Thinking of cutting off ex-ILs

[Anonymous]

Salvage it. OP. Your child needs family and is better off if you're there, too.

Ask your SIL what she meant, if you want to know, and let her explain. Otherwise just tell her again how it made you feel and then move on after you say your piece. But don't exclude yourself from all the gatherings. It's much better for your child if you're there! Think of it this way: even blood relatives sometimes say crazy shit to each other! But you might want to stop looking to her for help with her brother.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like a lot is going on beneath the surface here. You're not entirely sure you understand your sil's motives for saying what she did, and she seems surprised you're resistant to reconciling.

Was what she said really hurtful, then, and is she disconnected from the harmful effect of her words (or trying to salvage her family unit/relationship with her brother by projecting blame onto you)? Or are you off base and missing some important and helpful perspectives? The answer to that question isn't at all clear.

I think 8:07 and 8:32's recommendation for a time out 8:07 makes sense. Consult a therapist to help you think this through. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're creating drama out of nowhere. This sort of behavior is not "cut off" worthy and the behavior you're talking about isn't cutting anyone off but yourself. Better communication is called for.

This. You're invoking the nuclear option for no good reason. Every time I disagree with a family member, even about something important, it does not mean I should cut them off. Yes, your SIL is wrong to suggest that you are responsible for your ex's abusive behavior. But cutting someone off should require a higher threshold--her blaming you might hurt your feelings or upset you, but that's all. These people are your daughter's aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents--you don't have to be all buddy-buddy with them, but things are going to be a lot easier if you maintain a positive relationship with them. Just tell her you don't want to discuss your ex or your relationship with him with her any more, and move on.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your SIL cares about you, even if she was out of line, and wants to repair the relationship. I would hear her out and tell her frankly that you don't feel like you are being supported in this really tough situation you are dealing with. I also would try to at least keep a civil and open relationship with these people, for your daughter's sake. That doesn't mean you have to keep spending your holidays with them if you don't want to. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

This is 8:59 again. I would also add that you probably learned a valuable lesson here -- you can't go to your ex's family to complain about him. They are going to have his back ultimately. Lean on your friends instead for support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 8:59 again. I would also add that you probably learned a valuable lesson here -- you can't go to your ex's family to complain about him. They are going to have his back ultimately. Lean on your friends instead for support.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you should take this year off? It's okay to say we all need a timeout.

I'm curious: are you in a relationship?

Yes, but he lives in CA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is 8:59 again. I would also add that you probably learned a valuable lesson here -- you can't go to your ex's family to complain about him. They are going to have his back ultimately. Lean on your friends instead for support.

It was the final attempt before trying to get it dealt with by the court to get through to him. It wasn't for support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is 8:59 again. I would also add that you probably learned a valuable lesson here -- you can't go to your ex's family to complain about him. They are going to have his back ultimately. Lean on your friends instead for support.

It was the final attempt before trying to get it dealt with by the court to get through to him. It wasn't for support.

If you are at the point that you are feeling the need to take legal action, it sounds like the nature of the relationship is set to change no matter what. It also sounds like maybe this shift in the relationship is something that has been brewing in the background for a while, with everyone kind of ignoring it in the hopes of keeping a happy face on everything.

If you are having a co-parenting issue (your ex letting his rage out in your daughter's presence) that's something that is probably best resolved by the two of you first trying counseling and then legal action only as a last resort. Ultimately, even if the ex MIL was "on your side" it's probably unrealistic/inappropriate to expect her to be able to influence the situation.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, OP.