Have you fallen out of love with your spouse and contend with just being each others' companion?

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Not out of love, exactly. More like our love has changed. We've been together more than 25 years, so change is expected. I do think we are very compatible and care about eachother deeply.

[Anonymous]

I think some of these replies are the most thoughtful ones I've seen on DCUM and there seems to be very little angry or trite responses. Nice.

I know what you're saying OP. I think the "lightning round" of love dies pretty fast, but you can still find a way to love your partner w/o the fireworks of young love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't know how someone can be in love after 10, 20, 30 years. Deep care or like and being comfortable in our skin area them maybe? In love is for young and new IMHO.

Age 48
Married 11 years
Still deeply in love with my DH

[Anonymous]

Age 34, married 10 years. Still love DH but we're in the throes of raising two small children now and it's tough to connect in the same way. I wouldn't say I'm "in love" right now, but that's very likely a product of the stress, lack of time for ourselves (even with planned date nights, etc), lack of time for shared interests, lack of focus, and everything else that comes with raising little kids.

I think PP that mentioned rolling with the punches and adapting is right. Unless your lives stay significantly the same (similar jobs, no kids, similar location, similar standard of living, etc), there's a lot of adapting and people do change to do that. Sometimes people grow together, sometimes they grow side-by-side, and sometimes they grow apart. The only way to guarantee your relationship stays the same is to not grow/change at all. Otherwise, life happens and it's sort of a crapshoot.

[Anonymous]

I listened to my mom and married a guy just a tiny smidge more than me and I think that has made for a happy life. My friends who married the guys that they had to chase are not the best partners--maybe a good provider/parent but not a good partner for life and love past the kids and some not even with the kids but that is another thread. Anyway as time goes on I feel totally happy myself because I married someone who truly thought I was wonderful and the older I get the more wonderful he is. So glad I avoided the train wreck relationships of my twenties where I was doing the chasing..no fun there at all as an adult.

[Anonymous]

who loved me just a smidge more than I him--sorry typos

[Anonymous]

How does that happen if you remain intimate?

[Anonymous]

Just wonder if your guys/gals still have sex?

[Anonymous]

Haven't fallen out of love. Married 28 years.

[Anonymous]

Yes, out of love. Both of us, not just me. We are compatible, still enjoy one another's company, share similar goals for the future, but there is no true love there anymore. I think we both know we would probably be better off as separate and friends rather than together and friends, but inertia and uncertainty rule the day. I think we are way past "working on the relationship" as neither one of us particularly wants to put the energy into it. So we just make the best of the new situation. It is not all bad ... Just different. Which is really not that surprising after 30 years and some rough patches.

[Anonymous]

When I was a child my mother gave me wonderful advice. She said when you find a partner, look for someone who you are good friends with in addition to being in love. Your love will wax and wane over time, but a good friendship will provide you a good foundation for when your love is at its ebb. But if both partners like each other and are committed, the love with return.

I didn't find my partner until I was in my 30's, but now 14.5 years later including 12 years of marriage, we are still devoted to each other and love each other dearly. We've had some rocky times, but as my mother said, our friendship sustained us through those (short) periods and our love feels as strong as it did on the day that I said "I do."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a child my mother gave me wonderful advice. She said when you find a partner, look for someone who you are good friends with in addition to being in love. Your love will wax and wane over time, but a good friendship will provide you a good foundation for when your love is at its ebb. But if both partners like each other and are committed, the love with return.

I didn't find my partner until I was in my 30's, but now 14.5 years later including 12 years of marriage, we are still devoted to each other and love each other dearly. We've had some rocky times, but as my mother said, our friendship sustained us through those (short) periods and our love feels as strong as it did on the day that I said "I do."

This is wonderful and I wish all the best for you. But in my opinion, 12 years is very early going. I do think marrying later in life gives you the advantage ... You were much more mature when you chose your partner plus you had many years to live, live, live as auntie mame would say. I married when I was 20 ... Possibly a factor now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a child my mother gave me wonderful advice. She said when you find a partner, look for someone who you are good friends with in addition to being in love. Your love will wax and wane over time, but a good friendship will provide you a good foundation for when your love is at its ebb. But if both partners like each other and are committed, the love with return.

I didn't find my partner until I was in my 30's, but now 14.5 years later including 12 years of marriage, we are still devoted to each other and love each other dearly. We've had some rocky times, but as my mother said, our friendship sustained us through those (short) periods and our love feels as strong as it did on the day that I said "I do."

This is wonderful and I wish all the best for you. But in my opinion, 12 years is very early going. I do think marrying later in life gives you the advantage ... You were much more mature when you chose your partner plus you had many years to live, live, live as auntie mame would say. I married when I was 20 ... Possibly a factor now.

My parents embody this sentiment and taught me what good friendship and partnership means. Last month, they celebrated their 57th anniversary. My parents were 31 and 25 when they got married.

As for the maturity, I think you are right. This is my first marriage, but my wife's second marriage. She had married young to her first husband and although they stayed together 14 years, it was much rockier for them in many ways. They were high school sweethearts who married right out of college. People change a lot in their 20's post-college as they experience a lot and as you/Auntie Mame (one of my wife's favorite shows!) say "live, live, live". Her first marriage ended up dissolving because after 10 years, they were no longer the same people who met in high school. They had evolved into more mature people who rather than being adaptable teens knew more about themselves and the more mature versions were not particularly compatible. They parted fairly amicably, but it was still hard. Now at close to the same length of time in our marriage as her first, we are still much more similar to ourselves when we got married and more compatible than she was at the same point in her first marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a child my mother gave me wonderful advice. She said when you find a partner, look for someone who you are good friends with in addition to being in love. Your love will wax and wane over time, but a good friendship will provide you a good foundation for when your love is at its ebb. But if both partners like each other and are committed, the love with return.

I didn't find my partner until I was in my 30's, but now 14.5 years later including 12 years of marriage, we are still devoted to each other and love each other dearly. We've had some rocky times, but as my mother said, our friendship sustained us through those (short) periods and our love feels as strong as it did on the day that I said "I do."

This is wonderful and I wish all the best for you. But in my opinion, 12 years is very early going. I do think marrying later in life gives you the advantage ... You were much more mature when you chose your partner plus you had many years to live, live, live as auntie mame would say. I married when I was 20 ... Possibly a factor now.

My parents embody this sentiment and taught me what good friendship and partnership means. Last month, they celebrated their 57th anniversary. My parents were 31 and 25 when they got married.

As for the maturity, I think you are right. This is my first marriage, but my wife's second marriage. She had married young to her first husband and although they stayed together 14 years, it was much rockier for them in many ways. They were high school sweethearts who married right out of college. People change a lot in their 20's post-college as they experience a lot and as you/Auntie Mame (one of my wife's favorite shows!) say "live, live, live". Her first marriage ended up dissolving because after 10 years, they were no longer the same people who met in high school. They had evolved into more mature people who rather than being adaptable teens knew more about themselves and the more mature versions were not particularly compatible. They parted fairly amicably, but it was still hard. Now at close to the same length of time in our marriage as her first, we are still much more similar to ourselves when we got married and more compatible than she was at the same point in her first marriage.

Sorry to go off topic, but has your wife actually read the book Auntie Mame? As good as the movie was (with Rosalind Russell) the book is even more hilarious! It would make a good present ...