How to teach gratitude- help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad and concerned and I need suggestions. DS does not feel gratitude. Today is a perfect example. It's his birthday. We spend the day together and he does pretty much what he wants. It was a nice day ( not spending money, etc). Family birthday dinner tonight. Nice time, he is excited. Birthday present time; DD gives him a nice small toy. DH and I give him a tool and grandma gives him a night at a KenCen event with her. I did not expect him to show excitement about KenCen, but I know he will enjoy it when he goes.
Down to watch a movie he has been askng to see for a while. Days knows he can't watch whole thing tonight.
Time to turn off tv and he is an immediate crabby-ass. Tucked into bed and he begins talking about his lousy gifts/haws theater/ friends get huge 1200 gifts, etc.
This is not the first time he is so obviously ungrateful. It is ALWAYs this way. We do not live in a "consuming community" at all. He is not always around "kids who have everything". I am so sick of it and I don't know how to teach gratitude any longer. I need suggestions. dS is 12.

"If you don't like your gifts, I'd be happy to take them back."

Your kid is "always this way" because you have allowed him to act this way. So stop. Make him volunteer to help the less-fortunate (as suggested by PPs above), but that's not enough. You need to ban the bratty attitude from your house. 12 is plenty old to understand the difference between polite and rude. If he's disappointed, he can express that in a way that isn't disparaging of the people who celebrated his birthday, or the gifts they gave.

I understand that kids at that age can be all about themselves, but that only means you have to actually parent them so they'll learn to be otherwise. No excuses, OP.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I read your post.

You gave him a tool
Your daughter gave him a "small toy"
You spent the day with him without spending any money
His grandmother took him to the Kennedy Center.

I have to say, for a 12 year old -- that's not much of a birthday, OP. Really. While I encourage an attitude of gratitude in my children for whatever they get, this seems kind of chintzy to me. What 12 year old looks forward to the Kennedy Center as a birthday present? To a tool? To a small toy?

[Anonymous]

Model humility and you will teach gratitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I read your post.

You gave him a tool
Your daughter gave him a "small toy"
You spent the day with him without spending any money
His grandmother took him to the Kennedy Center.

I have to say, for a 12 year old -- that's not much of a birthday, OP. Really. While I encourage an attitude of gratitude in my children for whatever they get, this seems kind of chintzy to me. What 12 year old looks forward to the Kennedy Center as a birthday present? To a tool? To a small toy?

I kind of agree w this.

[Anonymous]

It sounds a little like you might be forcing the issue. It's hard to know without knowing the whole story, but I get the sense that there's some kind of conflict between the two of you based on this subject. So, maybe he's pushing your buttons because he knows it's a hot topic for you. Or, maybe you are subconsciously pushing him too hard to show appreciation because you've felt he didn't in the past. Take a step back and see if you can think of any specific reasons for this type of thing.

I think gratitude is a difficult thing to "teach." It has to be absorbed and learned over a long period of time. And very few teenagers or pre-teens have or show much of it. Even if they feel it, they probably aren't going to SHOW it to an adult most of the time.

It seems like your DS was upset about having to turn off the TV and go to sleep and knew that complaining about birthday gifts might irritate you, which is why he did it. How do you response when he does this?

Honestly, I think gratitude is about a lot more than words. It's not okay for him to show a lack of gratitude in front of the person who gave him the gift, but if he wants to share his feelings with you later, you can offer to be a sympathetic ear and just keep being positive.

Yes, it'd be ideal if you could show him how the "other half" lives, and I think taking steps in this direction would be good, but he's not going to "get it" suddenly like this. It's going to take time and something that makes him connect to this in a real way. Maybe look for opportunities for him too work with kids his own age or to "buddy" a younger kid who hasn't had the advantages he's had. If he sees things from a kid's perspective and gets to know someone in a different life circumstance, it will mean a lot more than dishing out soup to homeless adults or sorting canned goods at a food pantry.

[Anonymous]

OP here- thank you for the thoughtful replies. I am fine with the gifts given as we cannot afford more than was given. Thought was put into the gifts. No one expected grandmas gift to herald cheers, but again, his anger is what triggered. Y post- not disappointment.

Again, posts appreciated and will look to how we are contributing to this and how we can begin to shift some of his views.

[Anonymous]

Definitely volunteer time. There is a list of places that allow children to volunteer on the our-kids.com resource list.

Have him pick a charity or two and contribute a small part of his allowance each week.

Start a family tradition of naming one thing each person is thankful for and why during dinner each night.

Have him write thank you notes for gifts.

Stop buying him little things here and there and have him earn and allowance for things he'd like to purchase.

Expect a few weekly chores he does because he is part of the family and another chore or two for the allowance. On top of that have him find one other helpful thing to do around the house each day.

If you are religious be sure he is participating in Sunday school and take advantage of your school's or church's youth volunteer efforts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- thank you for the thoughtful replies. I am fine with the gifts given as we cannot afford more than was given. Thought was put into the gifts. No one expected grandmas gift to herald cheers, but again, his anger is what triggered. Y post- not disappointment.

Again, posts appreciated and will look to how we are contributing to this and how we can begin to shift some of his views.

Upon reading this I don't think he was being ungrateful about his birthday but more largely he's upset and resentful that your family doesn't have as much as friends do. He's tired of living closer to the edge than peers, he's tired of not having one thing he can tell his friends he got for his birthday that demonstrates he's "like them." He's different (and not in an enviable way) and at 12 years old that is very tough to work through.

Be kind, be understanding, talk about this stuff head-on. I bet if you think about it you'll see that he kept it together for most of his birthdaybut fell apart at bedtime, which is still common. He doesn't sound beyond hope.

I like pp's suggestion of helping him earn more money through allowance or odd jobs. He can save up or spend as he earns.

[Anonymous]

Please don't use the homeless to teach your son a lesson. I think that is horrible to have them volunteer and witness poverty to teach them to be grateful. Homeless people in a shelter are not like animals in the zoo.

[Anonymous]

I would at least have let him finish the movie!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't use the homeless to teach your son a lesson. I think that is horrible to have them volunteer and witness poverty to teach them to be grateful. Homeless people in a shelter are not like animals in the zoo.

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for saying this. I thought i was the only one. it's like, "oh look at these people. aren't you so glad you aren't one of them!!?" how disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't use the homeless to teach your son a lesson. I think that is horrible to have them volunteer and witness poverty to teach them to be grateful. Homeless people in a shelter are not like animals in the zoo.

Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you for saying this. I thought i was the only one. it's like, "oh look at these people. aren't you so glad you aren't one of them!!?" how disrespectful.

+2

[Anonymous]

No advice, but I feel for you, I have a kid like this too.

[Anonymous]

Church, Temple, any organized religion. The whole family goes. Get him involved in Scouting or equivalent. Get family involved in charity work with Salvation Army (to see how the poor really eat on Thanksgiving and Christmas). Buy the entire 10 years of The Waltons and plop his privileged butt on the floor and make him watch a show a day.

[Anonymous]

OP here ... Tonight was KenCen with grandma. He has a nice time, which is what we wanted. I hadn't thought about DS wanting to be able to "brAg" about gifts to his peers and that is probably also at play. More volunteering is definitely a great suggestion and will also bring the family together.
We do eat dinner together most nights and thank you notes have been required since he could hold a pencil. He is very aware of how few he receives in return...which I notice Lso.
I appreciate the thoughtful responses and will check out the OurKids resource for other volunteering options.