Lawyer's wife

[Anonymous]

ppmom wrote:He likes what he does, but he hates that he has too much caseloads. He doesn't want to work for the government. He feels that he doesn't get any support from me. I have to admit that I complain about his work hours. We talk a lot, but lately he prefers not to talk about this situation anymore. He said if I am not happy then maybe we should divorce. I know that deeply he doesn't mean to. He gets angry easily and he is frustrated about his job a lot. He thinks that other wives are not complaining about their husbands.

I don't have time to do anything except later in the evenings after putting kids to bed. I always have to be available for him when he has to work on the weekends. And even he is not working on the weekends, he constantly looks at his phone all the times.

1. NEVER say the "D" word unless YOU MEAN IT. You need to sit down with him and ask him if he really wants a divorce. Then tell him the first thing I wrote. You both have to agree to that.
2. Is he asking other wives if they are happy with their husbands' work hours? If not, then he needs to STFU about other people. The only opinions that matter are yours and his. (You're both unhappy with the situation, so SOMETHING needs to change.)
3.Why do you always have to be available to him? Yet HE is not available to you?
-He needs to put away the phone when he's at home.
-He needs to find some time to spend with you and with your kids, otherwise, you may as well be divorced.
-HIRE some help. You can hire someone to babysit or clean house or whatever so that YOU are not stressed out.
-IF he can't cut back on his hours, then maybe you can. But you need to make sure that he's not going to say he's working while you are not. Being a mother is a full time job. He's not being a father, since he's not there, so while YOU are working 2 jobs, he only has one job. Doesn't seem fair to me.

-DW. I worked with my first child but I knew it would be too much (plus the cost of child care for 2 basically negated my salary). My DH realizes that being a SAHM is a job (he has to watch the kids when I do groceries, so he understands).

I suggest you tell your DH he has the kids next weekend, so he will have to figure out something. What happens if you get sick and can't take care of the kids for a few days?

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he's not having an affair? Always busy at work and always looking at the phone? If he refuses to make changes, then you should divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he's not having an affair? Always busy at work and always looking at the phone? If he refuses to make changes, then you should divorce him.

Clearly you're not a lawyer. Yeah, always at work because crap gets dumped on you and always looking at your phone because you have to be hyper responsive to the partners/clients that employ you.

[Anonymous]

I'm a lawyer married to a lawyer. Both of us have worked in big firms and government, and DH in a small firm and myself at a nonprofit as well. The legal market is tight but if you have decent credentials/record, there is no reason you cannot make a change in your job, it may just take longer and require more effort/networking. I think you need a serious discussion with your DH about moving to a new job.

Second, I call BS on needing to work super late (to midnight?) for a year. While there can be busy times for a litigator, around the clock work rarely goes on for more than a month or two. Many big firm lawyers I know will at least get home for dinner a couple nights a week (barring some emergency project), and then log on after the kids are in bed. (And not surprisingly, pretty much *every* female big firm lawyer I know does this...) Absent extenuating circumstances (e.g. is your DH a senior associate trying to make partner in the next year or two? Does he do a lot of trial work?), I see no reason your DH could not do this.

And just in general, I find that a lot of lawyers married to non-lawyers inflate the amount of time they need at the job/the importance of their job/their inability to do anything at home.

[Anonymous]

It is not wrong to feel the way you do. Why just in the past year? Why does he think you aren't supportive enough? I can't imagine that he couldn't at least bring work home. I don't know any lawyers who are consistently at the office until midnight. Taking work home and working weekends, yes, but it's not at the office. That's what is so striking here.Is he avoiding home? Does he find little kids too stressful and is using work as an escape? (Because irbid tiring to work all day and then desk with little ones, but you do it!).

Also, though you don't suspect an affair,Next time he is working this late call him at his desk. If he doesn't answer do it gain next night.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all. I am sorry if I am not clear about he works so late at night. He didn't work at the office late till midnight everyday. I will say two days/week. he usually works from home late at night. What I don't understand is he hates it when I call him at the office. He said I am wasting his time. Actually, he does that to me when he works from home too. We never talk during the day and I feel sometimes I just want to check in with him. I want to try to do marriage counselling, but I don't know it is going to work. We tried a few times and they weren't good. We want to find the therapist that is closed to our house (around Olney).

[Anonymous]

I'm a female attorney with a husband that stays home. My hours are longer than I want them to be, because my compensation depends on my hours, and we need the money to allow my DH to be a SAHD. I usually come home and then work after everyone else is sleeping or lounging. It is very frustrating to me when DH is upset that I'm working or responding to people, because I'm not doing it for fun, I'm putting in the extra effort for him and our family, and I'm actively looking for a new job with less demands. I suspect your DH feels the same way.

As for phone calls during the day, I imagine that your DH needs to concentrate on a number of things. Depending on how he works, he may need an uninterrupted pocket of time to get into a document or pleading. He already may have calls throughout the day from clients and people he works with stopping by. If you pile on a call from you, he may find that the only time he has to work without interruption is late at night. Out of that list, the only call he can actually not take is yours, and he knows you would rather he not work at night, so it is circular. (You don't want me to work at night, so you interrupt me during the day, which makes me have to work at night.)

It sounds like what you really need from DH are some defined pockets where you get a break and a sense that he really does prioritize the family. Could you work on defining some "you" times into the week that are more structured so DH can try to work around them?

[Anonymous]

Sorry but telling your spouse who is also working and then doing all the kid duty that she is "wasting your time" when she calls to check in briefly (I'm assuming briefly?) is being an asshole. Sounds to me like the DH's problem is not only that he is totally unavailable to him family but that he's unwilling to acknowledge it or provide any understanding that this is hard on his wife and not good for the family. His response is "if you are unhappy let's divorce" is provocative and again places all the blame on the OP's feelings without taking responsibility for his decisions.

As for the PP, sounds like the two of you made a decision to allow one parent to SAH. That is not the case with Op, who also works (full time?)

OP-- has he made any plans to reduce hours, spend more time with family or find a new job? Wat is the salary differential between you two? How is your sex or romantic life?