared are they to take control of the rest of their lives?

In 10th grade you can start thinking about colleges. There is absolutely no need to do so before then and it could cause more harm than good.

Anything interesting on the docket for you today out there in manassas / Des Moines / Tampa / San Antonio? Isn't there a listserv for you there? We are in DC and this is how it is here.

I live in DC. I grew up in DC. I went to NCS. I know EXACTLY how its done here and I know EXACTLY the damage it causes. I would like some of you to come back here when your kids are seniors and you see what I am talking about. Miserable and anxious children, miserable and anxious adults. Adults who are living through their children's college acceptances as if it is a measure of their parenting. Adults who feel their children failed them by not getting into a top whatever school. Children who have been so programmed that they are hugely successful in whatever they've been told to do and have not an independent thought in their heads. Or children who give their parents the big middle finger and say "you won;t it so bad, well I'm not going to give it to you." and proceed to pretty much intentionally screw up. I've seen all of this in children of parents just like you. This is about your ego and not your child's well-being.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have two in college now and another going into 10th grade in a competitive MoCo high school. My advice is try to strike a middle-ground position. It's a fact that college admissions have become more competitive and higher stakes. It's also a fact that some parents overdo it and cause undue pressure on their children about this. You know your child best and have the best understanding of how much pressure she's ready for and can handle. Don't use other families in the DC area as your yardstick. Do what works for you and your child. Talk to your DD and get a sense of how much she cares about college stuff now. Encourage her interests and point of how colleges may view her, but also encourage learning and exploration for its own sake. By the time your DD is in 10th or 11th grade they'll likely be putting pressure on themselves and you'll be wanting to moderate that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people are SICK. If you see everything in your child's life transactionally (will this help him get into college? No? Then whats the point?) you will (1) rob them of their childhood, (2) Increase the likelihood of mental illness -- trust me on this one, my DC just graduated from high school and I saw the wreckage all around her., (3) and, it will be counter-productive. A child who has been programed is a child who doesn't learn to think for herself. This is why we are producing so many good little soldiers who will work, work, work but couldn't create something if their life depended on it.

There was a girl in my 7th grade class who started researching colleges because "you need to start early." Senior year she attempted suicide. True story. You may think your child is just fine with all of it but you won't know until later that it isn't the case at all.

If everything is pointed to that one task of getting into college, what happens then? How well prepared are they to take control of the rest of their lives?

In 10th grade you can start thinking about colleges. There is absolutely no need to do so before then and it could cause more harm than good.

Anything interesting on the docket for you today out there in manassas / Des Moines / Tampa / San Antonio? Isn't there a listserv for you there? We are in DC and this is how it is here.

NP here. I live in flyover country and kids are busy here too with advanced classes, tons of activities, volunteering, etc. Many apply to top schools also, others love some of the great state universities. Parents are happy either way as are students.

[Anonymous]

While this may well be the way it is today, especially in a highly educated metro area or aiming for the top Ivy League or top state schools, it is equally true that there are many more mental health issues which crop up on late teens to early 20s population now, AND the pressures put upon this age group both internally and externally are one cause for the increased manifestation. So it is especially important for parents to keep aware of the signals and to know each child and what might be a trigger of extra stress. In my opinion it is important to keep the pressure or push from within the family circle at a very low level because that can so often become intertwined with "parent love" or "familial approaval" which it should not be. Also make sure the teens get breaks from the merry-go-round which is so often their lives.

In middle and early high school, I would paint with a broad brush career fields rather than over focusing on just one sector. Giving the child the opportunity to learn through volunteer work about different kinds of work is good and different populations as working with children, or the elderly, or those with special needs or those who are newly immigrated. Also volunteering in different sectors such as a school setting, a medical/hospital setting, an office (nonprofit) setting.

At this age just taking a course or class they might just consider to be fun might, in fact, later on be related to a career pathway or a very nice personal interest I could see American Sign Language, a Spanish class, CPR and Fist Aid, swimming skills for life guarding, an introductory art class or any kind, an introductory instrument class (or taking advantage of band or orchestra in school). These are the kinds of things which could be done for fun and not necessarily "for credit" in the summer and lead to future interesting summer jobs as in camps which combine work and fun or related to fields such as health care, teaching, social services etc.

One of our daughters is now a part-time pediatric physical therapist in the DC area with two young children and she gained her first knowledge of children with disabilities and Sign Language in volunteering at a Parks & Rec summer camp in high school. (She does have a sister with Down syndrome, but to see the field on a broader range.) She decided to take a couple of sign language classes on her own which she has used in therapy settings as well as with both children who were early and very good talkers. Oh and you mention kinds of pressure, well one family actually asked a friend of my daughter's who is a OT if she could work with her son who was not disabled - why - because he did not seem to pick up toys and something else equally inane and she was afraid he would not pass the preschool entrance test for some super duper program. Crazy!!

[Anonymous]

9:37 Sorry about your friend/classmate. Sadly, this is the culture. No need to call anyone "sick." It's unfortunate. The posts here are reasonable. Folks, like me, fight it. I hated seeing my son all anxious about college. I'm the PP whose son (my one and only) starts this fall. (Ah!)

[Anonymous]

I have college aged kids and I wonder now if DH and I shouldn't have started earlier talking about colleges (rather then letting the kids bring it up in their own time -- about 10th grade as it turns out). They both would have been better served in college had they taken (and done well) in Algebra in 8th grade. It ended up throwing both of them off track in HS and they feel behind most peers in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a rising 8th grader in a good school (where she will attend high school as well) and she came home yesterday freaked about what she should have been doing already to get into a good college. Apparently some of her classmates are taking high school summer school electives and have already started their volunteer hours.

Seriously, already?!!! When I was her age no one talked about college acceptance until after they took the PSATs at the end of sophomore year in high school. I am not ready to start calming college anxiety for a girl who hasn't even started 8th grade yet!

Is this common nowadays?

high school summer electives is a bit much-- but you can never start too early on community service. Need to make it look like you didn't just start junior year because college applications expect I these days.

[Anonymous]

It all depends on the personality or your child, OP. My oldest thrived on academic competition and knew from the age of 12 that she wanted one ivy league college. She worried me - she was very driven and I was worried about the fall out if she didn't get accepted. We really emphasized that we (DH and I) didn't care if she got in or not and had a number of other colleges we made her look into. Luckily she got in to the one she wanted and loves it there. My second is more artistic and laid-back although also an excellent student but would rather take Drawing than AP Calculus - and we never pushed her. She is looking at colleges - small but good liberal arts colleges and happy about it.

You know your kid - you know if she needs encouragement or a push - you know if you need to tap down expectations or not.

DH and I met in college - a very good university but not one that either one of us would have chosen if we could do it all over again - but ALL of our closest friends are from that college and we have told our girls repeatedly that we may have chosen the wrong college - but look how great our wrong choice was! We met each other and virtually every person they call Aunt and Uncle at that school. There is no real wrong choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out the "College Confidential" message board, OP. These kids put crazy pressure on themselves and worry about college acceptance from middle school on. It is the world we live in.

Wow - that is one scary site! These poor kids are driving themselves crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the "College Confidential" message board, OP. These kids put crazy pressure on themselves and worry about college acceptance from middle school on. It is the world we live in.

Wow - that is one scary site! These poor kids are driving themselves crazy.

I don't find that site all that scary. That is what it takes to get into an ivy and frankly it's also what it took when I went 15 yrs ago. Admissions percentages haven't dropped that much, nor is it that much harder than it used to be -- it's just that there's more info out there due to active websites like CC. Frankly I think it's better to start focusing in 8th grade if the Ivys are what you want or drop the dream in 10 th grade if you realize your kid just can't hold on to a number 1-2 rank in the class, than it is to "follow your interests" for years, think you can get straight A's in 11th grade and do a bit of volunteer work to get into the Ivys the next yr and then be massively disappointed when it doesn't happen; I've seen that happen too many times.

[Anonymous]

Let it go --let it go -- OP

There may be a lot of insanity, but don't buy into it. There are plenty of people who are successful, happy people who didn't think about college for a minute in 8th or 9th grade. Sure, you can steer your child toward classes that are beneficial to college applications so long as they are also a good fit based on personality and interests. But, why give the impression that an 8th grader needs to worry about college?

I guess there are people who want that for their kids, but for me and mine -- no. I come from a family where we had a phD, two MBAs, two law degrees, two trade school tool and die makers, and a bachelor's degree/farmer. Pretty much the full range of professions... my parents did not pressure us. We knew we needed to do something with our lives after HS and we each picked according to our interests and ambitions. I don't see the point of pressuring kids. You don't have to play that game.