How to teach gratitude- help.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad and concerned and I need suggestions. DS does not feel gratitude. Today is a perfect example. It's his birthday. We spend the day together and he does pretty much what he wants. It was a nice day ( not spending money, etc). Family birthday dinner tonight. Nice time, he is excited. Birthday present time; DD gives him a nice small toy. DH and I give him a tool and grandma gives him a night at a KenCen event with her. I did not expect him to show excitement about KenCen, but I know he will enjoy it when he goes.
Down to watch a movie he has been askng to see for a while. Days knows he can't watch whole thing tonight.
Time to turn off tv and he is an immediate crabby-ass. Tucked into bed and he begins talking about his lousy gifts/haws theater/ friends get huge 1200 gifts, etc.
This is not the first time he is so obviously ungrateful. It is ALWAYs this way. We do not live in a "consuming community" at all. He is not always around "kids who have everything". I am so sick of it and I don't know how to teach gratitude any longer. I need suggestions. dS is 12.

[Anonymous]

He feels entitled to stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He feels entitled to stuff?

Op here- that may be part of it, but we don't buy him a lot of stuff. Everything he does seems like it's about the uniform fr sports/ gifts at holidays / etc. I remember the feeling when I was a kid and not having designer jeans ( as an example) but DS gets angry/ overly disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Without meaning to offending you, OP, does your family attend church? I am not overly religious but it seems like DS might need a different perspective. I don't know. I don't think 12 is too young to have him volunteer at a homeless shelter - you could do it as a family. Serve a meal once month a at Friendship Place. Mentor a kid through Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Maybe on the next holiday/birthday give no gifts and volunteer for one of these organizations and expose him to people that are less well off so he understands just exactly how good he has it. I am sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Do you think he's pressing your buttons?
Is he involved in any weekly community service?
Can be a family thing, or with other kids his age, something that might interest him.
What does he like to do?

[Anonymous]

Yes- volunteering is definitely an opportunity for us. I have looked, as hoc over the last years, but kids were too young. I should amp this up, I think.

[Anonymous]

Is he mirroring your attitudes about life in some way? The best way to teach gratitude and graciousness is to demonstrate it.

[Anonymous]

My DD was like this. It killed a tiny part of my soul, but I went all Oprah on her ass and forced her to keep a gratitude journal or tell me three times people did something kind for her that day or three ways she showed gratitude towards others that day.

It forced her to start really seeing kindness and noticing "Oh, I'm not giving any out!" I also stopped giving her any extras since she wasn't appreciating them. I figured there was no reason to spend my time or money for nothing. But I kept a list of each time she asked for something that I would have done/bought for her and at the end of a month I showed her "Here's everything you missed out on because you show no appreciation. These are all things you COULD have gotten had you been someone who noticed the things you get and say thank you for them."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He feels entitled to stuff?

Op here- that may be part of it, but we don't buy him a lot of stuff. Everything he does seems like it's about the uniform fr sports/ gifts at holidays / etc. I remember the feeling when I was a kid and not having designer jeans ( as an example) but DS gets angry/ overly disappointed.

OP, are you purposefully being cheap? I understand not wanting to emphasize the importance of stuff, but did he have his heart set on something specific? I think it's natural for kids to be disappointed over gifts. Some kids hide it better than others.

I also think the pull of consumerism is a lot stronger now than it used to be and 12 is a particularly tough age.

[Anonymous]

Yikes at 12 this may be tougher to change than at 5.

At this age, he may already be influenced by his peers or by the media.

You know what I would do if this was my child?

I would give him a rude awakening.

I would take him to see how other kids live. Take him downtown to volunteer in a homeless shelter and see families who have nothing. Feed soup to families in a soup kitchen. Show how him how the other half lives.

No one should take what they have for granted.

SHOW him, don't just tell him, how truly blessed he is in his life to have what he has and that not everyone is as lucky as he is.

Sounds extreme, but this should open his eyes up.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster that says 12 is a hard age. Lots of self hate (that comes with more self awareness) that gets focused outward. Go easy on him. Love him uncondionally and continue to give to him attention, care, and time whether he appreciates it or not, and then get involved in charities as a family. Keen DC is a good one.

[Anonymous]

Everything I've read on this (I have little, little guys at this point but this has always been something I want to instill) says you have to demonstrate this in your every day life. Then it becomes a model for your child. So whether you volunteer yourself, or you send thank you notes after a party, or you simply say "Please" or "Thank You" consistently and genuinely I think that is a way to show your child a grateful heart.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PPs who say that, 1, this is a tough age for this sort of thing, and 2, the best plan is for you to model what you want to see.

If you like to volunteer, and can find something that engages the whole family, great. I would not start volunteering more to force your DS to look at poor people like they are animals in the zoo. Just to put in my personal 2 cents, I grew up solidly middle class and never wanted for anything. But as a teen I had friends who had more (clothing budgets, cars, overseas vacations) and this was a huge source of envy/discomfort for me. During this time I was hugely active in a church, served meals to homeless people, and also attended schools in which plenty of kids had less than I did. But I focused a lot on what I/my family didn't have.
This is sort of a hallmark of the teen/preteen years I think.

With my own kids I try to emphasize a lot how good I think we have it. We each say something we are grateful for every day at dinner. DH and I also express a lot of appreciation to one another in front of them. But they're little.

[Anonymous]

Send him to a developing country for a week or two to do volunteer work. He will really get to see that the way Americans live is not normal compared to the rest of the world. Let him see what it's like to live without air conditioning, TV, washers/dryers. It will open his eyes to see how people who have so little can be full of so much joy and love. I had this experience when I was 13 and it gave me a completely new perspective.

[Anonymous]

duh. model it at home.

and accept that kids his age are the center of their own universes and our job is to slowly teach them to get their heads out of their asses.