Lawyer's wife

[ppmom]

We have been married for 10 years and my husband always works very long hours. He is a litigator and works for a small law firm. He has ton of caseloads and he makes the same amount of money as fed gov employees. For the past year, he has been working at the office very late (sometimes till midnight). We have small kids and I also work full time. Many times, I feel so lonely and I want him to be home more. He said he doesn't have a choice because this is his job. He told me that he is not happy with his work and he does not like that I complain about his situation as well. I feel so tired by the end of the day after getting back home and having to do most of the works. I want him to appreciate me more. Is it wrong that I feel this way? I want to hear what other moms/wives do if you have kind of similar situation.

[Anonymous]

He hates his job and his work hours are impossible for having a young family. What does he plan to do about it and what do you plan to do to support him? You need to have some long, heartfelt discussions about where he's at, where he plans to go, what you both want for the family, and how you can support him.

[Anonymous]

Can he move to a federal job? I was a litigator but then wound up quitting because my husband also works long hours, and I wanted one of us to be around at home. OP, do you have mom friends who are in a similar boat with whom you can join forces sometimes, for dinner or whatever?

Your husband needs to explore a job change. It's tough on families and it does get lonely. My sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Can you cut back on your work? Perhaps you can hire a sitter and meet your husband for dinner at his workplace, even if it is just takeout. Or go out with a friend and see a movie. Then you could be more supportive of his work situation.

[Anonymous]

You need to discuss changes. If neither one of you is happy, why continue doing this? Sounds like you're living like a single mom. Actually you are a single mom but you still have to take care of DH. Cut him loose and you will have less stress.

[Anonymous]

My sibling is a litigator, hates it with a passion, precisely because of the ridiculous work/life balance.

However, there is a glut of lawyers and jobs are tough to come by...if he agrees with you and already hates his job too, then you might consider that complaining to him is a bit of piling on. On the other hand, he should be looking for a better opportunity.

You aren't wrong for feeling annoyed or angry, unappreciated or lonely - maybe the unappreciated is fair, but the rest seems to reflect your reality, no matter his intentions.

Still, unless he's clearly passing up opportunities to make a change, harping on him when he has already agreed with (and validated) your feelings and isn't able to make a change, seems unkind and bound to create resentment from him.

Did you not know what life is like for litigators before you married him or had kids? Can you support the family by yourself if he quits?

[ppmom]

He likes what he does, but he hates that he has too much caseloads. He doesn't want to work for the government. He feels that he doesn't get any support from me. I have to admit that I complain about his work hours. We talk a lot, but lately he prefers not to talk about this situation anymore. He said if I am not happy then maybe we should divorce. I know that deeply he doesn't mean to. He gets angry easily and he is frustrated about his job a lot. He thinks that other wives are not complaining about their husbands.

I don't have time to do anything except later in the evenings after putting kids to bed. I always have to be available for him when he has to work on the weekends. And even he is not working on the weekends, he constantly looks at his phone all the times.

[Anonymous]

He should be able to do much of this work from home. He doesn't need to be at the office till midnight. He should be able to come home, see the kids for a bit, then start working again. If he did this, you could go out once the kids were in bed. To gym or errands or with friends etc.

[Anonymous]

This is my boyfriend except he works for a large firm so makes a nice salary.

I have no interest in being essentially a single mom, so I've pretty much decided I'm not having kids with him. Gotta decide if that's a deal breaker, marriage wise.

[Anonymous]

OP, are non-American cultural expectations playing into this at all? Asking because your writing sounds exactly like my husband whose first language is not English, and if you're from the same region of the world as him, there are very different expectations about work-life balance and spousal obligations. Marrying an American woman cured my DH of those attitudes, but if that's the environment both of you grew up in, maybe he still subconsciously thinks that way?

[Anonymous]

"He feels that he doesn't get any support from me."

What does he need to feel supported by you? And what do you need to feel supported by him? And how are you going to move yourselves to a place where you're not both stressed out? It sounds like you need to keep discussing things. But first, it sounds like you need to apologize for complaining so much, and promise to work on stopping it. He is already checked out of the marriage if he no longer wants to talk about it and is mentioning divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my boyfriend except he works for a large firm so makes a nice salary.

I have no interest in being essentially a single mom, so I've pretty much decided I'm not having kids with him. Gotta decide if that's a deal breaker, marriage wise.

Or this could be a case where being a SAHM (if that is what everyone wants) would keep the HH sane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my boyfriend except he works for a large firm so makes a nice salary.

I have no interest in being essentially a single mom, so I've pretty much decided I'm not having kids with him. Gotta decide if that's a deal breaker, marriage wise.

The good news for you is that most people don't last for more than a few years at large firms (up or out) so this probably won't be an issue for very long.

[Anonymous]

I am an ex-lawyer married to a lawyer so I am probably more understanding about his work schedule since I've done it myself. Legal work such as drafting motions and agreements are really time consuming and detail-oriented. There are no shortcuts - the amount of time one spent on a work product is always reflected on the product. Also, for a law firm, the attorneys are basically selling their time and it's a client-based business so the attorneys have to move fast to keep the clients happy, so meet the court deadlines for litigators. I put up with my spouse's work hours frankly because the money was good (big firm) but now that he has moved in-house, we are all generally much happier. Unfortunately there aren't as many opportunities for in-house for litigators; government seems to be the in-house equivalent for litigators but of course the money isn't as good.

Just something to consider, that he is doing all the long hours because he really has no choice. I don't know one single attorney at a law firm, whether big or small, that does not work long hours, and I know a lot of attorneys.

[Anonymous]

"do most of the work"? What work do you do, and with good money coming in from his position, as least, why can't you pay someone?

Don't complain. Nothing is gained. Appreciate you? Stressed or unhappy people don't really appreciate others much. It's not personal.

Make it your job- your work - to add more joy to your hours/days.

Many people spend a great amount of time without a spouse, due to a spouse's career.